Christmas cheer

Hello all my lovlies

I hope you're all managing to muddle your ways through the start of the festive, party season...

I'm up and down at the moment. Currently, at this second (yes, it's up and down that quickly!) I'm feeling good. Excited for all the yummy food we'll be eating next friday, looking forward to making some virgin cocktails and buying some fancy drinks from Marks & Spencer. My lovely husband has been out a bit lately (overrated he tells me) and I was catering for a supper club recently where all the girls attending headed off into town afterwards. It's those times that I feel a bit, well, sad really. For that idealistic night out, bonding with friends, having the craic, seeing who's who and what's what. I miss getting really dressed up with a glass of wine in hand, listening to music, full of anticipation.

BUT then, I remember, I remember nights out were never, ever, ever like that. Well, it was, but only for about an hour or two. It was mostly blackouts, regrets the next day, worry about what I said, what I did and how much money I'd spent. How I got home and did I lose anything.

At the moment what I'm really tackling is the past. And regrets. What would I have done if I hadn't been either 1) Going off the rails on drugs in my early 20's or 2) Drinking - alot and dangerously in my 20's and early 30's and then just pretty much 3/4 nights a week after that. Would I have been a doctor (eh, no)or a nurse or a journalist or a social worker or a pilot or what?? Still I know that a career isn't something that often makes people happy, but I'd have liked to have tried!!
I also spend alot of last night worrying about the friends I left behind because of these things. Would I still be mates with my schoolpals if I hadn't discovered the joys of recreational drugs? Would I have been able to form more meaningful relationships (and hold on to them) if I was more grounded and a bit less drunk??

I know really there's no point thinking like this but I sort of feel it's part of a process. A journey somewhere. In fact I'm actually super lucky that I am where I am, with a brilliant family, amazing friends, enough money to get by and a dog and a cat. I know that's what Christmas is really and truly all about. And maybe it's time for me to be more thankful for that!!!!

Mind yourselves my dears. xxxx

My time to shine.