Well my darlings
Yesterday and Monday I was in the horrors. I was horrible, horrible, horrible. I was looking after 7, yes count them, 7 children, who fought and wound me up the whole time. It was probably how I was feeling and not them as they're usually great kids.
I felt angry and cross and mean and awfuck. I had a big row with lovely husband on Monday evening, we made up and then had another small one on Tuesday night.
I was supposed to go to yoga last night (I know, I know, I would have felt much better if I had) but I called down to a close friend who is the font of all emotional knowledge. She works in the mental health sector so is full of calmness and sense. I was telling her that I was feeling awful and asking why was I feeling so bad and stressed. She, very cleverly, pointed out that usually when I'm stressed I drink a bottle of wine. Now I don't do that anymore and I need to put other destressing procedures in place. She also mentioned that there may be stuff coming up that needs to be addressed, so I guess I'll have to have a look at that too. Phooey.
I've realised that I spent most of my time thinking about drinking, being drunk and being hungover. In those states it's easy not to really know what your everyday level emotionally is. (crazy bitch by the looks of the last few days). I've been finding myself up and down on an hourly basis. When I was drinking I had a reason at the end of the week to sit down and stop. When I had hangovers I was on a go slow. Now I don't have any of those constraints but I really need to find a way to stop and relax (like going to the yoga I missed...)
I've started to realise that giving up drink is more about how you deal with things with you stop than the actual putting down of the glass. It's like learning to walk again with a crutch having been taken away. It's scary and wobbly and you've nothing to lean on when you feel most unbalanced. So it's really made me see how at the very, very start of this journey I am and how I need to be kind to myself and those around me.
Of course, I could just be getting the 'painters in'. And it wouldn't be that unlikely as I do go a bit mental the week before that.
On the up side though I had a lovely wander with my son this evening, playing ninjas and he told me all about his lego sensai. We've also booked a night away at a hotel this weekend (with a pool! and a sauna!) for the family and I'm really looking forward to that. Oh and also, I got onto Belle's 100 day sober challenge today so was well chuffed!
Ok dolls, must dash.
Love you all long time. xxMtts
I too have been wrestling with not only how to deal with stress without drinking but trying to figure out how to fill the time that was formerly completely occupied with wine. So I came across an article on Slate.com about a designer who started publishing adult coloring books and I was intrigued. I ordered 2 along with some colored pencils and I have found it very soothing to mindlessly color, just for a while, and let my brain sort itself out. Not that we don't both have literally MILLIONS of things to get done, but sometimes it can be overwhelming to even figure out where to start when you're not holding the "calm-down juice" in your hand.
ReplyDeleteI may have a look at that I've taken to colouring in my son's books before now xx
DeleteI too have been wrestling with not only how to deal with stress without drinking but trying to figure out how to fill the time that was formerly completely occupied with wine. So I came across an article on Slate.com about a designer who started publishing adult coloring books and I was intrigued. I ordered 2 along with some colored pencils and I have found it very soothing to mindlessly color, just for a while, and let my brain sort itself out. Not that we don't both have literally MILLIONS of things to get done, but sometimes it can be overwhelming to even figure out where to start when you're not holding the "calm-down juice" in your hand.
ReplyDeleteThat is so funny Betty! I just got one of those books for my birthday. Of course, I haven't used it yet, along with all jigsaws!
DeleteHi Mtts,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you have had a tough couple of days. You are so right when you say that putting down the glass is just the beginning and it's like having to learn to walk again without a crutch. So true! It's amazing how when you are drinking it is all consuming, whether it be the planning, the drinking, the hangovers. You don't think too much about anything in much depth. Since I started this journey last year I am gradually learning new things about myself. Things that never occurred to me before. Imagine how much more we will learn about ourselves as go further on this journey? (I usually hate that word but I don't care because it's such an apt word for what we are going through)
I hope you feel better soon. I too get cranky before my monthly visitor. I know how it feels!
Take care, A x
Thanks Angie, it's so great to know there are people there that understand. xx
DeleteIt is just the beginning and then the learning never ends.
ReplyDeleteBut those prickly, hard to deal with times get easier. Yes, yoga is a fabulous choice. I do it every day and if I don't have time for a class I just close my door and do a few postures at lunch. Find a yin class. You will learn to find your inner stillness. It is so amazing.
Have you read about PAWS? Seriously, alcohol withdrawal actually lasts a long time. I definitely became crazier and more anxious for the first few months of sobriety. You need to give yourself a break and try not to look after 7 kids. Yikes?
Tommy Rosen had an excellent discussion about his own path of sobriety over 24 years today on the recovery 2.0 conference. As we start to peel back the layers that led us into addiction we find all kinds of stuff. For me, yoga and therapy have helped me start that process in a kind and gentle way.
I'm impressed with your stamina. 7!
Tell you husband you are fragile and might need a bit of a hug. Men like to help if we are direct and ask.
Hi Anne, I have read about that but am still wondering if someone who just drank 2-4 nights a week could suffer from it.
DeleteThanks for your words of advice. xxMtts.
There is a definite pattern with my drinking and periods I've always had bad pmt so what you're saying makes sense. Also ... i have to agree with Anne ... 7 kids!!! I couldn't do that even if I was a tea total!! That's mad!!
ReplyDelete