Coffee and red velvet cupcakes on the green

Hello my dearieyeos

I hope you are all doing well and trying to give yourselves some self car.

I had a lovely day today. I'm deffo noticing an improvement in my mood and my energy levels. We had a picnic out on the green by my house for a friend's birthday. We had coffee and red velvet cupcakes (oohhh YUM) and a really good chat and laugh.

We got talking about my giving up drinking (I've been upfront with my close family and friends about it). One of the girls (who I used to go 'running' with) was sort of saying 'Well sure, you've nearly done 60 days now, that's great, you can start drinking again'!!!!! Argh. The what now?? I told her it wasn't the not drinking that was a problem it was the moderation that I can't do. I really, really can't. She said 'Like, could you go to a pub and have two drinks and then stop?'
Pfffff, no. Of course I can't. That's just for starters. I would feel itchy and pissed off and angry if I had to drink that and then stop. Nightmare. (Funnily enough she was saying that she thinks that she has a serious sugar addiction, that if someone told her she could never have sugar again she'd have to go to a sugar addiction meeting. That the thought of giving it up terrified her. Sound familiar? The thought of giving up drink used to send me into a spiral of panic and fear...)

Like I've said before, I actually don't even mind not being able to be a normal drinker. I've no interest in two glasses of wine. For me, it's all or nothing. I tried moderation for years. I tried writing down how much I was going to have when I drank. I tried only buying a certain amount of alcohol. I tried pouring half a bottle of wine into a measuring jug and only having that. I tried only going out with a certain amount of money. I tried having my husband give me a hard time if I drink. I tried it all and sometimes it worked for awhile but it always went back to the point of me drinking to get pissed and blacking out alot of the time.

I'm really glad I blogged today as I was having some wolfie thoughts about how much of a problem I have. Not in anyway thinking that I'd drink but just some random thoughts about it floating around. Especially when people's reaction to my news about giving up is, in some cases, 'you're not that bad, are you, you don't need to totally give up?!'
But I guess that alcohol can be that insidious, it's not always up in your face and sitting on a park bench with a two litre. Sometimes it's a mother of two, who drives a mammy wagon and cooks dinner every night.

The last few months of my drinking I felt invisible and old and that that was how I was going to feel till I died. I had no idea that how I felt had anything to do with alcohol but it turns out it did! I feel like there's a whole new path stretching out in front of me with so many opportunities for me to take! (disclaimer: may feel opposite tomorrow and moan about crappy stuff)

Sorry if that blog was a ramble of lots of different things just spewed out onto the page but out it had to come!

Anyway my darlings, mind yourselves and remember to apply plenty of sunscreen!

xxxMtts.