Reflection

So, back to school time for Irish mammy, thank god! A bit of time for myself again. September (as sober mummy writes) is the new new year. A time to make some space for me time, to focus on things that we can do for ourselves, join a class, get moving, meet friends for coffee.

I've been reflecting lately on my drinking days. I'm so glad I'm free from all that worry and guilt. So glad I don't have to worry about getting the kids to school with a hangover or feeling bad if I open a bottle of wine on a school night. Free from all those thoughts about what I'm doing to myself, physically and mentally, and to my kids by continuous boozing. It's so freeing to feel that I don't have to take hangovers into account when I'm arranging to meet people or to do things. I'm free, free, free from all that! I can say yes to anything at any time and know that I won't have to cancel or take a rain check. I think I'm more reliable and a better friend now.

I found parts of the summer tough, especially when we were away in the UK camping. At a certain time of the evening every would be sat outside drinking yum chilled white wine or lovely, crisp lager. That was a bit hard. But I just cracked open the sparkling water and elderflower cordial and that got me over the hump. I'm so glad I didn't have that worry after having a glass, where was the next one going to come from. That prison that forces you to manipulate the day (not to mention the people around you) to shoe horn alcohol into it. I could never just have one. Even still, I don't see the point in it. And that's why I had to stop. I was drinking myself down to the bottom of bad health, mentally and physically.

Yes, I still have my bad, dark, rotten days, hours and minutes. Yes, my mental health issues weren't casued by alcohol but they certainly weren't helped by it. Yes, sometimes I miss it badly. But lately and for the first time in ages I'm profoundly and fundamentally really glad that I no longer drink alcohol.

If you are in that place of worry, of on line 'are you an alcoholic?' quizzes, of regret about what you did or said the night before, of concern about your liver, of trying to moderate, trying and trying and trying but really never getting anywhere - then please give it up. You are too intelligent than to let yourself get in the way of yourself!!

xxMtts

A litte help please!

I can't think what to call this post. I've been a bit down lately. Existential angst I guess. Pissed off with humans and life. Feel a bit 'what's the point in it all anyway?' What's the point when people just let you down (they haven't) and when your kids are just going to grow up and hate you anyway?  This sober me seems a bit antisocial and does less going out at night stuff. Not even to the cinema. This sober me is grumpy and gives out about people. This sober me wonders how people who don't drink or only have 'one' (and 'one' not being one bottle) function or how they can enjoy themselves...

I was running 30/40k a week which was so, so good for me mentally until I fucking did my knee in and now I'm going to physio but it's sore and I'm not doing my exercises as much as I should and I can't run bar a couple of K a week (which I shouldn't be doing at all) I'm also continuing on the vegan diet which is an ethical choice but sometimes can be tough with everything else. I'm feeling a bit old, and dowdy.

Argh, sorry people to be blogging just when I need to off load. You've probably forgotten about me - sob. I love reading your blogs cos it keeps me going and I should be logging into them a bit more. It just always seems that I have other stuff to do. Maybe I need to focus on self care a bit more....Ah, I've just thought of a title for the post!

Check ya laters dudes.

xxMtts

Catching up

Hi guys

I'm feeling terrible that I'm so crap about writing here so little! I wish I was one of those people who blogged at least once a week. Maybe though I shouldn't be giving out to myself and just accepting that that's who I am?! Anyway, I love logging in and seeing you're still all here, like a club you can come back to at any time!

I've had a lot of lovely summer stuff happening. We went to Lanzarote for a week awhile back. There is NO way I could have handled that last year without booze. This year, yeah, I missed it now and again but we had such a lovely time that I didn't miss it. I hate flying and did get out of it on zanex but you gotta do etc. The holiday was so relaxing, no fitting the days around booze, no planning on where the next drink would be. Got up and did some runs, swam in the pool and the sea. Was just great. We also just had a camping weekend with a big gang of family and friends. We sat around the campfire at night and I didn't even really notice I wasn't drinking. Amazing! I am definately noticing that I'm more relaxed and at ease with myself and the people around me. Which is win win for everyone!

I'm in the middle or organising a big 'street feast' for our whole estate, about 100 people are coming so that'll keep me busy for the weekend.

I really hope you're all doing well, if not that you're using this fantastic online support community to help and to lean on.

I do think of you all.

lots of love

xxxMtts

One year today

Hi guys!

So I'm a year sober (I prefer off the drink myself but sure I'll try it on for size) today! Woo hoo, amazing, I rock etc. I am really pleased. Only problem is my sister and my little niece have been here all week and last night me and my sis had a HUGE row. We have been known to argue alot but last night was a different level. I swear to god it nearly got physical. We are both so reactive to eachother and killed eachother as kids. But we also get on really well too. I had to take a zanax to get to sleep I was so upset. Why can't I hold my tongue and be more tolerant of people and just be nicer?! I'm really questioning what sort of person I am today...

We've sorted things out this morning but it's sort of put a dampener on the day that's in it.

So sorry that I can't be more excited about a year off the booze but other things happen. I suppose that's life and a good example of not drinking even when horrible things get in the way.

So go me (sort of)

Mtts. xxxxx

Meh (part the second)

Ah lads

I've just spent the last weekend at a wedding and at the BBQ the next day too. Then we've a week in Lanzarote. And everyone is drinking and having fun. And I miss it. I really do. I missed having a few drinks and having the chats the day after the wedding, I'm going to miss having a few drinks before we fly (and while we fly and when we land....) and when we're there.

I really, really miss just being able to sit down with people for longer than an hour (that's as long as my patience lasts with fizzy water) and just chatting. I mean I know that the truth isn't that but I'm finding it really hard to socialise and do all those sort of normal things without alcohol.

 A friend of mine is flying to Portugal today and I'm so jealous that right about now she's up at the airport with her husband having a few drinks.

I'm feeling sad and sort of despairing for the summer to be honest. How come, with nearly a year under my belt I'm feeling like this now???

xxxxMtts

Nose ring

Hi all

People - I have a nose ring. It's official - I'm having a mid life crisis. A tattoo is next. I love sober!!

I feel awful for not blogging more (sigh, again.) I suppose I've felt a bit like I didn't want to talk about how I was feeling for awhile there. I was a bit up and down and sad that I don't drink anymore. I know I've gone through it before so I was just waiting for it to pass. I was also feeling a bit cross. Eventually I went to the doctor and she's upped my happy pills a little. Weirdly I've started feeling a bit better, even though I'm only on the higher dose a few days now!

I had a brilliant chat yesterday with a guy I'd emailed a few times about abstaining. He's a DJ on one of our national stations and he's made a few sober podcasts about his year of not drinking. He was sick of how hangovers made him feel and wanted to give it a break. In tandem he did The booze chronicles. They won some sort of award in the US. Google them! So anyway he was in town yesterday doing a live show and I decided to call down to see him. I would NEVER do this normally but he'd been a great support and I wanted to thank him. So we got chatting for a bit and then he asked if he could interview me for his next podcast!! ME!! BEING INTERVIEWED ABOUT BEING SOBER!!! Hilarious. It was so brilliant to meet a real live person who was also sort of in the same boat as me. I think in society we either are 1. full blown AA attending folk or 2. Drinkers. There's no-one in the middle, no-one stuggling quietly away, gettting their shit done but slowly dying inside, suffer mentally and physically. My husband now wants me to start a support group hilariously called The In-betweeners. So I'm not sure when it'll come out, even if it will come out but I'll let you know. It was a real boost to remember that there are other people out there that are like me. At this stage though I would really love to meet some of them. So who wants to come to Cork for coffee?!! You know you want to. Wouldn't it be amazing?? I'm hoping to be in London at the end of August, would anyone but up for meeting??

Anyway, on the 3rd May I'm a year sober. I can't quiet believe it, and I have a long list of 'presents' that I'm expressly asking for. Unfortunately a trip to Jamaica will have to wait though!

Lots of love my darlings. xxxxx

Paddy's day and a hen night...

So last week brought two new sober experiences. Paddy's day, which would normally start off in my friend's house with a hot whiskey before the parade and a hen party, which would have been carnage (for me anyway, turns out that since I've stopped drinking I've noticed how little those around me seem to imbibe..)

So paddy's day was fine, really lovely. I had a few moments when I thought 'mmm I'd really like a glass of red now' The pubs were spilling out onto the paths and everyone seemed in great form (granted that was at about 3pm..a few hours later would have been a very different story I'm sure!) Friends invited us down to the hotel we usually go to after the parade. I said we'd go but then it dawned on me that I don't actually have to do that to myself. I can choose to stay out of the pub on Patrick's day. It's not mandatory!

Hen party was a bit more challenging. Let's just say I'm not the best person in the world to go to a hen night sober. It was a sedate affair - dinner out and then a comedy gig. I did notice that the drinking wasn't as crazy as it might have been had I been on the lash with them. Some people weren't even drinking! Making small talk with strangers is not my forte. I'm well able for it but find it totally exhausting. And boring. I fear I'm a bit of a grumpy old lady and sometimes people just aren't my favourite. They just aren't! I put on a good show but was ready to leave by 11. Still it was my first sober night out so I can allow myself some room for adjustment!

I hope you're all doing well, sober mummy back from her Jamaican holiday - I've started dropping hints already!!

Lots of love to you all

xxxMtts

Spring - new beginnings.

Hi guys

Just a short post today.

 Things are going well for me at the moment. Had a little wobble yesterday. The weather is getting nice and mild and feeling spring like. I was in town and walked past a pub which has an outdoor drinking area and people were sipping away on their beers. Mmmm I thought, that looks really nice. Ffs, I don't even really like beer. Then last night it struck me that the only people who were drinking were women who looked about 70 and totally haggard and wrecked!! I mean, how did I not see that at the time?! Plus it was about 1pm on a Thursday afternoon! Just goes to show that the romantic vision I have around booze is still there. Nice weather, sitting outside, getting pissed. Where does that come from in our society? What's that all about?

In other news my mum, dad and sister have all commented on how I've changed since becoming sober, I'm nicer, more patient, less snappy. Gulp. What was I like?! But I know I am. I just can't believe that I don't drink anymore. I really was my life. I just didn't know how much of it. I never, ever thought that I would be that person who didn't booze it up. My life has changed. So, so much.I really hope that my story can help even just one person if they're having a bad day. It's so worth it. No, scratch that, YOU'RE so worth it.

Lots of love and happy vibes my darlings.

xxxxxMtts

Missing wine

Hello all

Hope you're all doing well and doing what you need to do to be happy!

I've been having some cravings lately. Some 'I really miss wine and grown up conversation and getting dressed up to go out (this rarely happened, as I always usually drank at home. But still....) I was with my friend today and she was saying that we'd have to go out for our usual Mother's day lunch together. This always involved a bottle of prosecco and then more drinks when we got home. I really miss that. Luckily, I have so much to talk to her about it'll be fine. But I do miss that, calling down to mates with a bottle of wine and having the chats, meeting for a glass (2 bottles) out in the pub the odd time. Yes, I know most of these nights ended up with me not remembering what happened and feeling awful the next day. But still, I miss the anticipation and the release.

I'm not saying that I want to drink again I'm just saying that I'm struggling a little bit at the moment! Maybe with the whole vegan thing I'm missing my coffee treat in m&s, I loved that treat. I'm drinking black coffee now cos soy milk sucks ass big time so it's not the same!

The irony is if I was still drinking now I wouldn't be running 5k four times a week, or being vegan, or being sober!! I'd be stuck in that horrendous rut. I read Mrs D's blog today about how when we're sober we can really notice our ebbs and flows and ups and down and they are not influence by any drug. That she sits with the feelings, knowing that they'll pass. That being sober is great as it allows more grounding, more reflective.

So I shall ignore the impulse to fuck it all off, drink a bottle of wine and go party and I will continue on this journey that is leading me to lots of surprises and truths!

xxxMtts

Shaking it up

Hello all

I feel bad for not having posted in ages but I've been sick and also I've been working through another decision I've made involving what I put in my body. After years and years of being a vegetarian I've decided to embark on a flirtation with the vegan world. So here I am a non-drinking, vegan, runner. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME??!!! How did this come about? I'm not a hemp eating, tie dye wearing staunch animal rights activist!! Who in this fresh hell is this new, unknown being emerging from it's crysalis?

When I talk to my close friends about my decision I feel like quantifying with 'but I'm not really like that' I suppose I have an idea in my mind of what vegans are like and I'm not it. I mean, I have a sense of humour, I like clothes, makeup, I get waxed for jaysus's sake....so I suppose I'm trying to see where I fit in in this new lifestyle. I've been thinking about it alot and I've been watching some videos on you tube about animal fare and I just can't be part of that industry anymore. I also feel great (apart from having a serious cold/lurgy type thing for the last week) I'm running 3/4 times a week and my mood is optimistic and positive.

Giving up animal products really reminds me of how I felt when I gave up booze. 'Awww I can never have wine/malteasers/brie/butter/cider again. That makes me sad' to 'Yes! I can do this, I feel great and I know this is good for me' to 'This is TOO HARD, I can't do it!' I know that it takes a few months to get into any big change in life and that I just need to give it time.

I'm still revelling in a new depth I've found in myself and my relationships. I love those deep, meaningful. all about life conversations that make you feel much closer to those you've had them with. I love that I'm growing into myself and figuring out (maybe 20 years too late!!) when I am and what I'm supposed to do.

So people that's it. I hope you're all keeping on keepin on...I'm off to make a gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, meat free, taste free pancake for myself. Yum ;-)


xxxxxMtts

Who am I?

Hello guys

So it's a bit weird for  me at the moment. In a good way, I think! I feel like I'm getting to know myself for the first time. Which is exciting and also a bit unsettling. Who knew that I'm actually more of a hippy (on the inside only people, no tie dye or dreadlocks for me thanks (well except when I was 20 for a year, less said the better...)) than I thought.

 It's becoming more and more apparent to me that I value the time I spend with my family is the most important thing in my life. I'm beginning to appreciate less materialistic things and yearning for more nature in my life. (The fact that I seem to spend alot of my time wandering around shops and sitting in coffee shop belies that but hey, I'm trying to work it out!).

I'm thinking alot about the constructs of society and people having to work in offices sitting in front of screens all day just to earn a buck. I'm thinking is there another way, another way to make your life matter and to do what you love? For me that's where the idea of starting up a campsite or something like that keeps coming into my thoughts. Lovely husband is having a hard time in work and is really suffering for it, there's nothing more he'd love to have a job out in nature but it's hard to find a job like that that supports 4 people. Or is it? Do we need to turn things on there heads and look at what we really need vs what we think we need??

I don't know, I'm on unchartered territory here, this is all new to me. I've never had so much space in my head before. It's no longer consumed with alcohol. I don't know where my life is taking me but it seems to be in a new direction. It's a bit scary but it's so exciting too! If anyone is reading this and is terrified of giving up alcohol, please do give yourself a chance to discovery this whole new world of freedom and excitement and of getting to know yourself! I can't stress strongly enough what not drinking does to your life, I'm a better mum, wife, friend, sister. I'm better to myself, I'm looking after myself better.

 The only thing is you have to give it time. You have to allow yourself get far enough away from alcohol to see the reality of what life is like without it. Once you get that far you will never want to go back.


xxxxxMtts.

Sober joy!

For so many years the thought of giving up drinking would (literally) bring me out in a cold sweat. I was prepared to change or do anything else in my life but quitting wine was not one of them. I thought about it ALOT, I knew it was bad for me. I always felt my life would be easier without wine. But I was never, ever brave enough to make the leap.

Then one day eight months ago I woke up with a hangover. My husband had been away the night before and I'd taken the kids down to a local restaurant (on the bus!) for dinner. I brought them to the place that I knew served massive glasses of red wine. I had two of them. Then I bought a bottle of wine on the way home and drank that too once the kids were in bed. I stayed up till 2.30am watching crap on the telly. The next day I woke up and I discovered sober blogs. I have no idea with the amount of alcohol googling I did how I had not found these blogs before. The first blog I found was Mummy was a secret drinker. I devoured it and through it found some more people who were on the sober journey. My husband came home that night and I told him I was giving up drink. For good. At first I think he thought 'yeah, yeah, then Friday will come and it'll be off to the offey for wine'. We spoke again the next day and he said that he knew I had to give it up and that it had gotten worse in the last year. The first few months were scary and challenging but also very empowering.

I'm so proud of myself for what I've achieved. I can't believe that I don't drink anymore. I never would have believed that I could or would have done it.

Like the lady says - No one ever regrets not having that bottle of wine last night!


Keep it country people.

xxMtts

Sober thoughts

Hello all my darlings

How are you all doing? Things are going well here. I'm 8 months down now, that's give or take 250 days, which is a count I never, ever thought I'd be doing. It's pretty amazing. What I've realised is that giving up alcohol isn't an all singing and dancing panacea for life. I still feel happy and sad and depressed and pissed off and all those things that I felt when I was drinking. But it's different now. It's more steady, it's not the depths of despair and then heights of elation.

And it's deeper. There is a massive hidden depth that people who drink alot miss. They aren't able to give themselves the time to really be them. They are dictated by hangover, drunkeness and cravings. When we become sober we are really able to look at life and try and work out what it means to us. As tipsy no more said on a recent post 'we are not born to drink and die'. We are given this life for whatever reason (or none) and it has the ability to be rich and fulfilling but how can we let it be if we are consumed by alcohol? How can we see the reality put in front of us if we're pissed? How can we ever achieve our heart's goal when we can't even see or feel our heart?

No being sober doesn't make things all better, sometimes you have to deal with a situation where you'd have otherwise taken the instant and temporary relief of a drink. Being sober is raw and real and it's authentic. It's worthwhile and it rocks like a mother.

In other news I'm feeling kinda guilty for not blogging more (always with the guilt ladies and gentlemen) and for not connecting with you guys more. I promise I'm going to try my best to be more active online. It makes the while sober thing more special and more important when I feel like I'm part of a gang!!

Talk to you all soon and hope you're all going easy on yourselves!

xxxMtts