Well people, I'm struggling a bit. So we had the party on Saturday and by all accounts it was a huge success. Massive thanks from all on being a brilliant hostess and doing a great job. I didn't sit down pretty much for the whole night. I kept myself busy pouring drinks, serving food, doing the wash up. I know I was trying to distract myself from the fact that I wasn't drinking alcohol. It wasn't bad actually and I enjoyed the night. I couldn't move the next day though, parties never used to be that hard work! At one point I was looking at all the wine bottles around me and it felt like it would have been SO nice just to pour a glass and chill out. So I had a cigarette instead (I don't smoke..)
At the moment I'm feeling like I have a big hole instead me that I'm trying to fill, like an itch I can't quite scratch. I try to eat, or drink sparkling water or have a bath but nothing satisfies me. I've ants in my pants. I'm bored, restless....
We have my lovely husbands folks over for the week too. They like a drink, especially his dad. I've actually felt a bit guilty for not drinking with him. I suppose I'm finding it hard having them around and not being able to slip into a glass (bottle) of wine in the evening.
I'm also pissed off that I'm tired so much. I thought when I gave up drinking I'd bounce out of bed every morning, full of energy and joy. Nope. I have to drag myself up every day. How I'm going to manage it when the kids go back to school. I've also put on weight. I'd lost over a stone recently but between our hols and the party and lovely husband's family being here I've being eating way more...
This sucks ass! Do I really have to do every social function without drink? Why? It's so hard! Argh.
I've also noticed, to my shame, that most people don't drink like I did. They have a few glasses and can stop then. Whereas with me it was like a race to the bottom. We had about 30 people in the house on Saturday at the party and not one of them seemed obviously drunk. Being sober is pointing out to me how unhealthy my relationship to alcohol was.
Even though I know I won't drink, I think this week I would actually like to. I'd love to have that bottle and just relax into a drunken haze. I used to love next day drinking the most. The bottle you'd have the day after the night before. I loved that buzz I got.
Anyway, there you all go. My life story for this week!
Hope you're all doing well and trying to deal with life the best you can.
xxxxMtts
Dear MTTS,
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel.
I recently went through the feelings of "all my friends get to drink" and I "can't".
But then, I went out for my wedding anniversary with hubs, and had a super time, dancing and everything.
We don't need alcohol to be fun, have fun. I bet you are a very cool person without drinking!
I understand the lack of energy.
I too, thought Id have all this energy and do so much more.
It never happened for me, either.
I wish you a good week, and just know, you can do this.
And we will have fun!
xo
Wendy
dancing is one thing that since i've stopped drinking I keep wanting to do. I wish some place around us did an early evening club or something, like going clubbing but at 6pm and sober! Not sure I'd ready for it yet but I'd love it! Yes the lack of energy is a pain but think it's related to other issues like low iron etc...
DeleteWrote a big long answer then it just disappeared when I tried to publish. Grrr! Never mind. Gist of it was that I totally get where you're coming from. I miss having a vice and have also been craving cigarettes even though haven't smoked for years. I just feel the need for something! The tiredness has been unbearable at times too. Think I have to maybe start to be kind to me. Do some stuff just for me! Will work out what exactly when I have more energy! ;-) 100 days for me today - my phone beeped a reminder this morning. No pomp and ceremony but did cheer me up. Hang on in there and try to not overthink it all. Big hugs x
ReplyDeletewow EH, that's amazing! look at us go! I would totally celebrate that if I were you. No-one else has to know! It's funny isn't it. I've had 2 cigarettes since I've stopped drinking, while I'm around other people drinking. There's a rebel in me someone saying I have to do something!!
DeleteI'm feeling the same. At first it's all new and novel but then the days settle in and you ask yourself 'is this it, forever?' And forever seems like a long time. You are doing so well though. Hopefully it is just a phase and you will feel better soon. The weight gain is depressing though isn't it?! So unfair :(
ReplyDeleteA x
Thanks Angie, it's really helpful to know that i'm not on my own. Sure we've come this far, we might as well struggle on a bit further!
DeleteJust played your party scenario in my head...yep, I'd be standing next to you in the kitchen refilling. Go ahead and be angry about not having a drink, you can wallow in it for a bit. It's NOT fair, I agree. Just don't drink:)
ReplyDeleteNo way will I. This is just a test!
Deletehi mtts(: i have that same hole off and on...it does suck. sometimes taking a long walk with the dog helps...i hear ireland is a beautiful country. hang in there! oh, i also heard that some people actually started losing weight at month 6 or 9...so there is hope for ya still(:
ReplyDeletejaded
xx
Thanks for your comment Jaded. Yes Ireland is beautiful. I'm off out now for a walk!
DeleteEverything you are going through is normal and will either resolve itself (the itch and the tiredness. Your body is still in recovery, Women for Sobriety says this can take up to two years) or you'll be strong enough to remedy it yourself. (the weight and exercise) You will not always feel this way, I promise. There is a transition period and you are in it, thank goodness that you are transitioning instead of still stuck in servitude to booze. I found early on, that I usually worked myself up anticipating an upcoming event where I couldn't drink, then when the event happened, it wasn't near as bad as I anticipated, In fact, it wasn't hard at all.
ReplyDeleteTime, my friend, all you need is time.
However, be prepared to be stuck with dish duty for the rest of your life since you'll be the only one sober enough to clean up at the end of the night. I've actually gotten to the point of enjoying it. The DH off to bed because of the booze, and me in the quiet of the house, setting things to right, a little smug that the next day I will feel so much better than the other attendees and very self-satisfied.
Words of wisdom as usual! Thank you so much KM. I suppose I feel that because I didn't drink every night that I'm now allowed to find this challanging. But the longer I'm sober the more I see that it is a massive challenge, especially in this society. Alcohol is everywhere. Yes, I hear you about the anticipation, most things, including saturday night, weren't half as bad and almost enjoyable!
DeleteI don't mind doing the tidying, I'd be doing it anyway. It's very satisfying!
I wonder why you are so tired. its strange, i don't think you drank enuf for it to be withdrawal. i drank loads, have not drank in 50 days and am never tired. you should check it out, it sounds hormonal or something. being tired like that sucks i'm sure. Would you have time for more walking when the kids go back to school. Walking reduces stress and gives an energy boost. i have my pedometer back on and walking at least 10,000 steps a day. i find things like that fun.
ReplyDeleteget you re the drinking, its so depressing, i was away in a mobile home with friends at weekend, they drank at dinner then stopped, then had a real slow glass or two later on, that would have drove me mental stopping and starting and i would have been so irritated. also when i resumed i would have drank loads to drown out the annoyance of earlier. So all in all while i think the way i drink it annoying (for me) i am glad i wasn't that night. i was sort of freer. at the same time, i am bit itchy myself. these things comes in waves don't they. Hope you feel better soon. I bet when the in-laws leave you will feel less anxious and more yourself x
Think it's a low iron thing, it's been going on since I had kids and I've been to doc about it. I'm always freaking tired!! I am getting a pedometer and I'm going to walk everyday. I used to be so active and now I'm not. My youngest is starting pre-school next week so for the first time in 6 years I'll have a few hours to myself in the morning!!
DeleteOMG, when you're around others you really do notice how crazy your drinking was don't you?! Once I started, that was it, no way was I taking a break till later!
Yes. This is a time thing.
ReplyDeleteNew habits take time. Healing from years of drinking takes time. It is not so simple as stop drinking and life improves. Once we get the clarity we need we have to start looking at what works for us and what doesn't.
For me, that meant not going to parties with drinkers for a while. And not entertaining at our house. I love my quiet time. I like my house being a safe space.
Perhaps yoga took up a lot of my extra time. And reading. i love knowledge.
Once you see more and more that most people are not drinking to get hammered, and perhaps honestly remember how much drinking was done alone (at least for me in the end) it's clear that the "fun" boozy days are behind me. I enjoyed them while they lasted. I would never say I wish I had never drunk- there were some great times in there. But that part of my life is complete.
Embrace you limitations. Go home when you are tired. Don't do things just because others want you to. Wear comfortable shoes. Be who you want to be.
that is such good advice Anne and really makes you look at it all a different way, that alcohol just no longer works. Thanks. Helped me a lot!
DeleteThanks Anne, yes I think it's time and also going through all those 1st's. I love my house too. I love that there's (usually) no alcohol in it. I love that my husband told me last night he's probably not going to drink at home again. He wasn't bowled over by how drinking felt to him after 100 days of sober. He hardly drinks anyway but it's great to have an ally!
DeleteThe path to sobriety can be a struggle at times. There are a lot of factors around us that might lead us to get a drink. Sometimes, it isn't even in social functions, but the things we see and hear that can trigger that urge. That said, kudos to you for being able to turn away, despite all those glass bottles. That takes a lot of guts and self-control to do.
ReplyDeleteGerard Holland @ SoberLife USA
So true Gerard, it's often not the big things when you feel the craving the most but the things where you drank the most habitually..
Delete