Hello all
Hope you're all doing well and doing what you need to do to be happy!
I've been having some cravings lately. Some 'I really miss wine and grown up conversation and getting dressed up to go out (this rarely happened, as I always usually drank at home. But still....) I was with my friend today and she was saying that we'd have to go out for our usual Mother's day lunch together. This always involved a bottle of prosecco and then more drinks when we got home. I really miss that. Luckily, I have so much to talk to her about it'll be fine. But I do miss that, calling down to mates with a bottle of wine and having the chats, meeting for a glass (2 bottles) out in the pub the odd time. Yes, I know most of these nights ended up with me not remembering what happened and feeling awful the next day. But still, I miss the anticipation and the release.
I'm not saying that I want to drink again I'm just saying that I'm struggling a little bit at the moment! Maybe with the whole vegan thing I'm missing my coffee treat in m&s, I loved that treat. I'm drinking black coffee now cos soy milk sucks ass big time so it's not the same!
The irony is if I was still drinking now I wouldn't be running 5k four times a week, or being vegan, or being sober!! I'd be stuck in that horrendous rut. I read Mrs D's blog today about how when we're sober we can really notice our ebbs and flows and ups and down and they are not influence by any drug. That she sits with the feelings, knowing that they'll pass. That being sober is great as it allows more grounding, more reflective.
So I shall ignore the impulse to fuck it all off, drink a bottle of wine and go party and I will continue on this journey that is leading me to lots of surprises and truths!
xxxMtts
It's all an illusion past that first glass. The first one IS good and you get that warm fuzzy relaxing feeling but..... after that all we are doing is chasing the dragon trying to catch and maintain that buzz. Am I right in thinking you are about 10 months in? Mrs D goes through all of the months and 10 is Changes. Sounds like you are making positive changes and your rebel brain is giving out ballyhoo. I hope you can move past this painlessly. Have a plan for Mother's Day and be resolute. Sending you positive vibes.
ReplyDeleteYup! 10 months in and over the missing wine hump. Thank god! Must have been the positive vibes! x
DeleteI'm not sure that urge will ever go away but I also believe it really is an illusion. The first glass was great and I loved it. I loved drinking and i never really intended to stop but the amount I was drinking was just so bad for me and I was terrified it was getting out of control. Being forced to sit with our problems and issues is hard to but look at all you've achieved. It really has been an amazing decision and you are reaping the rewards. Hey at least we did it while we could. Think the time had just come to grow up! But I am not ready to give up my coffee xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks EH. For always commenting on my posts and for your support. Found a new coffee yesterday that I love, thank god!! I was really starting to worry there for awhile!
DeleteYes, totally agree with the others about it being an illusion. I have to keep reminding myself of this too - I'm at nearly 9 months and having the same sort of struggles as you. The drinking days are far enough off for me to only be nostalgic for the 'good' bits, but as Edinburgh housewife says, it was only the first glass or do that was good. And the fact that when I think about it, I know that I would still have this unquenchable thirst for alcohol if I went back to it, makes me know that I never could. I'm sure that we will make new paths in our brains which will eventually give us more than we ever got from the anticipation of that first glass of wine. That's reassuring to hear that Mrs D had similar struggles at the 10 month mark. Xx
ReplyDeleteI have a couple of pieces of paper that I can read back on when I'm struggling. I wrote them when I was still drinking but really wanted to give up. When I read all of the horrible ways wine made me feel it gives me strength!
DeleteI hear ya. But the thoughts of returning to the small tiny world that drinking becomes just doesn't appeal. It is the same EVERY SINGLE time no matter what your thoughts on the matter are. I think you do 'give up' something when you quit, no matter what people say. Otherwise it wouldn't be what it is. This makes it easier to accept on my part. Maybe a yoga retreat would help you at this time or a day workshop. The Happiness Project is a brill book. Not drink related at all but makes you think and i think overall can actually make you a better person. Seems like a little inspiration might just help xx
ReplyDeleteSo right Kats, so not willing to go back to that tiny,making me invisible world..x
DeleteOh MTTS. I was feeling the same and I frickin well gave in. I'm so glad to hear you didn't. It's si hard to get the mentality that wine is a treat out of our heads, isn't it!! It's bloody not, and I feel poisoned right now. Red xx
ReplyDeleteThat's ok! Just start again. Put the glass down and start again. xxxx
DeleteHi MTTS, I have those feelings too sometimes. But I just have to remind myself how miserable I felt when I was drinking, how horrible awful it was to wake up with a hangover every day and the tiredness, and the smallness of my world. And I don't EVER want to go back to feeling like that! You are doing brilliantly, keep going. A x
ReplyDeleteEugh. Me neither. Thanks Angie. xx
DeleteDear MMTS,
ReplyDeleteI was having the left out feelings too.
In fact I just wrote a post about it.
But these thoughts are normal.
The important thing is to get them out, and then blow them away.
Being around drinking is hard, in my mind anyway.
(My life is pretty boring, so I am not around it much anymore.)
I am very glad you were able to get through the thoughts and feelings!
xo
Wendy
I LOVE my new boring life. It rocks. And actually isn't really boring at all! x
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