Thank you people!

Well, my gorgeous people. You were right. As usual. You kept saying hang on in there and I'd feel better. And I do! Hurray!

Friday and Satuday day were pretty shite with lovely husband totally knackered from work deadlines and me just in a non drinking grump. Then on Saturday late afternoon we got the chimenea going at the top of the garden, sat in the hammock, lit some candles and fairy lights and I had a 'ahhh, this is what sober livin' is about!' It was AMAZING, the kids and ourselves just hung out and drank hot chocolate and had the chats. Then the next day we had a sweet walk with our neighbours and their kids and lit the fire again when we got back. Thank goodness I found a way out of that slump!

In other exciting news the bank has finally decided that we are trustworthy enough to give some money for a house too. Yes people, at 41 I'm finally looking to buy a home. Well, a house.. with some land.. to be developed into a campsite.(you're all coming when it's ready) So it's all very exciting and scary and daunting. But one thing being sober has taught me is that you have to just go for what you want. No wasting time, no sitting around waiting for stuff to happen, you have to get up off your arse and make it happen. So that's what we're going to try and do...

So if you're out there and feeling that this sobriety bidness isn't for you, or that it's just too much hard work or that maybe you were wrong and you're grand really - just keep going, give it one more hour, day, week, month. Just give yourself the time to grow into it and to explore what all of this means without a glass of wine or pint of beer or G&T in you. You'll have no idea what you're meant to do in this life if you're pissed most of the time.

Keep it country people.

xxMtts

That place inbetween

So Fridays. They can be hard. Although I am looking forward to my sparkling water treat for tonight I can't help but feel that's a bit, well, sad really. Woo! It's Friday! Break open the fizzy water!! I'm so afraid I'm turning into a dry drunk. That somewhere along the way I've lost the buzz of being sober and now it's just something to be endured.

All that said, I'm not drinking. And I'm glad I'm not drinking. God, it's just complicated, how you can feel when you're sober. You can feel both negative and positive at the exact same time.

I just wish I still felt that 'Yeah!! I'm sober, I'm Kaleesa (I don't know who that is but see sobermummy's post on it), I'm part of a revolution, sisters are doing it for themselves etc etc' I want my sober mojo back!

It's a lovely relaxed Friday here, really sunny and a nice feeling of bonhomoie is prevailing. Just the time to open a nice bottle of white. But even just saying that reminds me of the feeling I got nearly immediately after that first drink. Kids would start annoying me, nothing else would get done for the day, no chance of a walk outside or a bike ride. Just drink. And it would keep going and I'd keep drinking and then eating crap and finally sinking into a black hole...Mmm. Maybe the fizzy water is starting to sound like the better option after all!

Have a good one my darlings.

xxxxMtts. xx

Meh.

One of my favourite of Roy's in the IT's t-shirts had Meh. printed on it. I think that's summing up pretty much how I'm feeling lately.

It's been 140 days sober now for me. I know that's a long time for me. The longest ever. But it also seems like such a tiny, tiny drop in the massive ocean. I know I have to start somewhere and every journey starts with the first step blah blah. But what's the point like?! I mean I know in my head that being sober is the best thing for me but sometimes that's not how I feel. Does that make any sense? I just feel sort of well, meh really. I miss it but I don't miss it too. I miss group gatherings being just easier with a drink in hand. I miss having a lovely girls drink in the afternoon. I miss getting dressed up and going out. Of course I don't miss the hangovers, the guilt, the worry and the fear and the lack of control. It's funny though, how easy with a bit of time, it can be to dismiss the negative stuff.

It feels sort of like the novelty has worn off. It's not that I want to drink again. I just want to do all those kind of things without it and enjoy it as much as I did with a drink. To be honest, nighttime socialising now is something I really don't want to do. That party I went to last weekend showed that to me. It was so boring and I felt horrible. I'm so much more into meeting friends during the daytime now.

I'm sorry, I don't feel like I'm explaining myself very well. This is just a stream of conciousness. Getting my period 3 times in 50 days I'm sure doesn't help (tmi I know). And mouth ulcers. And the tiredness. I'm probably dying or something. Give up drink = become a walking illness.

Ok people, rant over. Feeling sorry for myself today.

Oh, also, something who's sober nearly a year told me to make sure to congratulate myself alot. I think i've forgotten to do that. So well done me...

xxMtts

A tough weekend

Hello my lovlies

I hope you're all getting by and doing what you can to fight the good fight.

So this weekend was a bit of a tough one. We went to a 40th birthday party where I ended sitting with people I didn't know while my husband played music with his band. I didn't mind him doing that and he loves playing but I was pretty much a lemon on my own. I was trying to look like I was enjoying myself but I really just wanted to get home. I'd had a mad week and I had to be up early the next day so maybe I was tired and a bit distracted but it pretty much sucked to be there sober I have to say.

The next day was better, myself and my friend were organising a charity cake sale fundraiser at our local farmer's market. It was really successful and we raised nearly 2k for our charity. Had a great day but was SO wrecked by the end of it. Normally after something like that we would definitely be having a few drinks. I really miss that. Even my compadre was saying she misses having a drink with me. I love that wind down, I've done a good job, I deserve this drink. Obviously I know where it all leads but I have been feeling 'Really? Forever? As in never again?' lately. I love food and I love wine. And I miss it.

BUT, I know where it goes, I know my friend on the stall would have shared a bottle with me and then had some tea or whatever but I'd have had another one, and another. I know alcohol is bad for me. I remember how it was making me feel and the road that I was going down was getting darker and darker. So I have to keep all of this in my mind when I'm feeling sorry for myself. Someone told me today that I have to remember to congratulate myself. And I have forgotten to do that. And I must not. This is a massive change of direction for my life and go me for making it.

Cheerio then people

xxxMtts/

I don't need alcohol!

Hello darlings

So this Saturday night while lying on the couch eating popcorn and chocolate and sippin' on my fizzy water watching Andrew Marr I had the epiphany that I actually don't need wine. Like as in it is possible for me to live my life without it. Something that, let me tell you, 4 months ago seemed incredible and impossible. Not to mention something that I would have never wanted to feel. I never wanted to feel that I didn't want to drink. How does that make sense? I've realised that drinking wine would not make a night in or out any better. It's kind of unecessary. Also now I can actually remember what I've watched the next day. There are so many films and shows that I can't recall the end of cos I was pissed....and then i'd have to say to lovely husband 'Remind me again, what happened at the end of that show?' Sigh.

Then on Sunday when we were out picking blackberries (with a million children in tow) I realised that thank god, I don't have those 'will I drink tonight? I shouldn't but fuck it, it's sunday, we've been out blackberry picking, I mean you'd have to have a glass (bottle) of wine...but I really shouldn't, god I'm such a lush. Yeah but like, it's Sunday? And I mean you have to drink after blackberry picking? Oh god, I wish this chatter would STOP!'

That internal dialogue was so horrendous and incessant and constant. I am SO glad it's not there anymore. It's mad how much space in my head is now freed up without all that going on. As I've said before, the further I get from my drinking days the more things become clearer to me. I don't get night sweats anymore, no pains in my liver, no freaking out that I'm going to die of liver disease, no worrying the message I'm giving my kids etc etc etc.

I'm telling you people, stick at it, it gets easier and the benefits become more and more apparent.

xxxxMtts

 

Normal service has resumed. For now!

Hello all you lovely, gorgeous people,

So, the visitors have gone home, the house has been cleaned, I can watch crappy tv again but best of all there's no wine in the house and no-one is drinking. Woo!

Hmm, writing that feels very strange. Like a different person! Why would I, of all people, not want wine in the house? Ah yes, that would be because I don't drink alcohol. I'm sober, a tee totaller, a pioneer...That is SO weird. I'm 120 days sober today, which is 4 months. Which sounds so little but also the longest ever I've been without alcohol. So yay me.

I hadn't realised how precious my private space has become since I've given up booze. It's my very own prohibition bar, complete with lots of tea and some (ahem) biscuits. No beer (unless you count the frankly undrinkable batch of home brew in the attic), no wine, no spirits. Nothing. It's a real relief, it was very challenging being faced with bottles of vino tinto and bianco every night. Also I've now become a rather uncertain hostess - how much wine do other people drink? How often should I offer around wine? Should I take people at face value when they say no thanks or do I do a Mrs Doyle on it? Sometimes I feel like I'm living through other people when I'm pouring their wine.

One really positive thing I've noticed is that I've become way more patient with the kids. On Saturday night last I ate my dinner with a child on each knee after huge meltdowns due to a very late dinner. Before, I would have lost it that the dinner was so late and deffo been at least a half a bottle of wine down at the eating stage. There's no way I would have wanted two kids on top of me. Lately I seem to have more time to allow them to be themselves, even if they're annoying me. I don't lose the head as much, I have more inner patience and I'm really enjoying that.

So my darlings, I hope you're all doing what you can and trying to be kind to yourselves. I know that is really hard for most of us.

xxxMtts.