A Christmas miracle!

Hello my darlings,

I hope you all had a great Christmas. I had a sober one! A Christmas miracle performed by moi! What a revelation, Christmas sober is a million times nicer. Really it is. About two weeks from the big day I had a wobble for about a week. I was looking through the windows of bars with all the twinkling lights and the groups of people filled with cheer. I was frustrated that I couldn't be in there, sitting at the bar, drinking red wine. Then I remembered, remembered what it was really like. Yeuch. Horrible and hungover and remorseful and just shite. It's been so much less fraught and cross and snappy without alcohol. Not saying it's been perfect but it's been a hell of alot better than it would have been with booze.

After that I was fine. I know I can't drink again. I know it's not good for me or for those around me. I've realised how much better my relationships with those close to me are. Lovely husband is just delighted that I'm sober. He's been so great and hasn't drank either. I have eaten my weight in chocolate though and have put on 4 lbs!! Slimming world is out the window, which I'm feeling guilty about. I notice that I wake up feeling bad for eating and promising that I won't do it again but by the time I'm up I'm thinking it wasn't that bad....it's Christmas after all. Sound familiar??? Wish I could just eat what I want and not feel guilty thought. I'm not drinking after all!

My saviour has been sparkling water I have to say. I just LOVE it!! I drink alot of the stuff and it's my fancy treat to myself. That and a fab recipe I found for a warm spiced apple drink, here's the recipe http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/6299/hot-spiced-apple-punch.aspx
Yum..feel free to share your go to tipple!

So my darlings, it's full steam ahead and a pat on the back for myself!

Lots of love to you all.
xxxMtts

Christmas cheer

Hello all my lovlies

I hope you're all managing to muddle your ways through the start of the festive, party season...

I'm up and down at the moment. Currently, at this second (yes, it's up and down that quickly!) I'm feeling good. Excited for all the yummy food we'll be eating next friday, looking forward to making some virgin cocktails and buying some fancy drinks from Marks & Spencer. My lovely husband has been out a bit lately (overrated he tells me) and I was catering for a supper club recently where all the girls attending headed off into town afterwards. It's those times that I feel a bit, well, sad really. For that idealistic night out, bonding with friends, having the craic, seeing who's who and what's what. I miss getting really dressed up with a glass of wine in hand, listening to music, full of anticipation.

BUT then, I remember, I remember nights out were never, ever, ever like that. Well, it was, but only for about an hour or two. It was mostly blackouts, regrets the next day, worry about what I said, what I did and how much money I'd spent. How I got home and did I lose anything.

At the moment what I'm really tackling is the past. And regrets. What would I have done if I hadn't been either 1) Going off the rails on drugs in my early 20's or 2) Drinking - alot and dangerously in my 20's and early 30's and then just pretty much 3/4 nights a week after that. Would I have been a doctor (eh, no)or a nurse or a journalist or a social worker or a pilot or what?? Still I know that a career isn't something that often makes people happy, but I'd have liked to have tried!!
I also spend alot of last night worrying about the friends I left behind because of these things. Would I still be mates with my schoolpals if I hadn't discovered the joys of recreational drugs? Would I have been able to form more meaningful relationships (and hold on to them) if I was more grounded and a bit less drunk??

I know really there's no point thinking like this but I sort of feel it's part of a process. A journey somewhere. In fact I'm actually super lucky that I am where I am, with a brilliant family, amazing friends, enough money to get by and a dog and a cat. I know that's what Christmas is really and truly all about. And maybe it's time for me to be more thankful for that!!!!

Mind yourselves my dears. xxxx

My time to shine.

Self validation

Hello all

Again, my posting more regularly is definitely going better...I just find it hard to find the time to post during the day and then in the evenings I'm just too tired! Still I'll keep trying!

So I'm 7 months off the booze now! Can't quite believe that it's me that's done that. 7 months seems even more significant than 6. I don't know why, I guess 6 months is a milestone but then 7 is just more normal and everyday, like it's what I do now.

I have to say I've been thinking alot about self validation lately. About how in any conversation or discussion I will always think that other people are right or know better than me. That my opinion or idea isn't as good or as 'right' as others are. Interesting. I wonder where that comes from. I have friends who have massive sureness in themselves. It's a lovely quality. To be sure of yourself. Even though in some aspects I'm very confident I can also be insecure and worrisome about things. It's interesting that these deep thoughts are coming up now, now the fog and relentless cycle of hungover, drunk, thinking of drinking and also of self loathing is gone all these new, more interesting thoughts are arriving.

I'm having a bit of a stressful time lately though so I have to be aware that old ways of thinking (circling thoughts, negative feelings etc) are a reaction to the stress rather than the truth. I'm thinking about a mindfulness course.

Also, I wanted to ask you guys, with Christmas coming up and all these yummy mince pies with brandy butter or boozy trifles knocking around - Will you avoid these like the plague or have some?? My gut is to avoid like plague but I'm just interested really in what people think in general of food with booze in!!

I hope you're all doing well. I will check in again soon. I promise.

xxxxMtts

Running on chips

Hmm here's me trying to blog more often!! Not very successfully but I'm here now. It's been an odd few weeks. Lots of stress regarding our potential move into the boons (we haven't even found a house..) and worry about commutes and money and trying to buy our first house and set up a business at the same time. My husband really got stressed about it and his doc signed him off work for a week. Which was great as it really enabled him to have some space and be proactive and do some stuff about how he was feeling. It's funny, he was going back and forth about taking the week off - if it was his physical body that was sick he'd have had no problem being signed off and taking the week. However, because it was his 'mind' he felt like he shouldn't. Isn't that funny? That's how alot of us treat our mental health - not really something to be looked after or tended to and just to be dealt with when we're really up against the shit.

I'm running. Alot. (3 times a week is alot for me) It's my new bottle of wine. Stressed? Angry? Sad? Bloated? - Go for a run!! Woo hoo! It's my new endorphin of choice! I've also hit my target weight today in slimming world and am down 1 stone and 6.5 lbs since last February. I celebrated by eating a scone, then chips and a burger from the chipper later. Classy bird that I am.

Christmas festiveties are kicking in and that should be interesting..I'm definitely having some wine cravings. Sometimes I feel my whole body is tense from it! But 6 months and 200 days later I know this passes. Thank god. I have days where I'm cross and tired and pissed off. But that's normal I guess.

Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. You've all been on my mind, it's just been so busy. I hope you're doing well. Let's make sure we're there for eachother in December! Sorry for all the typos and crappy writing. Tired and lazy tonight..

XXXXXX Mtts. xxx

Real life.

I was going to post about feeling good at the moment. I'm feeling the richness of a life that sobriety brings. Being able to carry the can when those around you can't or are sick or distracted. Being able to be strong and capable. And not even minding when you have to be on 24 hours in the day...About connecting with those close to you in ways that you couldn't do when drunk or hungover. Of the freedom of the worry and the horrible chat in your head about what drinking is doing to you....

But I can't stop thinking about yesterday day's events in Paris. What an horrific event. One minute people are enjoying their nice evening out, having a few drinks, something to eat, checking out some music....next minute complete madness and horror...I can imagine myself at that gig, having a great time and loving the music and then suddenly confusion and terror. It's times like this when we look around ourselves and really appreciate what we have in our lives.How spending our time drunk or hungover is such a waste. Writing off half of our lives in an altered state, not connecting with ourselves or those around us. Planning our days and evenings where the next drink is coming from and how we're going to make it look like we're not planning our days and evenings planning where our next drink is coming from. Being ruled by this substance that takes away your confidence, your ability, your strength and finally your self.

So I'm spending today with my kids and husband, and the cat and dog. And I'm appreciating them and making sure that I know that this is real life. This is it. And the best thing I can do is live it to it's fullest, not to let anything get in the way of that.

I hope you are all ok and my love to all of you and to all of Paris.


xxxxxMtts. 

Planting my tree

Hello you lovely people

Thank you all for your great comments after my last post. I think I need to commit to blogging a bit more. Even if I feel I have nothing to say and it's just a one liner.

So the last few days were a bit better and the meh feeling has lifted a bit. I went out last night to a Diwali celebration with my Indian friend. It was fun and I even volunteered to get up on stage with others to learn some bollywood dancing...lolzzz

At one stage I was chatting to a lovely chinese/malay/australian girl (so multi ethnic are the Irish!) and I just really wanted to go home. Then I just said to myself 'hang on, one of the big pluses of not drinking is that you can actually engage with people, like properly, instead of just drunken chats. So I focussed myself on the conversation and ended up having a lovely chat about food. I actually really like talking to people About stuff. Part of me is pretty intolerant of other people in general but I'm going to really try some loving kindness action. It's only making me, and not anyone else, upset. So I think last night was a bit of a game changer for me, not sure yet in what way though.

They had some amazing dancers on stage and I did feel a little sad that I wasted my 20's and 30's wasted in one capacity or another. I wonder what I could have made of myself if I hadn't been such a drinker, and in younger year such a drug lover! Even using that phrase 'drug lover' in relation to myself seems so weird. I can't believe I used to do that shit. And it ruined me for a few years in my 20's.

Anyway, as some chinese wise dude said 'The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the next best time is now'

Off I go into the gale force winds and lashing rain to dig my hole!!

xxMtts

Six months sober today!

Hello people

I'm so bad at writing these days! I just either have no time or feel like I've nothing to say. But of course today I had to say hey! Six months today. It seems like such a short amount of time - six months in my whole life, that's nothing! But also ages and ages. It's the longest I've ever gone since I started drinking. A small miracle. I never, ever thought I'd be able to do that long.
Thing is lately, I've been pretty much craving wine. I think it's to do with the time of the year. Getting dark earlier, christmas lights up in the shops (I know..), that time where people get dressed up and go out more.

I don't really see the point in getting dressed up to go out. Mostly because I don't really see the point in going out. (not that I went out much when I was drinking, mostly dinner out with the kids and then drinks at home) I know some of you will say to go out anyway, but to be honest, I'm not ready and I can't be arsed. Most of my socialising is done in the day now or in the evening calling to friends for tea. I'm mostly happy with that but I do feel a bit sad when I think about it. I was in a friend's house last night acting as chief stylist for wedding outfits, it made me nostalgic for that time of getting ready, listening to music and having a glass of wine. I mean I know that is all a rosemantic version of how it was and that's what's keeping me on track. But still, I'm an outgoing person and I did used to love the fuss around a night out!

I don't feel much like congratulating myself today for some reason. I suppose it's become my new normal. The novelty of not drinking has worn off. I'm sort of afraid that it's now that is the time I might slip. Over Christmas it might just be a case of 'oh just the one' and then I know that I'd be back to square one in no time. I have no interest in fooling myself that I can stop at two or three glasses. I couldn't even be arsed in trying. It's either all or nothing with me!

So guys, that's where I'm at. A bit meh but still not drinking. Still sober. Still trying!

Hope you are all ok and doing whatever you need to do.

lots of love
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMtts.

The sparkle is missing

So, I've spent the last week feeling like something is missing. And I've been trying to place what it is. I've been feeling nostalgic for the Golden Age (see Midnight in Paris by Woody Allen), I've been reading history books, watching history documentaries. Pining for something I can't place...
I know this makes no sense, why would I be looking in the past where I've never even been to find this missing thing.
When I was out walking yesterday (incredible autumn day with added fun of a power cut!) I realised that the sparkle is missing. That anticipation of the first glass of wine, the excitement of it. It's not just the actual drinking of the wine and how it makes me feel but it's the ceremony and the specialness of it too. With my first alcohol free Christmas looming, I keep thinking 'how can I make it special if not with wine'..Am I making any sense to people?
I know this isn't true, I know wine made me feel crap and cut me off from the real world and wasn't in anyway good for me. But I miss the build up to the weekend, to the adultness of that glass of wine, the specialness, the reward...
Hmm, I hope that this is just another process I have to get through in the long road of sobriety and not drinking.
I keep thinking 'how come people who don't drink much or not at all don't feel like this?' For people who have an unhealthy relationship with booze it's not just a case of not drinking and it's all fine. Like any unhealthy relationship things don't just get better if you call it off.
Anyway my darlings, love to you all (especially sober mummy)
xxxMtts. xx

Something missing..

Hello all

I know alot of your thoughts are with Mummy was a secret drinker right now. I hope you're ok my dear and you are coping so well with this big shock to your system...We're all thinking of you. xx

Things are going well here. I'm getting to a place now where I don't associate every little thing that happens with opening a bottle of wine. I do miss it sometimes though. Or rather, the idea of it. Then when I spend two seconds just thinking about how alcohol made me feel, even after one glass I forget about it. This weekend though I did feel like something was missing. I'm not sure if it was wine but there was a definite hollow vibe about the weekend, as lovely as it was.

Anyway, if that's the worst I can feel I can keep going!!

Just a short post as am surrounded my children and animals, all making noise...

Keep on keepin on people...

xxxMtts.

No wine, so much time

Like my snappy rhyme? It's might sound awful but it's certainly true. I have so much fricking time these days. Time that isn't taken up with drinking, recovering from hangovers, thinking about drinking and that's just the start. I no longer fill my time with worry, guilt, anger, self pity, self hate, fear and regret. I'm not saying I don't still feel those things, I just know that alcohol isn't to blame for feeling them anymore. Nowadays when I feel something I know it's real. It's not fabricated by a drug that I poisoned my mind and body with. Something that for me made me a different person. Made me waste so much time.

There were hungover days that I just wrote off, 'I'll do it tomorrow or the next day when I don't feel so bad. I just can't face that now' I literally spent most Mondays in that state. There were days when I.Just.couldn't. Days I spend hours and hours flicking around on the internet, trying to beam myself somewhere else, anyway but with my kids and in the present moment.

Since I've given up wine my life that become so full. Full of stuff that I can't really believe I'm doing. I've started running again, doing yoga, setting up my own business. I've also started enjoying more the things I was doing before I stopped, minding kids, running a supper club, storytime at a local library. I'm even thinking of walking the dogs at a local shelter. See!! My life is cool! I'm jealous of me. I sound like one of those people I couldn't stand. 'Who does she think she is? What a nightmare, no-one needs to do all that stuff' But really want I meant was 'Hmm she obviously doesn't drink like me. Where is the time for her hangovers?'

Anyway my darlings. Thank you all SO SO much, you are my AA, my sober path, my inspiration and my mentors.

Lots of love. xxxxMtts.

Thank you people!

Well, my gorgeous people. You were right. As usual. You kept saying hang on in there and I'd feel better. And I do! Hurray!

Friday and Satuday day were pretty shite with lovely husband totally knackered from work deadlines and me just in a non drinking grump. Then on Saturday late afternoon we got the chimenea going at the top of the garden, sat in the hammock, lit some candles and fairy lights and I had a 'ahhh, this is what sober livin' is about!' It was AMAZING, the kids and ourselves just hung out and drank hot chocolate and had the chats. Then the next day we had a sweet walk with our neighbours and their kids and lit the fire again when we got back. Thank goodness I found a way out of that slump!

In other exciting news the bank has finally decided that we are trustworthy enough to give some money for a house too. Yes people, at 41 I'm finally looking to buy a home. Well, a house.. with some land.. to be developed into a campsite.(you're all coming when it's ready) So it's all very exciting and scary and daunting. But one thing being sober has taught me is that you have to just go for what you want. No wasting time, no sitting around waiting for stuff to happen, you have to get up off your arse and make it happen. So that's what we're going to try and do...

So if you're out there and feeling that this sobriety bidness isn't for you, or that it's just too much hard work or that maybe you were wrong and you're grand really - just keep going, give it one more hour, day, week, month. Just give yourself the time to grow into it and to explore what all of this means without a glass of wine or pint of beer or G&T in you. You'll have no idea what you're meant to do in this life if you're pissed most of the time.

Keep it country people.

xxMtts

That place inbetween

So Fridays. They can be hard. Although I am looking forward to my sparkling water treat for tonight I can't help but feel that's a bit, well, sad really. Woo! It's Friday! Break open the fizzy water!! I'm so afraid I'm turning into a dry drunk. That somewhere along the way I've lost the buzz of being sober and now it's just something to be endured.

All that said, I'm not drinking. And I'm glad I'm not drinking. God, it's just complicated, how you can feel when you're sober. You can feel both negative and positive at the exact same time.

I just wish I still felt that 'Yeah!! I'm sober, I'm Kaleesa (I don't know who that is but see sobermummy's post on it), I'm part of a revolution, sisters are doing it for themselves etc etc' I want my sober mojo back!

It's a lovely relaxed Friday here, really sunny and a nice feeling of bonhomoie is prevailing. Just the time to open a nice bottle of white. But even just saying that reminds me of the feeling I got nearly immediately after that first drink. Kids would start annoying me, nothing else would get done for the day, no chance of a walk outside or a bike ride. Just drink. And it would keep going and I'd keep drinking and then eating crap and finally sinking into a black hole...Mmm. Maybe the fizzy water is starting to sound like the better option after all!

Have a good one my darlings.

xxxxMtts. xx

Meh.

One of my favourite of Roy's in the IT's t-shirts had Meh. printed on it. I think that's summing up pretty much how I'm feeling lately.

It's been 140 days sober now for me. I know that's a long time for me. The longest ever. But it also seems like such a tiny, tiny drop in the massive ocean. I know I have to start somewhere and every journey starts with the first step blah blah. But what's the point like?! I mean I know in my head that being sober is the best thing for me but sometimes that's not how I feel. Does that make any sense? I just feel sort of well, meh really. I miss it but I don't miss it too. I miss group gatherings being just easier with a drink in hand. I miss having a lovely girls drink in the afternoon. I miss getting dressed up and going out. Of course I don't miss the hangovers, the guilt, the worry and the fear and the lack of control. It's funny though, how easy with a bit of time, it can be to dismiss the negative stuff.

It feels sort of like the novelty has worn off. It's not that I want to drink again. I just want to do all those kind of things without it and enjoy it as much as I did with a drink. To be honest, nighttime socialising now is something I really don't want to do. That party I went to last weekend showed that to me. It was so boring and I felt horrible. I'm so much more into meeting friends during the daytime now.

I'm sorry, I don't feel like I'm explaining myself very well. This is just a stream of conciousness. Getting my period 3 times in 50 days I'm sure doesn't help (tmi I know). And mouth ulcers. And the tiredness. I'm probably dying or something. Give up drink = become a walking illness.

Ok people, rant over. Feeling sorry for myself today.

Oh, also, something who's sober nearly a year told me to make sure to congratulate myself alot. I think i've forgotten to do that. So well done me...

xxMtts

A tough weekend

Hello my lovlies

I hope you're all getting by and doing what you can to fight the good fight.

So this weekend was a bit of a tough one. We went to a 40th birthday party where I ended sitting with people I didn't know while my husband played music with his band. I didn't mind him doing that and he loves playing but I was pretty much a lemon on my own. I was trying to look like I was enjoying myself but I really just wanted to get home. I'd had a mad week and I had to be up early the next day so maybe I was tired and a bit distracted but it pretty much sucked to be there sober I have to say.

The next day was better, myself and my friend were organising a charity cake sale fundraiser at our local farmer's market. It was really successful and we raised nearly 2k for our charity. Had a great day but was SO wrecked by the end of it. Normally after something like that we would definitely be having a few drinks. I really miss that. Even my compadre was saying she misses having a drink with me. I love that wind down, I've done a good job, I deserve this drink. Obviously I know where it all leads but I have been feeling 'Really? Forever? As in never again?' lately. I love food and I love wine. And I miss it.

BUT, I know where it goes, I know my friend on the stall would have shared a bottle with me and then had some tea or whatever but I'd have had another one, and another. I know alcohol is bad for me. I remember how it was making me feel and the road that I was going down was getting darker and darker. So I have to keep all of this in my mind when I'm feeling sorry for myself. Someone told me today that I have to remember to congratulate myself. And I have forgotten to do that. And I must not. This is a massive change of direction for my life and go me for making it.

Cheerio then people

xxxMtts/

I don't need alcohol!

Hello darlings

So this Saturday night while lying on the couch eating popcorn and chocolate and sippin' on my fizzy water watching Andrew Marr I had the epiphany that I actually don't need wine. Like as in it is possible for me to live my life without it. Something that, let me tell you, 4 months ago seemed incredible and impossible. Not to mention something that I would have never wanted to feel. I never wanted to feel that I didn't want to drink. How does that make sense? I've realised that drinking wine would not make a night in or out any better. It's kind of unecessary. Also now I can actually remember what I've watched the next day. There are so many films and shows that I can't recall the end of cos I was pissed....and then i'd have to say to lovely husband 'Remind me again, what happened at the end of that show?' Sigh.

Then on Sunday when we were out picking blackberries (with a million children in tow) I realised that thank god, I don't have those 'will I drink tonight? I shouldn't but fuck it, it's sunday, we've been out blackberry picking, I mean you'd have to have a glass (bottle) of wine...but I really shouldn't, god I'm such a lush. Yeah but like, it's Sunday? And I mean you have to drink after blackberry picking? Oh god, I wish this chatter would STOP!'

That internal dialogue was so horrendous and incessant and constant. I am SO glad it's not there anymore. It's mad how much space in my head is now freed up without all that going on. As I've said before, the further I get from my drinking days the more things become clearer to me. I don't get night sweats anymore, no pains in my liver, no freaking out that I'm going to die of liver disease, no worrying the message I'm giving my kids etc etc etc.

I'm telling you people, stick at it, it gets easier and the benefits become more and more apparent.

xxxxMtts

 

Normal service has resumed. For now!

Hello all you lovely, gorgeous people,

So, the visitors have gone home, the house has been cleaned, I can watch crappy tv again but best of all there's no wine in the house and no-one is drinking. Woo!

Hmm, writing that feels very strange. Like a different person! Why would I, of all people, not want wine in the house? Ah yes, that would be because I don't drink alcohol. I'm sober, a tee totaller, a pioneer...That is SO weird. I'm 120 days sober today, which is 4 months. Which sounds so little but also the longest ever I've been without alcohol. So yay me.

I hadn't realised how precious my private space has become since I've given up booze. It's my very own prohibition bar, complete with lots of tea and some (ahem) biscuits. No beer (unless you count the frankly undrinkable batch of home brew in the attic), no wine, no spirits. Nothing. It's a real relief, it was very challenging being faced with bottles of vino tinto and bianco every night. Also I've now become a rather uncertain hostess - how much wine do other people drink? How often should I offer around wine? Should I take people at face value when they say no thanks or do I do a Mrs Doyle on it? Sometimes I feel like I'm living through other people when I'm pouring their wine.

One really positive thing I've noticed is that I've become way more patient with the kids. On Saturday night last I ate my dinner with a child on each knee after huge meltdowns due to a very late dinner. Before, I would have lost it that the dinner was so late and deffo been at least a half a bottle of wine down at the eating stage. There's no way I would have wanted two kids on top of me. Lately I seem to have more time to allow them to be themselves, even if they're annoying me. I don't lose the head as much, I have more inner patience and I'm really enjoying that.

So my darlings, I hope you're all doing what you can and trying to be kind to yourselves. I know that is really hard for most of us.

xxxMtts.

A new day

Hello people

 As I've said before thank god for you and for being able to express this journey with people who understand.

Yes, this has been a tough week and yes I've struggled. However, of course it's going to be hard. It's all about going through all those firsts that you would never have considered doing before without alcohol. The only thing I have not to do is drink. I can do anything else. I know that sounds simplistic but that's the black and the white of it. Just. don't. drink.

In our society we are surrounded by alcohol and when you're sober you see that even more. Recipes for cocktails in magazine, people opening bottles to celebrate anything, habitual drinking because that's just what we do, ads on billboards, whole aisles dedicated to alcohol in shops...It's just all there. As as non-drinkers we have to get used to that. But I like to think that we are the antithesis of all that. Maybe by standing up and saying 'nope, that's not for me thanks' we might make others think. Not in a preachy way - good for you if you can drink safely. But just think in a societal way about how we drink. Does it have to be this all consuming thing that is the norm? Should our kids want to stand outside off licences asking adults to buy them cans? What is it about alcohol that it is so revered in our society? What does it do for us and what do we need it to do?

Who knows. But it sure is interesting. At the party on Saturday, I recognised myself in one of the guys there. Just as he was leaving to go into town to a pub I saw him knocking back the whole bottle of beer he was drinking. It kind of knocked me for six - I know that! I know that feeling! Must get it down me as I'll have to wait another half an hour before my next drink. That little thing that no-one else probably even noticed, I recognised, and somepart of me screamed 'That was you, you were exactly like that' I was like oxygen to me when I was drinking, get us much in as possible. And I know towards the end it was getting worse, I was getting over my one bottle of wine norm way quicker and I just wanted more and more and more.

So...all food for thought my darlings.

Hope you're all ok and getting there. Just. don't. drink.!

xxMtts

Tired and struggling

Well people, I'm struggling a bit. So we had the party on Saturday and by all accounts it was a huge success. Massive thanks from all on being a brilliant hostess and doing a great job. I didn't sit down pretty much for the whole night. I kept myself busy pouring drinks, serving food, doing the wash up. I know I was trying to distract myself from the fact that I wasn't drinking alcohol. It wasn't bad actually and I enjoyed the night. I couldn't move the next day though, parties never used to be that hard work! At one point I was looking at all the wine bottles around me and it felt like it would have been SO nice just to pour a glass and chill out. So I had a cigarette instead (I don't smoke..)

At the moment I'm feeling like I have a big hole instead me that I'm trying to fill, like an itch I can't quite scratch. I try to eat, or drink sparkling water or have a bath but nothing satisfies me. I've ants in my pants. I'm bored, restless....

We have my lovely husbands folks over for the week too. They like a drink, especially his dad. I've actually felt a bit guilty for not drinking with him. I suppose I'm finding it hard having them around and not being able to slip into a glass (bottle) of wine in the evening.

I'm also pissed off that I'm tired so much. I thought when I gave up drinking I'd bounce out of bed every morning, full of energy and joy. Nope. I have to drag myself up every day. How I'm going to manage it when the kids go back to school. I've also put on weight. I'd lost over a stone recently but between our hols and the party and lovely husband's family being here I've being eating way more...

This sucks ass! Do I really have to do every social function without drink? Why? It's so hard! Argh.

I've also noticed, to my shame, that most people don't drink like I did. They have a few glasses and can stop then. Whereas with me it was like a race to the bottom. We had about 30 people in the house on Saturday at the party and not one of them seemed obviously drunk. Being sober is pointing out to me how unhealthy my relationship to alcohol was.

Even though I know I won't drink, I think this week I would actually like to. I'd love to have that bottle and just relax into a drunken haze. I used to love next day drinking the most. The bottle you'd have the day after the night before. I loved that buzz I got.

Anyway, there you all go. My life story for this week!

Hope you're all doing well and trying to deal with life the best you can.

xxxxMtts

I'm not done yet!

So people, as you can see from my title, the last few days have pointed out to me clearly that I'm still just at the start of this new path.

I've had a friend to stay with her two kids. We'd normally have a bottle or two (who'm I kidding) between us when we hook up. I'm pretty sure she wanted to drink but she said she thought it wouldn't be fair of her to given my situation. Of course I went overboard saying that I didn't mind at all if she drank and that she totally should get a bottle. But actually, on reflection, I'm glad she didn't. It's not that it would've killed me or anything but it just makes life that little bit easier if people don't....

We've a big party this weekend for lovely husband's 40th. We've people coming from the UK and from Ireland. I'm quite nervous about it all and feel like I just want to organise the party but then hide away for the night! I know it'll be fine but I guess I'm just apprehensive. Also lovely husband is finished his 'in support' 100 day challenge so it'll be weird that he's drinking again. He doesn't really have much, maybe a bottle or two but at least when he wasn't I felt like I had a non drinking buddy.

I think I'm having a few days where although I don't feel like drinking I do miss that relief that it gives, initially at least. That lovely, first few sips, relaxation. I guess that is a feeling that is no longer available to me and I am learning how to deal with that. I'm tired and I'm stressed a little bit.

However, I know it will pass and thank god I have my lovely little online group of supporters. I really couldn't do this without you guys so thanks so much. All your comments mean SO much to me.

Hope you're all doing ok.

xxxxxxxMtts. 

Am I done now?

Hello all

So I'm just feeling now that I'm done with drinking for sure. Am I being cocky? Too confident? Do I need to stop blogging? Is that it? I can safely say that I really haven't had any major cravings over the last 102 (!) days and even now the thought of drinking turns my stomach.

Surely it can't be that easy? It's my husband's 40th next weekend and I'm actually looking forward to being sober at it. I want to keep blogging but I'm not sure I have that much to say anymore. Like, I'm sober, I don't drink. That's pretty much it really. (I do eye up wine bottles in friend's houses and make sure they keep their glasses topped up though..whatever that means..)

Some feedback from you all would be great.

Thank you my darlings and hope you're all doing ok.

xxMtts.

Day 100!

Hello dolls

Day 100!!!

I'm not counting really, the days since I last had a drink but day 100 is a special one isn't it?

And the best thing is that now to celebrate I get jewellery! No more cheap bottles of vino tinto for this sober momma. No way! I got a gorgeous Alex and Ani braclet from amazing husband. I sent him yesterday's blog post when he asked me how I was feeling about being sober for over 3 months. So when he was choosing the bangle on the bracelet he chose the skeleton key for me. This is the symbol for power, choice and liberation. Yes, it's true he rocks. He's a thoughful, supportive man who opted in for the 100 day challenge to support me.
I love being powerful, liberated and all through my own choosing.

We have to break the news to his folks that I've given up as they're coming from the UK next week. His dad loved that I liked a drink and we'd often have tasting evenings so I don't know how he's going to take it. I know they'll be really supportive but I can't help but think he'll be a little bit sad!

Of course, I have to thank all of you who read and comment on this blog. All of you who encourage and support and can empathize with me as we go through our various different journeys. Thank you so much for reading and writing and just giving a fuck in general. It's crazy that we've never met and don't really know each other. It's crazy that I think about you if you haven't posted in a few days and hope you're doing ok....Thank you all for helping me through this first 100 days.

Let's raise our glasses to the next 100!

Lots of love
xxxxMtts.

Sunshine and moonbeams!

Hello my darlings!

Day 99!!

Here I am, I know you were all wondering where I was but I'm back now.

We've just returned from 2 amazing weeks in Clare, on the West coast of Ireland. We were camping. It rained. We had gale force 9 winds. We had sunshine. We had wet and dry. We also had a ball. Probably the best holiday we've had in a long, long time.

And...I didn't drink! I'm amazing! There were moments where it was difficult but there were none whre I actually really felt like having a drink. The kids stayed up late, where they would be usually put away as early as possible so as not to interfere with drinking time. We were never rushing back from the beach so as I could start on my bottle for the day. We didn't have to stop in a pub along the way so I could enjoy my holiday with some wine. We didn't have to be anywhere or do anything at any given time. It was bliss.
We reconnected with each other and with our lives and how we want to live them. I feel nothing is impossible. I feel I can do whatever I put my mind to. I'm so, so happy that I no longer drink alcohol. Life is so much more interesting and open and most of all FREE now that I don't drink. I can't explain it. I no longer have to worry about when to start drinking, when to stop, how much to drink, how to drink as much as I can without anyone judging me or telling me to stop. I can still remember that feeling of after the first few sips of a glass of wine, that horrible feeling of knowing that I had to finish to the end what I'd started and how I didn't really feel like I had a choice to stop.

Anyway people, it's so lovely to be back. I've been reading your blogs while I was away. I'm following you Sober mummy with great interest as you're on your hols too and so many of your blogs are summing up exactly how I'm feeling too.

Keep on keeping on my dears. Or as SM says, bring on the woop!

xxxxMtts.

Hello all of you gorgeous amazing people

So has anyone realised how small and tiny and imprisoned their lives were when they were drinking? Before I committed to anything anyone asked me to do I'd have to consider 1.Would there be drink 2.Would I do too hungover to attend 3. Would it be with people where I'd have to watch how much I was drinking?
Eugh. Horrible.
Now I'm free to do what I want, any old time. I've been doing alot of driving this week. It's great to just be able to hop in the car, turn on some music and off I go! On my merry way. (not, drunk merry obvs) Not drinking has been so freeing for me. I think that's one of the main benefits I've seen. That and starting to think I'm actually quite cool. And a tiny bit hot. Sometimes. (total turn around from invisible, sliding into middle age, sad woman)
So we're off on hols tomorrow or Sunday. I'm bringing the laptop so will hopefully be able to log on and see what all of youse are up to. Watch the youtube clip below for an insight into my next two weeks....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFTgkibl7DU

Keep it country my dears. xxxx Mtts. xx

Oh. My. God. or Families and alcohol. Plus The Chemical Brothers save the day.

Wah, I've been away a whole week my lovely people. It's so nice to be back. I miss you all when I haven't blogged in awhile. But I'm always checking in on your blogs, even when I don't write myself.

So...Families..like what's that all about? And families with alcohol added in...like, what even?
I was up with my folks over the weekend to celebrate my nieces 1st birthday. The party started at 1.30pm and ended at 1.30am with my mum going to bed crying and my sister's friend off her face on wine. Woo!! I never, ever, ever have been so glad I'm not drinking anymore. In the end I had to drop said friend home as there was no taxis available. (A first for me) I also broke up a big row between her and my sister. Can I just remind you this was a child's first birthday party?

Drinking man, it's no good. The shit people think it's ok to come out with when they're drunk is incredible. It lowers your 'this is not the place or time to have this serious conversation with this person' barrier so that any old grouse or grumble you have inside comes pouring forth. And it's usually the worst place or time to bring your 'issues' up.
Next time I'm going to bed. For reals.

I did have a few white knuckle moments earlier on in the day when everyone was sitting outside in the sun drinking cold white wine. I caved and drove (yes, I was at a party and I was able to drive!) down to get my fav elderflower and grape fizz from Tesco. I could actually feel the tension in my body. Then when one of the lads asked why I wasn't drinking and I told them I'd given up, well everyone was full of interest! Mostly it was one girl (see earlier) who was agreeing with what I was saying and said it made her feel uncomfortable about how much was familiar to her...

Oh!! And, I had a chat with my sister who said she too, along with my brother, was getting worried about my drinking. My sister! Who I had in the same 'just as big a drinker as me' group. She said lately she'd noticed my drinking escalating. It was hard to hear but also great as it just confirms my decision and brings home the reality of the problem. She did also say 'You're nicer too since you've stopped drinking'!!! I didn't ask my mum and dad what they thought, don't know if I could've handled more than one persons opinion on it at that time!

So, that was a major milestone for me, being in my parents, at a party and not drinking. It was tough but after the party and all the rows and the awkward shit the next day I was so glad I'd made my decision.

Oh a plus point, we had a big festival in the park beside us so every night we'd hang out the back garden, listening. Highlights include the beautiful and amazing Hozier and the soundtrack to my misspent youth The Chemical Brothers! What would the girl back then think of herself now I wonder?!

Thank you all for being there for me, I loves ya all.

xxxMtts. xx

Was I that bad? AKA I didn't drink every night AKA A bit of help please!

Hello my darlings

Day 70!!!

Sooo, the last few days I've been weirdly thinking what would happen if I just drank on my holidays, or at my husband's 40th. I know in my logical mind all that would happen it that it would be the gateway back to drinking again but I still can't help it. I mean I was usually pretty well behaved on holiers. I didn't get really pissed or let it impact on the days.

I know this thinking is mad and I've been having dreams in where I'm drinking. I have a few glasses and then I realise what I've done and I start feeling all panicky. When I read sober blogs, alot of them are written by people who drank every night, and some days too! I wasn't like that I only really drank at the weekend and maybe one night a week. I've also read enough to know what I'm thinking is madness and that I can't drink on a one off basis. I know one night of wine is just opening the gate to more and more and more.

I was walking around a really nice touristy seaside town near where I live yesterday and there were people all having pizza and chilled glasses of white wine. Mmmm I miss that. More than occasion drinking. For a few hours after I was a bit gutted and felt left out, I can't do that anymore. I thought how lovely it would be to join in that fun but then I used that brilliant 'play it to the end of the movie' tool. I know I'd have one glass and then try to sly in another one (to get my buzz on) much to my husband's exasperation (can you not just have one glass of wine?). Then I'd spend the rest of the afternoon trying to construct a situation where I could have another one to keep the buzz going 'Let's go for a coffee or an ice cream!! Oooh look! They sell wine here! Sure I might as well have one of those instead. it's such a lovely day!' Who did I think I was fooling like? Even if I wanted a coffee or an icecream, I'd have the wine instead, just so I could keep feeling tipsy. Then there'd be a stop off on the way home for 'bread' or 'toilet paper' or 'a hammer' or some other ridiculous excuse in the name of a bottle of wine. So when I played that situation to the end I felt alot better. I definitely was a slave to alcohol.

But still, I'd really like some of your thoughts on why I can't just drink on my hols, or at the 40th birthday party of my lovely, lovely, normal drinking husband (who is now also on day 70 of the 100 day sober challenge for moral support)
I know in my logical mind why I can't do this but some support from you lovely people would be great.

Lots and lots of love, Mtts. xxx

Checking in

Hello kindly folk,

Not too much to report apart from pre-painters in anger and tiredness. Oh momma am I angry...

Anyway my sister and boyf and their bubba are staying this weekend, which of course, brings it's own stresses and strains, not sure I'm quite ready for visitors yet! I'm quite happy in my little bubble. My sister isn't drinking though but we have an awful habit of annoying eachother. We do try our best though!

 I just wanted to check in as I know blogging does really help and makes me feel like I have a lifeline of folk out there who understand what's going on for me. We're going on hols in a couple of weeks so am a bit nervous about how that's going to pan out, especially as my parents are coming for a week and they like a drink at night. (Ooops, forgot I spoke about this previously!)

We're having very interesting conversations about alcohol lately, it's very weird to be able to be totally open about how I thought about alcohol and how much it consumed my thoughts. I never could admit how I felt about it before in case someone said to me that I had a problem and then I'd have to give up!! The tangled webs we weave for ourselves...

Anyway, hope you're all doing well on this Saturday evening.

Lots of love
Mtts. xxxx

The further I get the clearer I see

Hello you bastions of beauty, all of you,

Things are going well here, if you don't count my incredibly short fuse, which poor lovely husband bares the brunt of mostly.

This post won't be too long but can I just say that the further I get from drinking alcohol the more I see how fucked up it made me. How much time I spent worrying about my health (both mental and physical), my kids (how would they cope when I died of cirrhosis), what I'd said or done the night before, my finances and so on. How lately it was harder and harder to get that lovely buzz off it, how my drinking had become more committed and more determined. How I'd stopped all pretence of pacing myself or limiting myself. I was drinking for only one thing. To get pissed. Towards the end I really was ruled by the bottle. Sometimes I'd have one or two glasses and I'd actually feel like stopping but I couldn't. I'd be saying to myself that I'd started now and I have to keep going. That is mental!

I can't believe that I've gone from someone who was terrified for years to face the idea of being a problem drinker and having to do something about it to someone who can't really imagine having a drink again. 

I have found myself being more neurotic about the kids and less patient of people since I've given up. People seem to annoy me more. I'm such a bitch!! I don't know why they do. I was never known for my high levels of tolerance in general but it's really gone to shite lately!

Anyway, we've all lived to fight another day, in whatever state we're in. So go us.
xxxMtts.

Cleaning on a Saturday night...

Hello doodles

Day 60!!!

Well, what does cleaning the house at 8.30pm on a Saturday mean to you? To me tonight it meant a desire to get rid of that itchy 'would like a cold, cold glass of white wine' feeling. It's funny, although I have zero want to actually drink it still doesn't stop those feelings from arising.

I was talking alot today with various people about my soberity. I felt strong and liberated and great. Then I got home and I just had a moment of 'what now'. It was 5pm on a lovely Saturday and the most natural thing in the past, would have been to open a bottle of wine. So I got itchy and I started cleaning. I got about 15 minutes in and I knew I needed to call in the big guns. The cleaning wasn't working. I hopped into the car down to Marks & Spencers (fancy food and clothing shop) and bought some nice drinks and crisps and a really fancy relish I'd been looking at for awhile. So that seemed to help!

I also had a great discussion today about an Andrew Marr (historian dude on the telly) documentary we'd watched last night. I was actually able to remember some of the names and dates that were talked about in it! That's a miracle. I love those history programmes but was usually a good bottle of wine down watching them so in one ear and out the other.

So I'm delighted that I'm on day 60 and am seeing the benefits and feeling the liberation that sobriety allows.

I hope you're all doing ok.

Keep on trucking, one foot in front of another people!

xxMtts

Coffee and red velvet cupcakes on the green

Hello my dearieyeos

I hope you are all doing well and trying to give yourselves some self car.

I had a lovely day today. I'm deffo noticing an improvement in my mood and my energy levels. We had a picnic out on the green by my house for a friend's birthday. We had coffee and red velvet cupcakes (oohhh YUM) and a really good chat and laugh.

We got talking about my giving up drinking (I've been upfront with my close family and friends about it). One of the girls (who I used to go 'running' with) was sort of saying 'Well sure, you've nearly done 60 days now, that's great, you can start drinking again'!!!!! Argh. The what now?? I told her it wasn't the not drinking that was a problem it was the moderation that I can't do. I really, really can't. She said 'Like, could you go to a pub and have two drinks and then stop?'
Pfffff, no. Of course I can't. That's just for starters. I would feel itchy and pissed off and angry if I had to drink that and then stop. Nightmare. (Funnily enough she was saying that she thinks that she has a serious sugar addiction, that if someone told her she could never have sugar again she'd have to go to a sugar addiction meeting. That the thought of giving it up terrified her. Sound familiar? The thought of giving up drink used to send me into a spiral of panic and fear...)

Like I've said before, I actually don't even mind not being able to be a normal drinker. I've no interest in two glasses of wine. For me, it's all or nothing. I tried moderation for years. I tried writing down how much I was going to have when I drank. I tried only buying a certain amount of alcohol. I tried pouring half a bottle of wine into a measuring jug and only having that. I tried only going out with a certain amount of money. I tried having my husband give me a hard time if I drink. I tried it all and sometimes it worked for awhile but it always went back to the point of me drinking to get pissed and blacking out alot of the time.

I'm really glad I blogged today as I was having some wolfie thoughts about how much of a problem I have. Not in anyway thinking that I'd drink but just some random thoughts about it floating around. Especially when people's reaction to my news about giving up is, in some cases, 'you're not that bad, are you, you don't need to totally give up?!'
But I guess that alcohol can be that insidious, it's not always up in your face and sitting on a park bench with a two litre. Sometimes it's a mother of two, who drives a mammy wagon and cooks dinner every night.

The last few months of my drinking I felt invisible and old and that that was how I was going to feel till I died. I had no idea that how I felt had anything to do with alcohol but it turns out it did! I feel like there's a whole new path stretching out in front of me with so many opportunities for me to take! (disclaimer: may feel opposite tomorrow and moan about crappy stuff)

Sorry if that blog was a ramble of lots of different things just spewed out onto the page but out it had to come!

Anyway my darlings, mind yourselves and remember to apply plenty of sunscreen!

xxxMtts.

I've missed you all!

Hello you lovely people

I've missed you all! Our laptop (n'er a tablet in sight here) gave up the ghost there for a few days but it's cranked up again so I can blog again, thank god. I was really itching for a good old yap.

So things are going well enough at the moment. We had a lovely weekend, on Saturday we stayed in a hotel with the kids. Highlight for no. 2 was picking up the phone in the room and saying 'knickers' and hanging up. Hilarious I'm sure. We spend the evening all in the same bed, eating chocolate and watching A shark's tale. So super different than if I'd been drinking. We'd have been in the bar till as late as I could get away with and then I'd have hauled my hungover ass out of bed the next day, grumbling and feeling guilty. On Friday the kids had a sleepover so instead of 'going for dinner' (any excuse for a piss up) we went to the beach and I had a swim, then we got chips from the chipper and sat looking out at the sunset. Then we went to to pub. For a COFFEE!! Madness. It was a gorgeous weekend though. I had a few white knuckled moments but all in all it was fine.


I've been in a good few situations where I've felt 'oooh, a glass of wine would be perfect just about now' but then I've actually remembered Jason Vale's thing about how a nice experience is down to the company you're keeping or your mood etc and not down to alcohol. I'm really finding the whole 'play the movie to the end' tool really, really helpful. One glass of lovely wine only ever led to one place for me.

I'm having glimpses of truths about drinking, nothing I can actually concretely grasp but I know there's stuff trying to get out and hopefully I can catch something soon and try and share some actual wisdom with you all!

Hope you are all doing well.

xxxxxxMtts

The moment I fell in love

Day 50

For some reason I feel really nervous about writing this post. Don't know why, I've told it enough times. I suppose the act of actually committing something to black and white makes it more real, more permanent.

So in my younger years (from about 20-24) I did alot of drugs. I dropped out of college, I hung around with people that weren't really my friends, I went clubbing, I got fired from more than one job. I was wild and I was lost and I didn't really like myself very much. I was so insecure and I worried all the time that people didn't like me. I had no self respect. I thought I was worthless and not worthy of the people around me.

So one night we'd been out at a birthday party, taking loads of pills. We stayed up all night (natch) and just as we were starting to come down and get tired and ready for sleep someone suggested to take another pill. Which, of course, we did. So we took it and then napped for a bit till it kicked in. Then someone decided that we should all go into town to an early house. All well and good. So off we took ourselves on a Monday morning, past all the people queuing at bus stops or walking to work off to the pub. I got about halfway down the road when I had an horrendous panic attack/freak out. I was in bits. So one of the lads brought me back to the house we'd been in and I went to bed. But of course I couldn't sleep. So I lay there all day, petrified. Eventually I started to feel a bit better and got myself into town. Where upon I ordered a pint of lager. I will never forget how I felt about halfway down that pint. All my anxiety left, I felt much, much better and I knew I had fallen in love. I couldn't believe that this innocent, innocuous substance could work such magic.

Thus followed a short time more of drug use but loads and loads more drinking.

So there you go. That's the story of the time I fell in love. And I still remember vividly standing in that pub with music playing all around me and that feeling that alcohol had made it all ok.

I hope you all are managing, one way or another, to get through your days and try to find yourselves some peace.

Lots of love.
An emotional Mtts.
xxxxxx

Up and down and round and round....

Hello there dear hearts

Day 48 (what the actual fuck?!)

I hope you're all doing well and trying to pick your way through this crazy journey!

The last couple of days have been up and down again. I'm feeling a bit frustrated that I'm not getting the pay off I'd expected from putting down the bottle! People talk about waking up refreshed and clear-headed. I just wake up tired. I feel like I actually felt better about things when I was drinking as all this stuff just never got a chance to come up.

 We had a girls night in last Thursday, watched 'This is 40' (funny) ate and drank (well they did). At first I couldn't keep my eyes off the bottles being opened but then I relaxed into it. Couldn't believe when we moved from the kitchen into the sitting room to watch the film that some people FORGOT ABOUT THEIR GLASSES OF WINE!! They left them on the kitchen table. 'Hello people! Are you actually mental? You have wine! You left it in the kitchen! But it's ok now, I brought it in for you!'  I mean really. How could you forget about a glass of wine. How is it possible to have such a casual relationship with something that I obsessed about constantly?

As I write I realise that is such a nice thing not to have to worry about anymore. I spent so much of my time doing that. I just watched the Mrs D is going without clip where she goes on telly to talk about her addiction. I could really relate to it. The push/pull of wanting to drink but not wanting to drink. Horrendous.

I still feel that I can't get too excited about the whole no drinking thing though. I think someone described it as being 'underwhelmed'. It's not that I can't see the positives of it but I just thought that I would feel better, less tired, more positive. I think all I am is grumpy and knackered. 

We did though watch two films this weekend Birdman (Brilliant) and Burn after reading (also brilliant). I realised that when I was drinking I wouldn't have been able to remember the end of either film and that actually we probably wouldn't have even probably watched two films. Then last night I had a moment of panic where I thought 'I wasted so much of my life on alcohol and I'm 41 now. I've hardly anytime left to do all the stuff I want to do!' WAAAAA! See up and down like a crazy person.


Anyhoo, my dears, keep in country an' shit.
xxxxx
Mtts.

The horrors

Well my darlings

Yesterday and Monday I was in the horrors. I was horrible, horrible, horrible. I was looking after 7, yes count them, 7 children, who fought and wound me up the whole time. It was probably how I was feeling and not them as they're usually great kids.

I felt angry and cross and mean and awfuck. I had a big row with lovely husband on Monday evening, we made up and then had another small one on Tuesday night.

I was supposed to go to yoga last night (I know, I know, I would have felt much better if I had) but I called down to a close friend who is the font of all emotional knowledge. She works in the mental health sector so is full of calmness and sense. I was telling her that I was feeling awful and asking why was I feeling so bad and stressed. She, very cleverly, pointed out that usually when I'm stressed I drink a bottle of wine. Now I don't do that anymore and I need to put other destressing procedures in place. She also mentioned that there may be stuff coming up that needs to be addressed, so I guess I'll have to have a look at that too. Phooey.

I've realised that I spent most of my time thinking about drinking, being drunk and being hungover. In those states it's easy not to really know what your everyday level emotionally is. (crazy bitch by the looks of the last few days). I've been finding myself up and down on an hourly basis. When I was drinking I had a reason at the end of the week to sit down and stop. When I had hangovers I was on a go slow. Now I don't have any of those constraints but I really need to find a way to stop and relax (like going to the yoga I missed...)

I've started to realise that giving up drink is more about how you deal with things with you stop than the actual putting down of the glass. It's like learning to walk again with a crutch having been taken away. It's scary and wobbly and you've nothing to lean on when you feel most unbalanced. So it's really made me see how at the very, very start of this journey I am and how I need to be kind to myself and those around me.

Of course, I could just be getting the 'painters in'. And it wouldn't be that unlikely as I do go a bit mental the week before that.

On the up side though I had a lovely wander with my son this evening, playing ninjas and he told me all about his lego sensai. We've also booked a night away at a hotel this weekend (with a pool! and a sauna!) for the family and I'm really looking forward to that. Oh and also, I got onto Belle's 100 day sober challenge today so was well chuffed!

Ok dolls, must dash.

Love you all long time. xxMtts

The weekender

Hello little beauties

Day 40 today!

It's a beautiful Sunday evening here, as I sit in bed writing to you all. It was a tough weekend though. I had moments of almost panic as the reality of what I'm doing set it. No floating away on a glass of wine, no joining in the few beers or the white wine. Just sobriety all the time. Every day. In some ways that sounds great to me but in others so scary.

We had a big charity jumble sale on our road on Saturday, which was great fun and we raised loads of money. (loadsamooonnnnneeyyy). I bought a few raffle tickets for something I really wanted to win and was unreasonably dissapointed when I didn't. Like a bleedin teenager I was, in a right strop. Usually I wouldn't have cared as I'd have probably have had a glass of wine by that point. It was hard after as there was wine and beer for all of us workers, out on the green in the lovely weather. I had a coke instead and the moment passed. There was plenty of alcohol but hardly any of it was drank, I'd have gone through a good bit of it in olden days.

Then today we were invited to a bbq in our friends. I really didn't want to go and almost cancelled at the last minute but I sort of made a pack with myself to go to everything I'm asked to, if you don't well that's when it starts to get really boring. When we walked in I saw the cocktail glasses with strawberries and mint in them and nearly turned around and left! Still, I persevered and had some classy elderflower and grape drink (from Tesco, really nice). I was in a right grump for the first hour but then I started to relax and actually (shock, horror) enjoyed myself. It did help that (yet again) people drank very little. Not sure how much of pissed folk I could have handled. I'm really lucky that I was the biggest drinker of most of my friends!

I find it's not the actual not drinking alcohol that I find hard it's the reconditioning of my brain to not allowing myself to have it and also to get used to socialising without it. I would have used any excuse to get the wine out. And I definitely would have had at least a bottle yesterday and there's no way I'd be able to write anything at this stage today. Still I guess I'm missing it. I am very much still up and down and still tired. But a bit more energy in the last week, I think. To be honest it changes from hour to hour really!

I also feel that sometimes I make too big a deal of giving up wine (this blog, reading sober books, blogs etc). I think sober mummy talked about it once. I think I may be at the stage where people are just getting used to my not drinking (if they even care) and there's no bells and whistles anymore. The novelty is wearing off and it's becoming more of a normality. And i'm not sure how I feel about that!

Anyway, I hope you all keep reading. My blog isn't as insightful and as maybe intelligent as other ones out there (needy alco) but I hope it's of help to my small band of readers (I have three followers now! Three!). I know it's great for me to be able to document this journey.

Lots and lots of fancy non alcoholic elderflower and grape juice to ya'll. And thank you all for being there.

xxxxMtts

Small revelations and a massage

Hello my dear friends

Really wanted to blog the other night but lovely husband was using the ONE laptop in the house (no tablets in our home, we're the new amish..) so I couldn't and fucked if I'm going to do it on my phone.

Anyway, I had a lovely yesterday. I had vouchers for a massage and for Waterstones (fancyish book shop) and my friend took the kids for the afternoon. So I headed into town - on my own. With no children!!.

I went for my massage first and the lady was asking me about injuries etc. So I told her in the last year I've:
1. Broken my leg.
2. Fallen out of an attic
3. Had a traffic barrier come down on my head (don't ask). 

I've also - lost 12 lbs in weight and given  up drinking.
Well, I hadn't really thought about it all like that. What a year. All that stuff to deal with! I'm so proud of myself for making the decision to become sober and free.

I've also started reading The Sober revolution by Lucy Rocca from Soberistas and Sarah Turner. I'm finding it alot easier to connect to than the Jason Vale book (which I still haven't finished). I'm reading it going - tick, I was like that, tick, that too, tick, yep, me.

I guess I've realised too that I'm still in that no-man's-land place of waiting. Waiting to see what journey this massive decision in my life will lead me on and where it will end up!

I've been feeling both so positive and also scared about my new found self. Weirdly, one of the things I'm worried about the most is my relationship with lovely husband. I think I probably leaned on him alot when I was drinking (not the actual being drunk drinking but all the detritus that comes with just drinking). I'm afraid I'll turn into this kick ass kung foo broad that'll want to just do my own thing all the time. I told him all this yesterday and you know what he said? 'Please don't be scared of where this will lead you, just embrace it and enjoy it, it's amazing what you're doing and we'll deal with whatever comes up' I mean for fucks sake!! What is my problem! What a catch, right?

Anyone else have anything like these sorts of fears that they can share with me? Please? Anything at all? Anyone? Bueller?

Ok my beauties.

Peace out. xxx Mtts. x

What should I be doing now?

Hello there my dearies,

35 days

I hope you're all well and enjoying the sunshine, wherever you are. It was a gorgeous day here today and I took 3 children and 2 dogs (not all mine I have to say) for a lovely walk by a little river near us. So beautiful in the sunshine, I have to say it made me appreciate my newly found sobriety!

I was having a little jog for myself today and I was thinking 'should I be doing something else to help me along my journey? I'm not drinking and writing my blog, and reading others but is there something else I should do?' Should I be seeing an addiction counceller or well or, I don't really know. I'm worried that though I'm finding all this no drinking pretty easy so far that I'm going to get bored with all the proactive stuff I need to do - writing the blog and reading others that I'll just give up on giving up.

I'm sorry, I know I'm not making much sense so let me try and explain better. I know the way I am, I get really gung ho and excited about things at the start and once I'm a certain way along the road I just seem to lose interest and get bored. This AF stuff has just seemed too easy so far. I don't know I just feel like I'm stuck or something? Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Like I'm feeling that that's it now and I'm a non drinker and it'll be like this forever. For the rest of my life I'll feel tired and just not be a drinker. Argh, I wish I could explain this better. Damn you writing and describing skills...Maybe some of it is that I feel removed a little bit when I'm writing online, that you're not actually talking face to face with people and connecting that way. Anyone feel like that?

Also, sometime else weird is happening me and I'm sure it'll make me sound ker-azee but I keep getting these tiny feelings as if I'm going to have a revelation about not drinking. A thought will pop into my head and it will feel really important but I can't hold onto it long enough to process it. See I told you. Crazy. Brilliant, I give up wine and end up the lady from The Simpsons with the cats.

Very tired most of today again and quite grumpy, nearly started crying about it at one stage. It's really depressing! I've been to doc over last few years about it but nothing shows up on tests. Seems to have deffo gotten worse since I gave up drink.

Thank you for reading that pile of mental debris people. I feel a bit unhinged this evening, as I'm sure you can tell!!

Take care of all yo'selves and I'll chat tomorrow. xxxMtts.

Booze nation

Darlings...

So apparently the Irish are the booziest nation in the world according to some new study. We have an inherently unhealthy attitude to drinking and no mistake. Sunny outside? Let's have a drink! Raining? Wine? Snowing? Woo hoo! A nice hot whiskey. Sad? Drink. Happy? Drink. Confused? Drink. Have to go to the toilet? Sure you might as well have a drink while you're at it...I was talking to a neighbour of mine tonight and he was saying that he's off the booze for awhile, which means he won't be meeting any girls from this dating site he's on. 'Don't want to be seen as a boring bastard' Thing is, I know what he means. In Ireland if you don't drink you're seen as either an alcoholic or a weird religious type. Or indeed, a boring bastard.

Make of that what you will. I think the tide is turning a little bit but it has a long way to go. We really do associate literally everything we do with booze. Will I did anyway!

Actually, sometimes I think that maybe it's just me and other problem drinkers that do this. Maybe some people don't actually see a kids birthday party or a trip to town during the day at the weekend as an opportunity to get drunk...

In other pressing news - am still nearly sick with tiredness at the end of some days. Really, what's the point if I feel so crappy alot of the time. Sigh.

Sorry if this post is a bit crappy, have lovely husband and son sick in bed beside me and daughter looking for a bed buddy also so am a bit distracted writing this!

Will return tomorrow dear hearts.

Thank you all again for your lovely, and very, very wise comments.

xxxMtts.

Rice crispie buns and a charming man

Hello darlings

Come on in, take off your shoes, here are some nice warm slippers, make yourselves at home...

So I hope you've all had good, sober weekends. It's been a crazy weekend here with rice crispy bun making for a party for ten million six year olds. Which all went off without a hitch. Apart from feeling like a zombie. I'd been running around all day on Friday preparing for said party and then up till midnight making buns and all that jazz. When I finally went to bed I didn't go to sleep until 2AM!! I blame Marian Keyes.

So yesterday I felt tireder than I've ever felt in years! Mind you so did lovely husband, he was in bed at 8.30. Which is disgraceful. I was in bed at 11, woke up at 9.30am, couldn't face the day from tiredness then went back to sleep till nearly 2.20pm! Like wtf? SO tired, not sure what that's all about.

Also having weird drinking dreams. And I'm finding myself clenching my jaw alot. Had a few 'This is ridiculous, why can't I drink? I wasn't that bad' moments. And I know wasn't that bad, compared to 'real' alcoholics but I know that it upset my husband and I know that it only ever ended up in one place. That I could never just have a couple, didn't even want to want to be one of those crazy people who could do that. I mean, what's the point if you're not going to get pissed, right?

Reading said Marian Keyes (amazing, amazing author and lady. Love her) 'This charming man'. One of the characters in it, Marnie, is an out and out alcoholic and it's sort of freaking me out that I can relate to her. Back in the day I did so many dangerous stupid things when I was drinking. I lived in London for 5 years and man, did I go crazy. Remember waking up one morning with bottles of drink (which I had stolen from some random persons house that we ended up in) in my bag and bruises on my arms, as if someone was holding me really tight. Arggh. So many nights when weird stuff happened or I'd wake up the next day not knowing how I got home. In the absolute horrors. The stupid, dangerous situations I'd put myself in.

Sometimes I compare myself to how I was then and I think that I don't really have a problem now. None of that sort of stuff happens to me these days. Why didn't that all escalate? How come I was able to sort myself out then? Does that mean I don't have a problem?

Woo, that was a lot more than I'd planned to write and to put down in black and white.

So my darlings, so good to see you. Don't forget to come again. Please bring more hot chocolate and cake.

Thank you all so much for reading.

xxxMtts.

Ah running, let me count the ways I love thee

Day 30
Think the pink cloud is back temporarily. Yee haw. Had a good day today again.
Met my bro yesterday who said that I seem changed, that I seem more open and relaxed. Well, that's always good to hear.

Oh and I looked in the mirror in the car today and I was all like 'wooo baby you looks HAWT!' (this is something I hardly ever say to myself, ever.) But I dunno, think I'm not looking too bad these days.

Also I went for a run tonight (people can seriously walk faster than I can run) and I feel really good after that. I heart running for evs.

I did have a moment today though when lovely husband said 'I'm doing to do the 100 days' He's supporting me and is a normal so he really doesn't need to. I said 'well sure you're 30 days down already so only another 60 to go, unlike moi, I can never drink again!!' Well that put the fear of god momentarily in me. Then I just decided 'nope, not going to think about that for now'. It's that kind of limbo stage I think when you haven't gone that long without and drink and you haven't been faced with any major challenges to your sobriety. It's a no-mans- land of remembering how drinking was and not being established enough to really know what long term AF really entails.

Anyhoo people, I'm waffling. Must away now and make rice crispie buns for 30 million children for a birthday party. Gah.

Love you all long time,


xxxxxxxxMtts. 

It's only a drink...

Hello lovelies

So today I was on the phone to my folks in Italy (on holiday there for a month, the lucky ducks). My dad was describing where he was 'sitting in the sun with a chilled glass of white wine, looking over the sea' and I thought to myself 'It's only a drink'. As in, well it's just a glass of wine, all those other things he's talking about are fully open and available to me, it's only the wine bit I can't have.
I'm not sure why that struck a chord with me but I felt it was worth documenting. Maybe it's a little in road in the thoughts of 'How am I going to go without ever having a drink again?'

I also told a friend that I was giving up. She said that the last time she met me I hadn't seemed myself at all and that I'd lost my spark. She was delighted that I'm AF. It was a really good reminder on how I was feeling back then (a whole month ago!) and she's right. I felt old and tired and sick. Today was a good day and I played with the kids and I felt good about myself.

I hope this makes sense to someone out there! I'm not sure it even makes much sense to me!

Anyway people, thanks for reading.

xxxxMtts.

Feelings, nothing more than feelings....

Hello you lovely people,

28 days later!! That's a month, right??

Been away for a few days and have been dying to get back to you all. We went up to Dublin at the weekend to visit my sister and her family. My folks were away so we all stayed in their house.

We did lots of fresh air, wholesome things. Walks in the park, visits to the playground, picnics, strolls by the canal (this was actually particularly stressful with trying to prevent two small children from throwing themselves into the water..). It was a lovely weekend but it was fraught too. I got very hangry on one of the days and poor lovely husband and childer bore the brunt. Boo for me.

What I'm finding difficult more than anything is not my cravings for alcohol but is my emotions. I'm feeling so guilty about the kids, my patience levels aren't too high at the moment and I'm finding it really hard to find the energy to connect with them. I do have very low iron stores which is causing tiredness so am addressing that. However, I find that I feel like I had more energy when I was drinking than I have now!! I can get pretty snitty at times too. I was talking to lovely husband last night and he was saying that I'm going through a massive change in my life so things are bound to be all over the place a bit.

I was thinking over the weekend that I might as well start drinking again as I'm not even getting the pay off of feeling all rested and full of energy. But sure, that was just a momentary thing.

I am finding it cool when I'm making plans with people that I don't have to ask myself 'Will I be hungover that day?, can I make those plans without having to break them due to skanky after effects of wine?' So that's nice. To be able to be more available. I also think that alot of the benefits of giving up drink come after a bit of time has passed and some perspective has formed.

So anyway, things to work on - connecting to kiddlesticks and not eating so much sugar!!

Thank you my darlings, allowing me to chat to you!

xxxxxMtts.

Pubbing it

Hello my darlings

Soooo, feeling much better today. Went to the pub last night though. Why? What was I thinking? It was my friend's birthday and I called her during the day to cancel going and that I'd meet her again for coffee. Then I changed my mind and drove down. I actually got really nervous walking in! I don't know why! I had no intention on drinking, had no want on me to either.

We all sat down, I know two of the girls well and had told them the score but the other two I don't know hardly at all. Woo! It was actually pretty boring. Then people started talking about kids and I was like 'I am OUT of here' I felt really uncomfortable for most of the time actually. We did have a nice chat at one stage but after about an hour I felt totally and utterly exhausted and I left. As I was walking out it seemed like every single person in the place was drinking wine. I must have looked crazy as my eyes flicked from table to table, walking past really fast. MENTAL alert!! Pubs are boring when you're not drinking and it's the nighttime. Let me tell you I won't be doing that for awhile again. No way.

It's so weird I just feel like I shouldn't be feeling odd or weird about this, like I have no right too. I mean if I was drinking bottles of whiskey everyday then I'd be a proper alcoholic and I could allow myself to feel all these things I think I shouldn't be feeling. I can't really explain it. 

Today has gone well and we're heading up to the big smoke to see my sister and my niece for the weekend, she's taking Belle's challenge so at least there'll be no booze around. As SM says - If you can go without it when I'm around please do but if not please work away! I'm beginning to think that's pretty much my attitude at the moment too!

Ok my dollfaces, all of you. Keep yourselves safe and sober!

xxMtts

Is it ok to say I have a drinking problem

Hello lovies

Following on from last night's post - I feel bad now that I posted that need for a craving. I have been reading blogs since then and I see how many people are struggling so much with cravings that I don't want to rub anyones face in how I'm feeling (still cross by the way...)

I think what I was trying to say in my shambolic way was - If I didn't drink everyday, is it ok to be getting sober and saying that I have a drink problem? This is totally obvious and if someone asked me, of course I'd say yes but somehow I need to be reassured that it's ok! Does anyone think that drinking 3/4 days a week means that I might go through the same stuff as people who drank every night? SM was talking about PAWS in her blog, I wonder could that apply to me? Why am I even worrying about this?? I think under it is maybe Wolfie starting to possibly get her claws in...?

I'm sorry for these rambling self involved posts but I need to get this down to try and work through it. Overthinking. As usual.

I'm going to find three things to be grateful for today (one of them is sitting on the table in front of me chatting away to herself) and report back later. 

Ok my dear hearts.

Keep on truckin'

xxMtts

Cross, bothered but not hot

Gah. Why am I so cold all the time? Annoying. Cold hands, cold heart.
Anyway for some reason I'm cross tonight. With myself. I didn't go to yoga tonight,  (why can't I commit to anything?) back was killing me, I felt tired and shitty. I went to lie down for an hour when lovely husband came home from work when I should have gone for a walk or at the very least eaten a proper dinner. I haven't spent proper play time with the kids in ages. Am bad mother. I had 6 kids here today due to childminding duty (don't mistype me, am not flowery, gentle, kind mother who bakes and paints with children and never shouts - am opposite, If I smoked I'd flick my fag ash into the pot of gruel I was begrudgingly serving up for my family) and they did stress me out a teeny weeny bit.

Argh and I was having a great day, Mam rang me full of pride for my wine decision ('You've such determination, from the time when you were 13 and you decided you didn't like your handwriting so you learnt how to write more nicely..), had a lovely visit to the farmer's market, am now down 12lbs in fat fighters....what went wrong??!!!

Why also do I feel like I'm missing out on this becoming sober thing? I didn't drink every night so it's not like I even get the martyrdom of physical withdrawals (yes, I know, I wouldn't want them if I did). I have to wait until 6 weeks sober to say I've done something that I've never done before. Although in fairness, I've never decided to give up wine permanently before. I'm afraid that I've made the decision to stop going to AA I'm not taking it seriously anymore and thus I will relapse. Even though I don't feel like drinking. When will it get harder? When can I prove to myself that I can overcome a challenge?When will I FEEL LIKE HAVING A DRINK?? (I know I'll be back here soon wishing these days back) Am so mental. Is this no drinking mental or just normal 'I have my period' mental or even just normal normal mental?

Answers, dear hearts on a postcard please.

xxxxMtts

Saying goodbye to AA (for now)

 Hello darlings,

I hope the weekend was kind to you and you managed to keep on track. As I said in my last blog, I had a ball. On Sunday we went up to the allotment and put down some courgettes. I did loads of weeding, which is actually very relaxing. Who knew! Me! Gardening!

So I didn't go to my Monday night meeting (I've been going to two a week for the last few weeks) and I think I'm not going to go again, for awhile at least. I find what I read online and what I experience in the meetings very conflicting. I see myself as becoming free from alcohol whereas alot of people at meetings seem to be defined by their drinking, or their drinking of many, many years ago. Not that I'm judging. No way no how. I can see how much support and relief the meetings give and I think it's truly amazing to hear what some people have gone through while they were drinking and indeed afterwards. But I just don't know if it's for me. I'm loving all the blogs I'm following and am getting so much inspiration from ALL of them. I'm loving blogging! I'm enjoying how free I'm feeling today. (From now on how I feel is just for today, this minute even as it changes all the time) I'm actually even enjoying the Jason Vale book and am reading it, highlighter in hand.

I told my dad about my decision today and he was so supportive, he said he really admired me and whatever happened he'd be there for me. Which is nice!

I also wanted to ask for your advice. I've been off wine now for 3 weeks and haven't really felt the urge for one since then. Is this normal? Will it last? What happens if I crave one? Is this the pink cloud they talk about? What comes after the pink cloud?! Please do tell dear hearts as I'd love to hear some feedback, whatever it is....

Keep it country my dears
xxxMtts

Freedom!!

Hello lovely people,

Well I think I'm getting it, this whole sober buzz. I had a fantastic day yesterday, I met my brother and sis-in-law on the beach and went for a (bloody) freezing swim, spent a few hours on the (freezing) beach watching my bro and the kids constructing dams, then coffee and cake and then a bbq. The best thing about the whole day was that I felt so FREE! I wasn't planning the day around the first drink (maybe stop off for a pint, then bottle of wine for bbq), I didn't get pissed and messy. Lovely husband didn't worry when would we leave and how would he have to get me out.

Ahh it was so so nice. We had a celebratory drink (grape and elderflower fizz) for the yes vote passing the same sex marriage bill. Yay! I had a good chat with the bro about giving up, he was delighted. Apparently he'd be trying to find a way to bring up that he was a bit worried about my drinking. I think he was relieved that he didn't have to now. I was a bit shocked that he felt like that, I didn't think it was that obvious, or bad (whatever that means).

I'm feeling calm and relaxed this weekend (won't last I know...) and really happy with my decision.

In other good news the Jason Vale book is making a bit more sense to me. I'm going to get my high lighther pen out to mark sentences that I like!


Anyhoo peeps, my popcorn awaits to be popped and hot chocolate to be drank.

Keep it sober my darlings.

xx
Mtts.

ANGRY MTTS

Day 16

Woo hoo! It's ANGRY MMTS here. Very ANGRY, and then happy, and then freaked out, back to ANGRY again, then delighted, then overwhelmed but inevitably back to ANGRY. With everyone. My poor kids and lovely husband. (who I had a roaring argument with today and then hung up on him).

I don't know why I'm so tired and angry. It's not like I drank everyday, it's not like I drank during the day or first thing in the morning. I did however drink about 3/4 evenings a week, at least a bottle of wine. So I don't know maybe anger is some sort of processing emotion. I'd love some feedback on this!

I'm also reading the Jason Vale book - Kick drinking easily. I read the Amazon reviews and on some other sober blogs recommendations I thought I'd like it. And don't get me wrong, there is some really valuable stuff in there but I have major problems with some of this ideas:

- Comparing alcohol to heroin. Like just no. It's not the same. It just isn't. You can't socialise after a hit of gear, or look after your kids, or have the bants with mates. Everyone who drinks alcohol doesn't get addicted (Vale does not agree) but most people who use heroin do.

- He says that everyone who uses alcohol is addicted. Everyone. Even those who have a glass with their dinner or a glass once a week. He uses the following test to prove this - Ask anyone who drinks this question 'You win 100,000k, it's all yours as long as you accept this small proviso - you can't drink alcohol again for the rest of your life' He claims that most of the people he asked either said 'no way, let's get the beers in ' or 'sure, I'd go without for that amount'. Then he 'claims' that the go withouts actually came back to him later saying they were lying and no way would they do this.
I was thinking about his test today and I thought, if someone offered me 100,000k to never, ever eat bread again, or eat chocolate or crisps or butter well, hell, I'd have a hard time agreeing to that either.
Anyway, just because you'd have a hard time saying no to alcohol for the rest of your life doesn't make you an addict. I have loads of friends who have just one glass of wine and that's it. Lots of people in wine making countries drink wine responsibly. Liking having a drink and being an addict are two different things.

I'll keep reading it to the end but am finding those points tough to over look.

It was my birthday yesterday and I spent it sober (yay! - first sober birthday in years) but angry (boo).

Ok that's enough from me people. Please do keep reading and I'd love to hear from you.

Keep on truckin'

Mtts

Mountains and molehills

Hey people

Hope the weekend went well for you all. I had a pretty positive time.
I went to an aa meeting on Friday evening and spent the first half of it thinking 'that's it, these people are way worse than me, I can't relate to this'. Then in the second half a couple of women shared what felt more like how I drank. It was all about the crappy hangovers, the cravings for fat and carbs and just feeling narky and cross the next day and just crappy in general. So who knows, maybe I'll stick around.

We had a gorgeous day on Saturday, hiking a mountain with friends and the kids. It was all going great till I was chatting to own of my closest mates about my drinking (or lack of) and she was saying 'but surely you can moderate, its' not forever is it?'. This girl is brilliantly supportive and fab but that little comment got me thinking. Got me thinking 'yeah sure, of course I can drink again, it's nuts just giving up like this. Forever. And ever.'

 So for the rest of the day I worked myself up into a righteous drinking frenzy. We spent the afternoon in another friend's house drinking tea and eating cake. I have to say it was then that I realised what not drinking again means. No leisurely (who am I kidding, race to the bottom of the bottle more like it) white wine out the back garden in the summer, no wine in the evenings on holiday when the kids are in bed (or even in the early evening when the kids are up. Or even at lunch). No more camaraderie of opening a bottle and kicking back with my girls...no more of any of that. Ever again.

So after all this thinking I began the 'Let's see where I am when I've done a hundred days, maybe then I can drink again!' conversation with the lovely husband. 'Hmm, maybe' sez he, not convinced. 'You've tried moderation before, it didn't really work though, did it?'...'plus I'm actually really enjoying you not drinking' 'Why?' sez meself (for the purpose of not having you sit through the whole conversation we had I'll bullet point it for you)

- when we go for something quick to eat, he knows it's just that. Not me trying to connive a situation where we sit down in a restaurant just so I can drink wine.

- when we visit friends he knows that he's not going to be sitting there at 10pm with kids going mental trying to get my away from the bottle. (just another 5 minutes darling!)

- if we drive, he doesn't always have to be the one to not drink

- we are getting on much, much better since I made the decision not to drink. I can see him visibly more relaxed. Which makes me think my drinking was actually effecting people more than I reckoned it was.

So that was food (not wine) for thought..

Even though I have these conversations with myself there's still a part of me that feels definite and solid about giving up. Maybe that will change or move about but for now I'm not going to drink. I'm still confused in what I'm actually doing here but for now I'm not going to drink.

Thanks for listening people, keep it country.

xx

- 

To AA or not to AA

Day 9

Hello dear people,

My ninth day. Woo! I'm actually feeling pretty good about the whole not drinking thing at the moment. I'm actually feeling guilty about how easy it all seems to be.

I'm still walking a tightrope between thinking about just not drinking for today and not drinking forever. It would be pretty common for me to go for a week or two with out drinking alcohol so I don't feel like I've been challenged yet. I'm waiting for the axe to fall as it were! When I think about not drinking on holidays or on sunny days at a party or bbq I deffo feel overwhelmed but right now the thought of having a glass of wine is not appealing to me. I guess having made some sort of a decision about the whole thing has put me in a different mind set.

I wrote down all the reasons I want to stop drinking alcohol while it's fresh in my mind (the guilt, the worry, not being able to stop once I start, black outs, letting my 3 year old wander round the house a few mornings cos I was asleep in bed (the GUILT, the GUILT)) so I'm hoping that they'll help with the booze comes a knocking. But even know, only 9 days on I'm reading them and thinking 'Arra, they're not that bad' but I know they made me feel bad and they made lovely husband feel like there was a divide between us. I used to worry that if I offered someone a glass of wine that they'd say yes and then I wouldn't have enough left for me. How generous and gracious of me....

So I went to my 4th AA meeting last night and I'm becoming increasingly uncomfortable about the whole thing. When you start they say to try to notice the similarities and not the differences. I found that impossible last night. All of the people who shared spoke of the Gardai (police) calling to their houses, of stealing from their families, of losing their children and partners to this disease.
Most of them had been in recovery centres.

I'm not trying to sound all 'oh there's nothing wrong with my drinking' but I haven't really met that many other aa members that drank like I did. I know there is but I just haven't met them yet!

Then there's the reciting of The Lord's prayer at the end and the constant reminders of how you have to acknowledge a higher power before you can be 'recovered' fully. I'm not religious and I'm really struggling with this.
Lastly there's the whole 'my name is blah and I'm an alcoholic' I mean why do you need to say this every time you speak? It seems to me it's a bit like a millstone around your neck, constantly reminding yourself of what wrongs you have done..

I don't know people, what do I know. It's only my fourth meeting, maybe I just need to stick at it and hope that I'll get it in awhile. I know it's helped so many people so who am I to dismiss it so immediately.

Anyway keep on keepin' on dudes.

xx