Day 50
For some reason I feel really nervous about writing this post. Don't know why, I've told it enough times. I suppose the act of actually committing something to black and white makes it more real, more permanent.
So in my younger years (from about 20-24) I did alot of drugs. I dropped out of college, I hung around with people that weren't really my friends, I went clubbing, I got fired from more than one job. I was wild and I was lost and I didn't really like myself very much. I was so insecure and I worried all the time that people didn't like me. I had no self respect. I thought I was worthless and not worthy of the people around me.
So one night we'd been out at a birthday party, taking loads of pills. We stayed up all night (natch) and just as we were starting to come down and get tired and ready for sleep someone suggested to take another pill. Which, of course, we did. So we took it and then napped for a bit till it kicked in. Then someone decided that we should all go into town to an early house. All well and good. So off we took ourselves on a Monday morning, past all the people queuing at bus stops or walking to work off to the pub. I got about halfway down the road when I had an horrendous panic attack/freak out. I was in bits. So one of the lads brought me back to the house we'd been in and I went to bed. But of course I couldn't sleep. So I lay there all day, petrified. Eventually I started to feel a bit better and got myself into town. Where upon I ordered a pint of lager. I will never forget how I felt about halfway down that pint. All my anxiety left, I felt much, much better and I knew I had fallen in love. I couldn't believe that this innocent, innocuous substance could work such magic.
Thus followed a short time more of drug use but loads and loads more drinking.
So there you go. That's the story of the time I fell in love. And I still remember vividly standing in that pub with music playing all around me and that feeling that alcohol had made it all ok.
I hope you all are managing, one way or another, to get through your days and try to find yourselves some peace.
Lots of love.
An emotional Mtts.
xxxxxx
That has made me quite tearful. Very honest and thought provoking. I spent the first 2 weekends AF crying a lot in my kitchen because missing my wine was actually so physically upsetting. I can still only take each day as it comes and not think too much about the past (too many memories like yours) or the future but mostly i am so happy and feel free! Keep your chin up you are doing amazing xxx
ReplyDeleteYou're doing great too! Sounds like you had a tough couple of weekends. I hope things are getting easier for you. xx
DeleteHi Mtts,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story. You are very brave.
I don't remember falling in love with alcohol, if I ever did. But I do know that it has never really agreed with me, even when I was younger.
I have been thinking about my past lately and trying to make peace with myself. It can be very confronting.
Congrats on day 50, that is awesome!
A x
Yeah, there are some things I've done that do make me feel uncomfortable or bad but what can we do? We're here now and that's just fab. x
DeleteMy relationship with alcohol was more like crappy lifelong, on and off relationship: we met in high school and hit it off! Then we cooled down a bit over the years because I knew it just wasn't right for me, and we'd see each other now and again, sometime just talking and sometimes a torrid weekend affair, until finally I decided fuck it! You make me miserable but you are predictable and offer a certain level of comfort so I guess we're just stuck together forever. Bastard! Haha!
ReplyDeleteDay 50, yayay!!
I loved the feeling of bravery. After a couple drinks I could be bold and brash, like I wished I could be otherwise, but was too timid and self conscious to be.
ReplyDeleteFunny, that's gone now. I am confident to just be me. Perhaps part of that is age as well...
Deffo think the older I get the more confident in myself I am. Thank god!
DeleteWow. You just shared something very personal. It takes a lot of courage. At least you know when you fell in love. I don't even remember but I suspect it was around age 17 when I used to get trashed with my friends. Maybe I fell in love later when I was around 23 and drinking almost every day, sometimes during lunch at work.
ReplyDeleteDay 50 is fucking amazing!
Day 57 is even better! xx
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