Hello there dear hearts
Day 48 (what the actual fuck?!)
I hope you're all doing well and trying to pick your way through this crazy journey!
The last couple of days have been up and down again. I'm feeling a bit frustrated that I'm not getting the pay off I'd expected from putting down the bottle! People talk about waking up refreshed and clear-headed. I just wake up tired. I feel like I actually felt better about things when I was drinking as all this stuff just never got a chance to come up.
We had a girls night in last Thursday, watched 'This is 40' (funny) ate and drank (well they did). At first I couldn't keep my eyes off the bottles being opened but then I relaxed into it. Couldn't believe when we moved from the kitchen into the sitting room to watch the film that some people FORGOT ABOUT THEIR GLASSES OF WINE!! They left them on the kitchen table. 'Hello people! Are you actually mental? You have wine! You left it in the kitchen! But it's ok now, I brought it in for you!' I mean really. How could you forget about a glass of wine. How is it possible to have such a casual relationship with something that I obsessed about constantly?
As I write I realise that is such a nice thing not to have to worry about anymore. I spent so much of my time doing that. I just watched the Mrs D is going without clip where she goes on telly to talk about her addiction. I could really relate to it. The push/pull of wanting to drink but not wanting to drink. Horrendous.
I still feel that I can't get too excited about the whole no drinking thing though. I think someone described it as being 'underwhelmed'. It's not that I can't see the positives of it but I just thought that I would feel better, less tired, more positive. I think all I am is grumpy and knackered.
We did though watch two films this weekend Birdman (Brilliant) and Burn after reading (also brilliant). I realised that when I was drinking I wouldn't have been able to remember the end of either film and that actually we probably wouldn't have even probably watched two films. Then last night I had a moment of panic where I thought 'I wasted so much of my life on alcohol and I'm 41 now. I've hardly anytime left to do all the stuff I want to do!' WAAAAA! See up and down like a crazy person.
Anyhoo, my dears, keep in country an' shit.
xxxxx
Mtts.
i am feeling totally underwhelmed too!! Seriously out of nowhere. Hoping i can get my mojo back!!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I'll always feel like this. Maybe there's actually something wrong with me! Are you on your hols yet?
DeleteI just have to say, you sound completely normal to me - especially with all the ups and downs. *smile*
ReplyDeleteAnd to the bit about wine-obsession, I loved that you said: '[It] is such a nice thing not to have to worry about anymore. I spent so much of my time doing that.' .... Right? SO much of my life! I have actually started to lie about my age because I am determined to get at least 5 years back from my stupid self for wasting so much of that time away drinking. The best part? People are believing me! Awesome.
Glad I found you! Thank you for your post.*
Thanks HM! Hope you're doing well.
DeleteIsn't it normal to have ups and downs? I think we all go through this. I had plenty of downs in the past few weeks. And I am totally wine-obsessed myself, and I am hoping one day I won't be anymore.
ReplyDeleteGod so am I. I'm now always asking people how much they had to drink or who drank what and were they drunk. OBSESSED much?
DeleteHi Mtts, I feel exactly the same! I am so tired, all the time. I thought I was supposed to be waking up fresh and energised, but no :( that's not happening. But it feels so good not waking up hungover. That's the best bit. I just hope we start to feel better soon! Congrats on day 48, that is so awesome! A x
ReplyDeleteArgh fuck it! I feel hungover most days anyway! We'll keep soldiering on though..
DeleteThe fatigue will pass. It is your body healing. Let it. Embrace taking care of it!
ReplyDeleteI continue to swear by magnesium before bed for good sleep. It fixes everything.
Underwhelmed is ok. Every day can't be a parade. But you have all those possibilities open to you now. At only 41 you have tons of time to do anything you want.
Unless you go back to drinking. Then time just passes us by.
Stick with it. Find your interests. Try new things.
Anne
Anne, you rock. Thank you for always posting. You are a bastion of sense. xx
DeleteAm starting to feel less exhausted during the day and last a bit longer in the evening. Still waken up shattered though...
ReplyDelete