Hello my darlings
Day 70!!!
Sooo, the last few days I've been weirdly thinking what would happen if I just drank on my holidays, or at my husband's 40th. I know in my logical mind all that would happen it that it would be the gateway back to drinking again but I still can't help it. I mean I was usually pretty well behaved on holiers. I didn't get really pissed or let it impact on the days.
I know this thinking is mad and I've been having dreams in where I'm drinking. I have a few glasses and then I realise what I've done and I start feeling all panicky. When I read sober blogs, alot of them are written by people who drank every night, and some days too! I wasn't like that I only really drank at the weekend and maybe one night a week. I've also read enough to know what I'm thinking is madness and that I can't drink on a one off basis. I know one night of wine is just opening the gate to more and more and more.
I was walking around a really nice touristy seaside town near where I live yesterday and there were people all having pizza and chilled glasses of white wine. Mmmm I miss that. More than occasion drinking. For a few hours after I was a bit gutted and felt left out, I can't do that anymore. I thought how lovely it would be to join in that fun but then I used that brilliant 'play it to the end of the movie' tool. I know I'd have one glass and then try to sly in another one (to get my buzz on) much to my husband's exasperation (can you not just have one glass of wine?). Then I'd spend the rest of the afternoon trying to construct a situation where I could have another one to keep the buzz going 'Let's go for a coffee or an ice cream!! Oooh look! They sell wine here! Sure I might as well have one of those instead. it's such a lovely day!' Who did I think I was fooling like? Even if I wanted a coffee or an icecream, I'd have the wine instead, just so I could keep feeling tipsy. Then there'd be a stop off on the way home for 'bread' or 'toilet paper' or 'a hammer' or some other ridiculous excuse in the name of a bottle of wine. So when I played that situation to the end I felt alot better. I definitely was a slave to alcohol.
But still, I'd really like some of your thoughts on why I can't just drink on my hols, or at the 40th birthday party of my lovely, lovely, normal drinking husband (who is now also on day 70 of the 100 day sober challenge for moral support)
I know in my logical mind why I can't do this but some support from you lovely people would be great.
Lots and lots of love, Mtts. xxx
Hi Mtts, Gee I don't know what i can offer as i drank on my just gone holidays. I wasn't as committed to sobriety though at the time as you seem to be, although i knew at some point this year I would stop drinking for a few years at least. I abstained for 2 long periods between the end of March this year (after an incident say no more) and the holidays. Drinking is having a negative impact on my life so it makes sense to stop.
ReplyDeleteLooking back on the holidays, i hoped it would provide escape from a stressful situation we live in. The daily prosecco/ wine drinking was ok in some ways but mostly I was drinking for no reason at all except that I was. Even when I didn't want it. It was pretty mindless. Not terribly excessive but compulsive all the same, all consuming always and frantic as usual. I suspect your experience will be the same. (maybe not as intense though!)
You have done so well to get this far. Give yourself a chance to see how you like it without wine. The thing is you won't know until you try it. Arm yourself with some 'good' reading material. There is a lot of crap out there. Try the Caroline Knapp book, Recovery 2.0 move beyond addition, Drink by Ann Johnston or Sober is the new Black. Remember the reasons you stopped. Lack of control, fear of your health but just being a slave in general to alcohol and constantly doing something you don;t want to do.
The drink in some ways provided me relief on holidays from the stress of what we are going thru but only heightens my anxiety on the other side so it's all a mess.
It will takes guts and courage to follow through these events without booze but you will be so proud of yourself and I think happier and more peaceful as a result.
XX
Thanks Kats. Great idea to get some sober books. They do keep you focused. I'm going to hit up the library for crappy chicklit stuff too for when I need some light relief! I like the idea of arming myself with courage too, I will be proud of myself. I know I'll feel so much better the next day if I don't drink. Not that I'm even planning too. If I did I'd have to sit on the beach on my own and do it as it would just cause too much trouble with my supportive others if I did!!
DeleteI never drank every day. Only on weekends. And maybe in the day on holidays.
ReplyDeleteBut When I drank I was always consumed by feelings of regret and self loathing. Because I could feel it becoming more compulsive. I knew it was making me a shitty mother and employee. And I was deeply depressed and ignoring that by having fun drinking my weekends away.
So, you could drink and potentially ruin your holidays, birthdays, etc. dull them. Numb them. Forget what happened at them.
Or you could keep you fresh, clear sober perspective and have a real good time, enjoying each day full of possibilities.
Only you can decide how things will turn out for you. It took,e quite a few months of sobriety to realize I love not being dull and slightly dizzy. That I prefer to sleep well and be confident in my sober self.
I have yet to come across a blogger who has returned to drinking without issues. And, in my opinion, having a glass of wine now and then would never do. I would want to get drink occasionally. Not a good sign!
Sober is freedom.
Love it Anne, as usual! I know that I can't return to drink,not without issues returning anyway. Why would I want to go back to that. It's also nice to hear from someone whose drinking pattern matched mine. Yes, there'll be moments that are tough but feeling good and 'fresh' (love that word in this context) the next day will see me through.
DeleteOh and sober is indeed, freedom. And I was definitely a slave.
DeleteI'd focus on what you miss, those times when your thoughts are consumed with the next glass of wine and where it's coming from. For me it was daily, but that obsession meant I missed having fun with my daughter, listening, talking properly to my family, to my mum, my husband. Even if it's 2-3 hours a week it's a lot of lost days over a lifetime. It's a choice, and it's yours to make - I can't tell you what is right for you! But I'm trying to remember that for me, an occasional drink isn't worth the potential losses.
ReplyDeleteThanks Susie. I love being free from that overwhelming urge of having to drink more and more and more and trying to shoehorn alcohol into everything. Thanks for reminding me!
DeleteLike what you said there Susie about missing the time you could spend with you kids cos of the obsession. Even though I was there physically I was spending so much time in my head thinking about wine!
DeleteI did drink every day. Often lunchtimes as well as evenings. But I still convince myself sometimes that I wasn't so bad because I never got horribly drunk. I never blacked out/fell over/vomited. We can all find someone 'worse' than ourselves, but the truth is that once you've met the wine witch you can never put her back in the box.
ReplyDeleteEven one drink gives the witch her power back. The problem with occaisional drinking is that you will end up - yet again - with that nagging voice in your head that won't shut up.
Is it really worth it? Xx
Brilliant SM. I did black out and fall over. But at least I wasn't drinking every night! So I must have been ok, right? ;-) I love that 'once you've met the wine witch, you can never put her back in the box'. So true. That's something that I just have to come to terms with. It's an also weirdly comforting thought, it's almost like - these are the facts, you don't have to do anything except not drink. That's all. I SO don't miss that stupid nagging asshole voice.
DeleteYou must have some good willpower. Once I started drinking, if there wasn't a real reason to stop I usually didn't. I often got drunk/falling down/vomited. In engineering school that was THE GOAL of drinking.
DeleteI like to think now that no one is worse. We are all the same. Some just do it differently. If you keep at it, you could be just like them.
Scary
Hi Mtts,
ReplyDeleteI went on holidays February/March this year and unfortunately I wasn't able to abstain. I was doing Febfast and had every intention of at least finishing that, so it was only 5 days I didn't have to drink. But I couldn't do it. I really wanted to, but the wine witch was too strong. Maybe it was because I only had 23 sober days behind me when we went or maybe I just wasn't strong enough, but whatever it was, I drank on the first night and every night of the two week holiday. I wasn't crazy but it was steady, so it meant hazy/slow mornings, sleeping in and missing half the day, and a deep disappointment in myself. I know now that I could have had just as good a holiday had I not been drinking.
My advice is to really try and not drink. It will be so much better. And you will feel so good about yourself. You don't want to go back to day 1, especially after all your sober days!
A x
Thanks Angie, I am not going to drink. It's just not going to happen! Those hazy/slow mornings are crappy. And the days after I drink I spend the whole day waiting till it's acceptable that I can drink again. Some of my family would have a glass of wine at lunchtime on hols so I would do. While they could leave it then I'd have to have another one and then I'd either drink for the rest of the day or I'd spend the rest of the day waiting to when I could have my next drink. Eugh. Why would I want to go back to that? Missing all that was going on around me....
DeleteThank you all so much guys! I really, really appreciate your replies. You are all so caring and supportive. Thank you again, xxxMtts.
ReplyDeleteDear Shine,
ReplyDeleteI am late to post, but offering support from the US!
It's not how much we drank, but how we were affected by it.
If you felt a compulsion, then there is a problem.
It's just not worth it.
I was a little pouty at a dinner party, because I "couldn't" drink, and everyone else was, except my hubby.
But in the end?
I was the one who had a good time because I could get up sober the next day, and go biking and eat donuts!
xo
Wendy
tipsynomore.blogspot.com
mmmm. Doughnuts..
DeleteQuick reply (incase random wifi cuts out as it has for the whole holiday) from south of france to say am heading home to Edinburgh tom after 2 weeks holiday. I didn't know if I could do it without wine or if I wanted to so decided just to go with the flow. I didn't drink! I had one big wobble about 3 days ago - mostly cos of kids arguing and hubbie being a grump - but I didn't drink! I can't tell you how amazing I feel now but for sure I feel pretty good. In my drinking life i didn't drink every night or during the day except at big family parties, etc and lots at the weekend but I was constantly feeling the pull of alcohol and had just had enough. I had no off button and loved getting drunk but i didnt feel in control. Hope this helps. Good luck xxxxx
ReplyDeleteThat is awesome! It's this hard, shaky situations that your can actually control or anticipate that are the hardest.
DeleteAnd you put yourself first! Lovely.
Well done EH! That's brilliant!
Delete