Tuesday, 24 January 2017

The good life

So we're very near to buying our first house. We're also well above the average age of buying your first house, but hell, things got in the way! Plus we love where we live.

It's going to be a big change, we currently live in suburbia near to shops and town and all that buzz. My best friend is also my next door neighbour, we even run a small business from her house. We're leaving all this to move rurally to the countryside. We'll be about 10 mins drive to a bigish town and 30 mins from the city. My friends will still be near enough as we're staying in the same county. I can't say I'm not terrified about this move. Leaving everything we know behind. I'm pretty involved in the community here and I'm not sure there's a massive one where we're going. I'm pretty ok at putting myself out there so hopefully I can make some friends. I won't be able to walk to the shop, or to the school and I'm pretty sure there'll be a lack of vegan treats available to me! I'm also lying awake alot at nights, worrying about it all!

BUT, it's a dream we've had for years. Think Tom and Barbra in 'The good life' - chickens, fresh veg, space all that carry on. I know alot of 'townies' move to the country and get a big shock when it's not all they imagined it to be. I'm a firm believer in having and following your dreams. No matter what they are. I'm not so sure that in my drinking days I'd have had the courage to actually make the move. And I know it's going to be mentally easier for me to adjust to our new life without hangovers and cravings and worry about what I did in front of the new neighbours. I'm not expecting it to be easy but I sure as hell know it'll be alot easier than before.

Contracts aren't signed yet but we're going in the right direction so cross your fingers for us!


Friday, 13 January 2017

Some Joyce and an update

“A few light taps upon the pane made him turn to the window. It had begun to snow again. He watched sleepily the flakes, silver and dark, falling obliquely against the lamplight. The time had come for him to set out on his journey westward. Yes, the newspapers were right: snow was general all over Ireland. It was falling on every part of the dark central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the Bog of Allen and, farther westward, softly falling into the dark mutinous Shannon waves. It was falling, too, upon every part of the lonely churchyard on the hill where Michael Furey lay buried. It lay thickly drifted on the crooked crosses and headstones, on the spears of the little gate, on the barren thorns. His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead.” 

- Joyce, The Dead.

 Isn't that beautiful? So evocative, and romantic? If you haven't read any Joyce, you might recognise from Fr Ted, where they parodied it! Gorgeous.

 Thank all of you who posted under my last post. It means so much to know that there are people out there in the same place as me and offering support. Maybe I do need to blog more, even when I'm feeling good, maybe that will help me stay more on an even keel. It's important to have people around who can understand what it's like being AF and who also understand why you had to make the decision in the first place. Sometimes I think that it's almost easier in society if you're a stereotypical alcoholic, then people understand that you have to stop drinking and why. When you're not such an obvious boozer comments like 'I don't know how you do it' and 'oh you weren't that bad were you?' are common and can be difficult to handle. Lots of times these people had gone home by the time the second bottle got opened or by the time you were crawling up the stairs at 4am.....There's also the misery of what goes on your head the next few days. Horrendous. 

Anway, I'm following Nadia Sawalha and her husband Mark Adderley on youtube on their How are you feeling - A daily diary of living with depression. It is amazing, Mark is a recovering alcoholic who hasn't drink in years, he also suffers from anxiety and depression (no surprises for alot of us boozers there!). He is incredibly open and honest about his life and I can really relate to alot of what he says. His comments before Christmas about how it was a really hard time not to drink with everyone in the pubs and there twinkly lights really helped me through Christmas. Have a look at it, it's great.

So my darlings, bit of a waffle there, not the best written but I wanted to put pen to paper and say hi. 



Monday, 2 January 2017

Dry drunk/Christmas blues?

Hi guys!

Are any of you still here? I know you are! I've just been MIA, thinking I was doing ok on my own. Well, turns out I'm not. I've found the Christmas (my second sober one) difficult. We've been in the UK with my in-laws. Bottles of spirits everywhere, pre dinner drinks, wine with dinner and then port after. And me, with my sparkling water. Being in the in-laws is difficult enough, and mine are a little eccentric and total hoarders but being with them surrounded by so much booze is even harder. There were a few times when all I wanted was a glass of wine. Then we went on a few gorgeous long walks and had lunch in the pub after, all around me people drinking.

It's a weird two sided feeling. I really miss the feeling that a couple of drinks gives me. That twinkly, starry, feel good feeling. But then I know, I understand that I'm not that kind of drinker. That I can't stop at that. I have to keep going until I'm properly, royally pissed. To the detriment of everything and everyone else.

I don't have that 'Oh life is so wonderful now that I've stopped drinking' feeling that other people seem to have. Life goes on, is still a chore and a grind. I feel tired alot, I get cross, I get pissed off. I suffer from anxiety, I worry about the kids, my husband, myself.

Maybe I need to do more work on myself, maybe I need to exercise more (miss running so much and then feeling that gave me (dodgy knee)) I know I need to get up off my arse and move.

Anyway, just wanted to check in, I've been following a few of you lately and am so glad to see you doing well and still sober.

xxxxx Mtts

Thursday, 8 September 2016


So, back to school time for Irish mammy, thank god! A bit of time for myself again. September (as sober mummy writes) is the new new year. A time to make some space for me time, to focus on things that we can do for ourselves, join a class, get moving, meet friends for coffee.

I've been reflecting lately on my drinking days. I'm so glad I'm free from all that worry and guilt. So glad I don't have to worry about getting the kids to school with a hangover or feeling bad if I open a bottle of wine on a school night. Free from all those thoughts about what I'm doing to myself, physically and mentally, and to my kids by continuous boozing. It's so freeing to feel that I don't have to take hangovers into account when I'm arranging to meet people or to do things. I'm free, free, free from all that! I can say yes to anything at any time and know that I won't have to cancel or take a rain check. I think I'm more reliable and a better friend now.

I found parts of the summer tough, especially when we were away in the UK camping. At a certain time of the evening every would be sat outside drinking yum chilled white wine or lovely, crisp lager. That was a bit hard. But I just cracked open the sparkling water and elderflower cordial and that got me over the hump. I'm so glad I didn't have that worry after having a glass, where was the next one going to come from. That prison that forces you to manipulate the day (not to mention the people around you) to shoe horn alcohol into it. I could never just have one. Even still, I don't see the point in it. And that's why I had to stop. I was drinking myself down to the bottom of bad health, mentally and physically.

Yes, I still have my bad, dark, rotten days, hours and minutes. Yes, my mental health issues weren't casued by alcohol but they certainly weren't helped by it. Yes, sometimes I miss it badly. But lately and for the first time in ages I'm profoundly and fundamentally really glad that I no longer drink alcohol.

If you are in that place of worry, of on line 'are you an alcoholic?' quizzes, of regret about what you did or said the night before, of concern about your liver, of trying to moderate, trying and trying and trying but really never getting anywhere - then please give it up. You are too intelligent than to let yourself get in the way of yourself!!


Friday, 22 July 2016

A litte help please!

I can't think what to call this post. I've been a bit down lately. Existential angst I guess. Pissed off with humans and life. Feel a bit 'what's the point in it all anyway?' What's the point when people just let you down (they haven't) and when your kids are just going to grow up and hate you anyway?  This sober me seems a bit antisocial and does less going out at night stuff. Not even to the cinema. This sober me is grumpy and gives out about people. This sober me wonders how people who don't drink or only have 'one' (and 'one' not being one bottle) function or how they can enjoy themselves...

I was running 30/40k a week which was so, so good for me mentally until I fucking did my knee in and now I'm going to physio but it's sore and I'm not doing my exercises as much as I should and I can't run bar a couple of K a week (which I shouldn't be doing at all) I'm also continuing on the vegan diet which is an ethical choice but sometimes can be tough with everything else. I'm feeling a bit old, and dowdy.

Argh, sorry people to be blogging just when I need to off load. You've probably forgotten about me - sob. I love reading your blogs cos it keeps me going and I should be logging into them a bit more. It just always seems that I have other stuff to do. Maybe I need to focus on self care a bit more....Ah, I've just thought of a title for the post!

Check ya laters dudes.


Wednesday, 8 June 2016

Catching up

Hi guys

I'm feeling terrible that I'm so crap about writing here so little! I wish I was one of those people who blogged at least once a week. Maybe though I shouldn't be giving out to myself and just accepting that that's who I am?! Anyway, I love logging in and seeing you're still all here, like a club you can come back to at any time!

I've had a lot of lovely summer stuff happening. We went to Lanzarote for a week awhile back. There is NO way I could have handled that last year without booze. This year, yeah, I missed it now and again but we had such a lovely time that I didn't miss it. I hate flying and did get out of it on zanex but you gotta do etc. The holiday was so relaxing, no fitting the days around booze, no planning on where the next drink would be. Got up and did some runs, swam in the pool and the sea. Was just great. We also just had a camping weekend with a big gang of family and friends. We sat around the campfire at night and I didn't even really notice I wasn't drinking. Amazing! I am definately noticing that I'm more relaxed and at ease with myself and the people around me. Which is win win for everyone!

I'm in the middle or organising a big 'street feast' for our whole estate, about 100 people are coming so that'll keep me busy for the weekend.

I really hope you're all doing well, if not that you're using this fantastic online support community to help and to lean on.

I do think of you all.

lots of love


Friday, 6 May 2016

One year today

Hi guys!

So I'm a year sober (I prefer off the drink myself but sure I'll try it on for size) today! Woo hoo, amazing, I rock etc. I am really pleased. Only problem is my sister and my little niece have been here all week and last night me and my sis had a HUGE row. We have been known to argue alot but last night was a different level. I swear to god it nearly got physical. We are both so reactive to eachother and killed eachother as kids. But we also get on really well too. I had to take a zanax to get to sleep I was so upset. Why can't I hold my tongue and be more tolerant of people and just be nicer?! I'm really questioning what sort of person I am today...

We've sorted things out this morning but it's sort of put a dampener on the day that's in it.

So sorry that I can't be more excited about a year off the booze but other things happen. I suppose that's life and a good example of not drinking even when horrible things get in the way.

So go me (sort of)

Mtts. xxxxx