Hello darlings
So this Saturday night while lying on the couch eating popcorn and chocolate and sippin' on my fizzy water watching Andrew Marr I had the epiphany that I actually don't need wine. Like as in it is possible for me to live my life without it. Something that, let me tell you, 4 months ago seemed incredible and impossible. Not to mention something that I would have never wanted to feel. I never wanted to feel that I didn't want to drink. How does that make sense? I've realised that drinking wine would not make a night in or out any better. It's kind of unecessary. Also now I can actually remember what I've watched the next day. There are so many films and shows that I can't recall the end of cos I was pissed....and then i'd have to say to lovely husband 'Remind me again, what happened at the end of that show?' Sigh.
Then on Sunday when we were out picking blackberries (with a million children in tow) I realised that thank god, I don't have those 'will I drink tonight? I shouldn't but fuck it, it's sunday, we've been out blackberry picking, I mean you'd have to have a glass (bottle) of wine...but I really shouldn't, god I'm such a lush. Yeah but like, it's Sunday? And I mean you have to drink after blackberry picking? Oh god, I wish this chatter would STOP!'
That internal dialogue was so horrendous and incessant and constant. I am SO glad it's not there anymore. It's mad how much space in my head is now freed up without all that going on. As I've said before, the further I get from my drinking days the more things become clearer to me. I don't get night sweats anymore, no pains in my liver, no freaking out that I'm going to die of liver disease, no worrying the message I'm giving my kids etc etc etc.
I'm telling you people, stick at it, it gets easier and the benefits become more and more apparent.
xxxxMtts
Yes. I feel the same.
ReplyDeleteI often drank because I though I was bored (or that was my incessant chatter rational).
Funny. There's so much to do. And, if in doubt, a nap always feels nice.
I was never bored. I was in a stupor.
Weird!! I felt like that too, I'd feel bored so I'd drink. But now I don't ever get bored. What is that about? Why would I have felt bored? One to think about...
Deletei agree - it's actually been easier for me to stop altogether than moderate. it just stops the constant inner negotiations! i used to be terrified that something would happen - mostly some horrible alcohol-related illness - that would mean i couldn't ever drink again. it really terrified me and it was what really upset me in the early few days/weeks of being af. i couldn't even look at my favourite wine glasses without crying!!! seems so long ago and so silly now! it is also what keeps me af as i don't want to go back to those early days again! keep smilin' xxx
ReplyDeleteEven worse, I told myself that I'd stop drinking when a doctor told me it was affecting my health. I was willing to let it go that far and do that much damage to my body before I stopped. That waved a massive red flag....
Deleteyes absolutely the best thing re not drinking is the freedom from all the decision making, the will I/ won't malarkey re a bottle of wine! You seem to be in a really good place, that's awesome! Not quite there myself, (think its because I am going to spain next week for 4 nights) but i' sure i will figure it out : )
ReplyDeleteOf course you will! Think of all the yummy food you can eat, and the lounging around reading books and just chilling...
Deletei have 3 small kids!! No lounging/ relaxing/ reading here!!! : )
DeleteAh, that second paragraph, such happy memories-NOT! Isn't it funny that all those years of listening to the voice that told us we were making too big a deal out our drinking, we weren't THAT bad, the clamor just kept going. But once we listen to the quiet, insistent voice that tells us to quit, it goes quiet. And calm. Room is made to think of better things.
ReplyDeleteSo happy for you, also so true.
ReplyDeleteIt does get easier, and I drank because teaching was hard, it was the weekend, I was bored, I was overworked, I was going out, I was depressed …well you get my drift!
All that energy wasted.
Of course, I am still figuring out what to do with my new energy, but I choose to have faith!
xo
Wendy
I'm finding that lots of things are just presenting themselves to me. Or maybe it's that I'm more available to things. I don't have to think 'hmm, will I be too hungover to do that on that day' or 'that's a sunday morning! no way am I committing to that'! I just do everything that I'm asked to now!
DeleteThis! So happy for you. And a tiny bit jealous. I am so far away from this mental state.
ReplyDeleteIf you see my new post, you'll see that it's very much up and down!
DeleteI'm feeling crappy after a night of too much drink. Thanks for the encouragement.,
ReplyDeleteThanks KB, I'm glad you find my posts encouraging!
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