Hello darlings
Come on in, take off your shoes, here are some nice warm slippers, make yourselves at home...
So I hope you've all had good, sober weekends. It's been a crazy weekend here with rice crispy bun making for a party for ten million six year olds. Which all went off without a hitch. Apart from feeling like a zombie. I'd been running around all day on Friday preparing for said party and then up till midnight making buns and all that jazz. When I finally went to bed I didn't go to sleep until 2AM!! I blame Marian Keyes.
So yesterday I felt tireder than I've ever felt in years! Mind you so did lovely husband, he was in bed at 8.30. Which is disgraceful. I was in bed at 11, woke up at 9.30am, couldn't face the day from tiredness then went back to sleep till nearly 2.20pm! Like wtf? SO tired, not sure what that's all about.
Also having weird drinking dreams. And I'm finding myself clenching my jaw alot. Had a few 'This is ridiculous, why can't I drink? I wasn't that bad' moments. And I know wasn't that bad, compared to 'real' alcoholics but I know that it upset my husband and I know that it only ever ended up in one place. That I could never just have a couple, didn't even want to want to be one of those crazy people who could do that. I mean, what's the point if you're not going to get pissed, right?
Reading said Marian Keyes (amazing, amazing author and lady. Love her) 'This charming man'. One of the characters in it, Marnie, is an out and out alcoholic and it's sort of freaking me out that I can relate to her. Back in the day I did so many dangerous stupid things when I was drinking. I lived in London for 5 years and man, did I go crazy. Remember waking up one morning with bottles of drink (which I had stolen from some random persons house that we ended up in) in my bag and bruises on my arms, as if someone was holding me really tight. Arggh. So many nights when weird stuff happened or I'd wake up the next day not knowing how I got home. In the absolute horrors. The stupid, dangerous situations I'd put myself in.
Sometimes I compare myself to how I was then and I think that I don't really have a problem now. None of that sort of stuff happens to me these days. Why didn't that all escalate? How come I was able to sort myself out then? Does that mean I don't have a problem?
Woo, that was a lot more than I'd planned to write and to put down in black and white.
So my darlings, so good to see you. Don't forget to come again. Please bring more hot chocolate and cake.
Thank you all so much for reading.
xxxMtts.
Hi Mtts,
ReplyDeleteSounds like you had a fun but tiring weekend!
It's funny how you can talk yourself into thinking you aren't that bad, that you aren't a 'real' alcoholic. How you tend to gloss over or forget just how bad it was. If we weren't that bad, we wouldn't be writing sober blogs and reading sober memoirs! I know I feel better when I'm sober and if I go back to drinking I will end up back where I was because I can't just have two glasses either.
I have that book on my shelf. I started reading it a while back but couldn't get into (which is funny because I have most of her books and loved them) I might have to give it another go.
Have a great day.
A x
So true Angie! I know I wasn't that bad in the grand scheme of things but I know it was bad enough to effect the people around me and to effect myself, badly, sometimes. So I guess that's bad enough, in the grand scheme of things!
DeleteWhenever I start trying to convince myself I wasn't that bad, so I could maybe drink again, I must concede that that is how a real alcoholic thinks.
ReplyDeleteA non alcoholic just has a drink and never thinks about it. They definitely don't have to justify it.
Sometimes it's easiest to forgo labels and leave it as sober is easier. Healthier. More peaceful.
Sometimes it's easiest to forgo labels and leave it as sober is easier. Healthier. More peaceful. - Anne, I LOVE this. I'm going to get it tattooed on my forehead!
DeleteI know what you mean about doing crazy things when younger but have we changed that much? The main difference is I drink in the safety of home mostly and that's because of kids and money. If I still went to bars and clubs or mad parties where would I end up after 2 bottles of wine? Heaven knows so I think the circumstances have changed not necessarily the heavy drinking!!
ReplyDeleteThank you ese - for making me see that! It's so true I'd be on the LASH if I was out and about on my own. Up to no good.
DeleteI do that jaw clenching thing too! And get waves of major tiredness. I honestly had no idea that the side effects of years of drinking would persist for so long! I haven't had the dreams yet, but lots of people talk about 'drinking dreams'. I still get smoking dreams 13 years after quitting! You're doing great! Big hugs SM x
ReplyDeleteSeriously, it's 8.30 and I'm in bed. Like what's the point if i'm so wrecked all the time?!!
DeleteAm 30 days AF today and feel emotionally and spiritually good but physically wrecked. Exhausted! Re this charming man - I've read that book about 3 times and reread the 'marnie ' chapters over and over again. Partly to convince myself I wasn't that bad but also just cos of how horrifically her life had spiralled out of control. It really made me cry. Marian keys is a recovering alcoholic. Loving your blog xxx
ReplyDelete