Day 50
For some reason I feel really nervous about writing this post. Don't know why, I've told it enough times. I suppose the act of actually committing something to black and white makes it more real, more permanent.
So in my younger years (from about 20-24) I did alot of drugs. I dropped out of college, I hung around with people that weren't really my friends, I went clubbing, I got fired from more than one job. I was wild and I was lost and I didn't really like myself very much. I was so insecure and I worried all the time that people didn't like me. I had no self respect. I thought I was worthless and not worthy of the people around me.
So one night we'd been out at a birthday party, taking loads of pills. We stayed up all night (natch) and just as we were starting to come down and get tired and ready for sleep someone suggested to take another pill. Which, of course, we did. So we took it and then napped for a bit till it kicked in. Then someone decided that we should all go into town to an early house. All well and good. So off we took ourselves on a Monday morning, past all the people queuing at bus stops or walking to work off to the pub. I got about halfway down the road when I had an horrendous panic attack/freak out. I was in bits. So one of the lads brought me back to the house we'd been in and I went to bed. But of course I couldn't sleep. So I lay there all day, petrified. Eventually I started to feel a bit better and got myself into town. Where upon I ordered a pint of lager. I will never forget how I felt about halfway down that pint. All my anxiety left, I felt much, much better and I knew I had fallen in love. I couldn't believe that this innocent, innocuous substance could work such magic.
Thus followed a short time more of drug use but loads and loads more drinking.
So there you go. That's the story of the time I fell in love. And I still remember vividly standing in that pub with music playing all around me and that feeling that alcohol had made it all ok.
I hope you all are managing, one way or another, to get through your days and try to find yourselves some peace.
Lots of love.
An emotional Mtts.
xxxxxx
Wednesday, 24 June 2015
Monday, 22 June 2015
Up and down and round and round....
Hello there dear hearts
Day 48 (what the actual fuck?!)
I hope you're all doing well and trying to pick your way through this crazy journey!
The last couple of days have been up and down again. I'm feeling a bit frustrated that I'm not getting the pay off I'd expected from putting down the bottle! People talk about waking up refreshed and clear-headed. I just wake up tired. I feel like I actually felt better about things when I was drinking as all this stuff just never got a chance to come up.
We had a girls night in last Thursday, watched 'This is 40' (funny) ate and drank (well they did). At first I couldn't keep my eyes off the bottles being opened but then I relaxed into it. Couldn't believe when we moved from the kitchen into the sitting room to watch the film that some people FORGOT ABOUT THEIR GLASSES OF WINE!! They left them on the kitchen table. 'Hello people! Are you actually mental? You have wine! You left it in the kitchen! But it's ok now, I brought it in for you!' I mean really. How could you forget about a glass of wine. How is it possible to have such a casual relationship with something that I obsessed about constantly?
As I write I realise that is such a nice thing not to have to worry about anymore. I spent so much of my time doing that. I just watched the Mrs D is going without clip where she goes on telly to talk about her addiction. I could really relate to it. The push/pull of wanting to drink but not wanting to drink. Horrendous.
I still feel that I can't get too excited about the whole no drinking thing though. I think someone described it as being 'underwhelmed'. It's not that I can't see the positives of it but I just thought that I would feel better, less tired, more positive. I think all I am is grumpy and knackered.
We did though watch two films this weekend Birdman (Brilliant) and Burn after reading (also brilliant). I realised that when I was drinking I wouldn't have been able to remember the end of either film and that actually we probably wouldn't have even probably watched two films. Then last night I had a moment of panic where I thought 'I wasted so much of my life on alcohol and I'm 41 now. I've hardly anytime left to do all the stuff I want to do!' WAAAAA! See up and down like a crazy person.
Anyhoo, my dears, keep in country an' shit.
xxxxx
Mtts.
Day 48 (what the actual fuck?!)
I hope you're all doing well and trying to pick your way through this crazy journey!
The last couple of days have been up and down again. I'm feeling a bit frustrated that I'm not getting the pay off I'd expected from putting down the bottle! People talk about waking up refreshed and clear-headed. I just wake up tired. I feel like I actually felt better about things when I was drinking as all this stuff just never got a chance to come up.
We had a girls night in last Thursday, watched 'This is 40' (funny) ate and drank (well they did). At first I couldn't keep my eyes off the bottles being opened but then I relaxed into it. Couldn't believe when we moved from the kitchen into the sitting room to watch the film that some people FORGOT ABOUT THEIR GLASSES OF WINE!! They left them on the kitchen table. 'Hello people! Are you actually mental? You have wine! You left it in the kitchen! But it's ok now, I brought it in for you!' I mean really. How could you forget about a glass of wine. How is it possible to have such a casual relationship with something that I obsessed about constantly?
As I write I realise that is such a nice thing not to have to worry about anymore. I spent so much of my time doing that. I just watched the Mrs D is going without clip where she goes on telly to talk about her addiction. I could really relate to it. The push/pull of wanting to drink but not wanting to drink. Horrendous.
I still feel that I can't get too excited about the whole no drinking thing though. I think someone described it as being 'underwhelmed'. It's not that I can't see the positives of it but I just thought that I would feel better, less tired, more positive. I think all I am is grumpy and knackered.
We did though watch two films this weekend Birdman (Brilliant) and Burn after reading (also brilliant). I realised that when I was drinking I wouldn't have been able to remember the end of either film and that actually we probably wouldn't have even probably watched two films. Then last night I had a moment of panic where I thought 'I wasted so much of my life on alcohol and I'm 41 now. I've hardly anytime left to do all the stuff I want to do!' WAAAAA! See up and down like a crazy person.
Anyhoo, my dears, keep in country an' shit.
xxxxx
Mtts.
Wednesday, 17 June 2015
The horrors
Well my darlings
Yesterday and Monday I was in the horrors. I was horrible, horrible, horrible. I was looking after 7, yes count them, 7 children, who fought and wound me up the whole time. It was probably how I was feeling and not them as they're usually great kids.
I felt angry and cross and mean and awfuck. I had a big row with lovely husband on Monday evening, we made up and then had another small one on Tuesday night.
I was supposed to go to yoga last night (I know, I know, I would have felt much better if I had) but I called down to a close friend who is the font of all emotional knowledge. She works in the mental health sector so is full of calmness and sense. I was telling her that I was feeling awful and asking why was I feeling so bad and stressed. She, very cleverly, pointed out that usually when I'm stressed I drink a bottle of wine. Now I don't do that anymore and I need to put other destressing procedures in place. She also mentioned that there may be stuff coming up that needs to be addressed, so I guess I'll have to have a look at that too. Phooey.
I've realised that I spent most of my time thinking about drinking, being drunk and being hungover. In those states it's easy not to really know what your everyday level emotionally is. (crazy bitch by the looks of the last few days). I've been finding myself up and down on an hourly basis. When I was drinking I had a reason at the end of the week to sit down and stop. When I had hangovers I was on a go slow. Now I don't have any of those constraints but I really need to find a way to stop and relax (like going to the yoga I missed...)
I've started to realise that giving up drink is more about how you deal with things with you stop than the actual putting down of the glass. It's like learning to walk again with a crutch having been taken away. It's scary and wobbly and you've nothing to lean on when you feel most unbalanced. So it's really made me see how at the very, very start of this journey I am and how I need to be kind to myself and those around me.
Of course, I could just be getting the 'painters in'. And it wouldn't be that unlikely as I do go a bit mental the week before that.
On the up side though I had a lovely wander with my son this evening, playing ninjas and he told me all about his lego sensai. We've also booked a night away at a hotel this weekend (with a pool! and a sauna!) for the family and I'm really looking forward to that. Oh and also, I got onto Belle's 100 day sober challenge today so was well chuffed!
Ok dolls, must dash.
Love you all long time. xxMtts
Yesterday and Monday I was in the horrors. I was horrible, horrible, horrible. I was looking after 7, yes count them, 7 children, who fought and wound me up the whole time. It was probably how I was feeling and not them as they're usually great kids.
I felt angry and cross and mean and awfuck. I had a big row with lovely husband on Monday evening, we made up and then had another small one on Tuesday night.
I was supposed to go to yoga last night (I know, I know, I would have felt much better if I had) but I called down to a close friend who is the font of all emotional knowledge. She works in the mental health sector so is full of calmness and sense. I was telling her that I was feeling awful and asking why was I feeling so bad and stressed. She, very cleverly, pointed out that usually when I'm stressed I drink a bottle of wine. Now I don't do that anymore and I need to put other destressing procedures in place. She also mentioned that there may be stuff coming up that needs to be addressed, so I guess I'll have to have a look at that too. Phooey.
I've realised that I spent most of my time thinking about drinking, being drunk and being hungover. In those states it's easy not to really know what your everyday level emotionally is. (crazy bitch by the looks of the last few days). I've been finding myself up and down on an hourly basis. When I was drinking I had a reason at the end of the week to sit down and stop. When I had hangovers I was on a go slow. Now I don't have any of those constraints but I really need to find a way to stop and relax (like going to the yoga I missed...)
I've started to realise that giving up drink is more about how you deal with things with you stop than the actual putting down of the glass. It's like learning to walk again with a crutch having been taken away. It's scary and wobbly and you've nothing to lean on when you feel most unbalanced. So it's really made me see how at the very, very start of this journey I am and how I need to be kind to myself and those around me.
Of course, I could just be getting the 'painters in'. And it wouldn't be that unlikely as I do go a bit mental the week before that.
On the up side though I had a lovely wander with my son this evening, playing ninjas and he told me all about his lego sensai. We've also booked a night away at a hotel this weekend (with a pool! and a sauna!) for the family and I'm really looking forward to that. Oh and also, I got onto Belle's 100 day sober challenge today so was well chuffed!
Ok dolls, must dash.
Love you all long time. xxMtts
Sunday, 14 June 2015
The weekender
Hello little beauties
Day 40 today!
It's a beautiful Sunday evening here, as I sit in bed writing to you all. It was a tough weekend though. I had moments of almost panic as the reality of what I'm doing set it. No floating away on a glass of wine, no joining in the few beers or the white wine. Just sobriety all the time. Every day. In some ways that sounds great to me but in others so scary.
We had a big charity jumble sale on our road on Saturday, which was great fun and we raised loads of money. (loadsamooonnnnneeyyy). I bought a few raffle tickets for something I really wanted to win and was unreasonably dissapointed when I didn't. Like a bleedin teenager I was, in a right strop. Usually I wouldn't have cared as I'd have probably have had a glass of wine by that point. It was hard after as there was wine and beer for all of us workers, out on the green in the lovely weather. I had a coke instead and the moment passed. There was plenty of alcohol but hardly any of it was drank, I'd have gone through a good bit of it in olden days.
Then today we were invited to a bbq in our friends. I really didn't want to go and almost cancelled at the last minute but I sort of made a pack with myself to go to everything I'm asked to, if you don't well that's when it starts to get really boring. When we walked in I saw the cocktail glasses with strawberries and mint in them and nearly turned around and left! Still, I persevered and had some classy elderflower and grape drink (from Tesco, really nice). I was in a right grump for the first hour but then I started to relax and actually (shock, horror) enjoyed myself. It did help that (yet again) people drank very little. Not sure how much of pissed folk I could have handled. I'm really lucky that I was the biggest drinker of most of my friends!
I find it's not the actual not drinking alcohol that I find hard it's the reconditioning of my brain to not allowing myself to have it and also to get used to socialising without it. I would have used any excuse to get the wine out. And I definitely would have had at least a bottle yesterday and there's no way I'd be able to write anything at this stage today. Still I guess I'm missing it. I am very much still up and down and still tired. But a bit more energy in the last week, I think. To be honest it changes from hour to hour really!
I also feel that sometimes I make too big a deal of giving up wine (this blog, reading sober books, blogs etc). I think sober mummy talked about it once. I think I may be at the stage where people are just getting used to my not drinking (if they even care) and there's no bells and whistles anymore. The novelty is wearing off and it's becoming more of a normality. And i'm not sure how I feel about that!
Anyway, I hope you all keep reading. My blog isn't as insightful and as maybe intelligent as other ones out there (needy alco) but I hope it's of help to my small band of readers (I have three followers now! Three!). I know it's great for me to be able to document this journey.
Lots and lots of fancy non alcoholic elderflower and grape juice to ya'll. And thank you all for being there.
xxxxMtts
Day 40 today!
It's a beautiful Sunday evening here, as I sit in bed writing to you all. It was a tough weekend though. I had moments of almost panic as the reality of what I'm doing set it. No floating away on a glass of wine, no joining in the few beers or the white wine. Just sobriety all the time. Every day. In some ways that sounds great to me but in others so scary.
We had a big charity jumble sale on our road on Saturday, which was great fun and we raised loads of money. (loadsamooonnnnneeyyy). I bought a few raffle tickets for something I really wanted to win and was unreasonably dissapointed when I didn't. Like a bleedin teenager I was, in a right strop. Usually I wouldn't have cared as I'd have probably have had a glass of wine by that point. It was hard after as there was wine and beer for all of us workers, out on the green in the lovely weather. I had a coke instead and the moment passed. There was plenty of alcohol but hardly any of it was drank, I'd have gone through a good bit of it in olden days.
Then today we were invited to a bbq in our friends. I really didn't want to go and almost cancelled at the last minute but I sort of made a pack with myself to go to everything I'm asked to, if you don't well that's when it starts to get really boring. When we walked in I saw the cocktail glasses with strawberries and mint in them and nearly turned around and left! Still, I persevered and had some classy elderflower and grape drink (from Tesco, really nice). I was in a right grump for the first hour but then I started to relax and actually (shock, horror) enjoyed myself. It did help that (yet again) people drank very little. Not sure how much of pissed folk I could have handled. I'm really lucky that I was the biggest drinker of most of my friends!
I find it's not the actual not drinking alcohol that I find hard it's the reconditioning of my brain to not allowing myself to have it and also to get used to socialising without it. I would have used any excuse to get the wine out. And I definitely would have had at least a bottle yesterday and there's no way I'd be able to write anything at this stage today. Still I guess I'm missing it. I am very much still up and down and still tired. But a bit more energy in the last week, I think. To be honest it changes from hour to hour really!
I also feel that sometimes I make too big a deal of giving up wine (this blog, reading sober books, blogs etc). I think sober mummy talked about it once. I think I may be at the stage where people are just getting used to my not drinking (if they even care) and there's no bells and whistles anymore. The novelty is wearing off and it's becoming more of a normality. And i'm not sure how I feel about that!
Anyway, I hope you all keep reading. My blog isn't as insightful and as maybe intelligent as other ones out there (needy alco) but I hope it's of help to my small band of readers (I have three followers now! Three!). I know it's great for me to be able to document this journey.
Lots and lots of fancy non alcoholic elderflower and grape juice to ya'll. And thank you all for being there.
xxxxMtts
Friday, 12 June 2015
Small revelations and a massage
Hello my dear friends
Really wanted to blog the other night but lovely husband was using the ONE laptop in the house (no tablets in our home, we're the new amish..) so I couldn't and fucked if I'm going to do it on my phone.
Anyway, I had a lovely yesterday. I had vouchers for a massage and for Waterstones (fancyish book shop) and my friend took the kids for the afternoon. So I headed into town - on my own. With no children!!.
I went for my massage first and the lady was asking me about injuries etc. So I told her in the last year I've:
1. Broken my leg.
2. Fallen out of an attic
3. Had a traffic barrier come down on my head (don't ask).
I've also - lost 12 lbs in weight and given up drinking.
Well, I hadn't really thought about it all like that. What a year. All that stuff to deal with! I'm so proud of myself for making the decision to become sober and free.
I've also started reading The Sober revolution by Lucy Rocca from Soberistas and Sarah Turner. I'm finding it alot easier to connect to than the Jason Vale book (which I still haven't finished). I'm reading it going - tick, I was like that, tick, that too, tick, yep, me.
I guess I've realised too that I'm still in that no-man's-land place of waiting. Waiting to see what journey this massive decision in my life will lead me on and where it will end up!
I've been feeling both so positive and also scared about my new found self. Weirdly, one of the things I'm worried about the most is my relationship with lovely husband. I think I probably leaned on him alot when I was drinking (not the actual being drunk drinking but all the detritus that comes with just drinking). I'm afraid I'll turn into this kick ass kung foo broad that'll want to just do my own thing all the time. I told him all this yesterday and you know what he said? 'Please don't be scared of where this will lead you, just embrace it and enjoy it, it's amazing what you're doing and we'll deal with whatever comes up' I mean for fucks sake!! What is my problem! What a catch, right?
Anyone else have anything like these sorts of fears that they can share with me? Please? Anything at all? Anyone? Bueller?
Ok my beauties.
Peace out. xxx Mtts. x
Really wanted to blog the other night but lovely husband was using the ONE laptop in the house (no tablets in our home, we're the new amish..) so I couldn't and fucked if I'm going to do it on my phone.
Anyway, I had a lovely yesterday. I had vouchers for a massage and for Waterstones (fancyish book shop) and my friend took the kids for the afternoon. So I headed into town - on my own. With no children!!.
I went for my massage first and the lady was asking me about injuries etc. So I told her in the last year I've:
1. Broken my leg.
2. Fallen out of an attic
3. Had a traffic barrier come down on my head (don't ask).
I've also - lost 12 lbs in weight and given up drinking.
Well, I hadn't really thought about it all like that. What a year. All that stuff to deal with! I'm so proud of myself for making the decision to become sober and free.
I've also started reading The Sober revolution by Lucy Rocca from Soberistas and Sarah Turner. I'm finding it alot easier to connect to than the Jason Vale book (which I still haven't finished). I'm reading it going - tick, I was like that, tick, that too, tick, yep, me.
I guess I've realised too that I'm still in that no-man's-land place of waiting. Waiting to see what journey this massive decision in my life will lead me on and where it will end up!
I've been feeling both so positive and also scared about my new found self. Weirdly, one of the things I'm worried about the most is my relationship with lovely husband. I think I probably leaned on him alot when I was drinking (not the actual being drunk drinking but all the detritus that comes with just drinking). I'm afraid I'll turn into this kick ass kung foo broad that'll want to just do my own thing all the time. I told him all this yesterday and you know what he said? 'Please don't be scared of where this will lead you, just embrace it and enjoy it, it's amazing what you're doing and we'll deal with whatever comes up' I mean for fucks sake!! What is my problem! What a catch, right?
Anyone else have anything like these sorts of fears that they can share with me? Please? Anything at all? Anyone? Bueller?
Ok my beauties.
Peace out. xxx Mtts. x
Tuesday, 9 June 2015
What should I be doing now?
Hello there my dearies,
35 days
I hope you're all well and enjoying the sunshine, wherever you are. It was a gorgeous day here today and I took 3 children and 2 dogs (not all mine I have to say) for a lovely walk by a little river near us. So beautiful in the sunshine, I have to say it made me appreciate my newly found sobriety!
I was having a little jog for myself today and I was thinking 'should I be doing something else to help me along my journey? I'm not drinking and writing my blog, and reading others but is there something else I should do?' Should I be seeing an addiction counceller or well or, I don't really know. I'm worried that though I'm finding all this no drinking pretty easy so far that I'm going to get bored with all the proactive stuff I need to do - writing the blog and reading others that I'll just give up on giving up.
I'm sorry, I know I'm not making much sense so let me try and explain better. I know the way I am, I get really gung ho and excited about things at the start and once I'm a certain way along the road I just seem to lose interest and get bored. This AF stuff has just seemed too easy so far. I don't know I just feel like I'm stuck or something? Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Like I'm feeling that that's it now and I'm a non drinker and it'll be like this forever. For the rest of my life I'll feel tired and just not be a drinker. Argh, I wish I could explain this better. Damn you writing and describing skills...Maybe some of it is that I feel removed a little bit when I'm writing online, that you're not actually talking face to face with people and connecting that way. Anyone feel like that?
Also, sometime else weird is happening me and I'm sure it'll make me sound ker-azee but I keep getting these tiny feelings as if I'm going to have a revelation about not drinking. A thought will pop into my head and it will feel really important but I can't hold onto it long enough to process it. See I told you. Crazy. Brilliant, I give up wine and end up the lady from The Simpsons with the cats.
Very tired most of today again and quite grumpy, nearly started crying about it at one stage. It's really depressing! I've been to doc over last few years about it but nothing shows up on tests. Seems to have deffo gotten worse since I gave up drink.
Thank you for reading that pile of mental debris people. I feel a bit unhinged this evening, as I'm sure you can tell!!
Take care of all yo'selves and I'll chat tomorrow. xxxMtts.
35 days
I hope you're all well and enjoying the sunshine, wherever you are. It was a gorgeous day here today and I took 3 children and 2 dogs (not all mine I have to say) for a lovely walk by a little river near us. So beautiful in the sunshine, I have to say it made me appreciate my newly found sobriety!
I was having a little jog for myself today and I was thinking 'should I be doing something else to help me along my journey? I'm not drinking and writing my blog, and reading others but is there something else I should do?' Should I be seeing an addiction counceller or well or, I don't really know. I'm worried that though I'm finding all this no drinking pretty easy so far that I'm going to get bored with all the proactive stuff I need to do - writing the blog and reading others that I'll just give up on giving up.
I'm sorry, I know I'm not making much sense so let me try and explain better. I know the way I am, I get really gung ho and excited about things at the start and once I'm a certain way along the road I just seem to lose interest and get bored. This AF stuff has just seemed too easy so far. I don't know I just feel like I'm stuck or something? Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Like I'm feeling that that's it now and I'm a non drinker and it'll be like this forever. For the rest of my life I'll feel tired and just not be a drinker. Argh, I wish I could explain this better. Damn you writing and describing skills...Maybe some of it is that I feel removed a little bit when I'm writing online, that you're not actually talking face to face with people and connecting that way. Anyone feel like that?
Also, sometime else weird is happening me and I'm sure it'll make me sound ker-azee but I keep getting these tiny feelings as if I'm going to have a revelation about not drinking. A thought will pop into my head and it will feel really important but I can't hold onto it long enough to process it. See I told you. Crazy. Brilliant, I give up wine and end up the lady from The Simpsons with the cats.
Very tired most of today again and quite grumpy, nearly started crying about it at one stage. It's really depressing! I've been to doc over last few years about it but nothing shows up on tests. Seems to have deffo gotten worse since I gave up drink.
Thank you for reading that pile of mental debris people. I feel a bit unhinged this evening, as I'm sure you can tell!!
Take care of all yo'selves and I'll chat tomorrow. xxxMtts.
Monday, 8 June 2015
Booze nation
Darlings...
So apparently the Irish are the booziest nation in the world according to some new study. We have an inherently unhealthy attitude to drinking and no mistake. Sunny outside? Let's have a drink! Raining? Wine? Snowing? Woo hoo! A nice hot whiskey. Sad? Drink. Happy? Drink. Confused? Drink. Have to go to the toilet? Sure you might as well have a drink while you're at it...I was talking to a neighbour of mine tonight and he was saying that he's off the booze for awhile, which means he won't be meeting any girls from this dating site he's on. 'Don't want to be seen as a boring bastard' Thing is, I know what he means. In Ireland if you don't drink you're seen as either an alcoholic or a weird religious type. Or indeed, a boring bastard.
Make of that what you will. I think the tide is turning a little bit but it has a long way to go. We really do associate literally everything we do with booze. Will I did anyway!
Actually, sometimes I think that maybe it's just me and other problem drinkers that do this. Maybe some people don't actually see a kids birthday party or a trip to town during the day at the weekend as an opportunity to get drunk...
In other pressing news - am still nearly sick with tiredness at the end of some days. Really, what's the point if I feel so crappy alot of the time. Sigh.
Sorry if this post is a bit crappy, have lovely husband and son sick in bed beside me and daughter looking for a bed buddy also so am a bit distracted writing this!
Will return tomorrow dear hearts.
Thank you all again for your lovely, and very, very wise comments.
xxxMtts.
So apparently the Irish are the booziest nation in the world according to some new study. We have an inherently unhealthy attitude to drinking and no mistake. Sunny outside? Let's have a drink! Raining? Wine? Snowing? Woo hoo! A nice hot whiskey. Sad? Drink. Happy? Drink. Confused? Drink. Have to go to the toilet? Sure you might as well have a drink while you're at it...I was talking to a neighbour of mine tonight and he was saying that he's off the booze for awhile, which means he won't be meeting any girls from this dating site he's on. 'Don't want to be seen as a boring bastard' Thing is, I know what he means. In Ireland if you don't drink you're seen as either an alcoholic or a weird religious type. Or indeed, a boring bastard.
Make of that what you will. I think the tide is turning a little bit but it has a long way to go. We really do associate literally everything we do with booze. Will I did anyway!
Actually, sometimes I think that maybe it's just me and other problem drinkers that do this. Maybe some people don't actually see a kids birthday party or a trip to town during the day at the weekend as an opportunity to get drunk...
In other pressing news - am still nearly sick with tiredness at the end of some days. Really, what's the point if I feel so crappy alot of the time. Sigh.
Sorry if this post is a bit crappy, have lovely husband and son sick in bed beside me and daughter looking for a bed buddy also so am a bit distracted writing this!
Will return tomorrow dear hearts.
Thank you all again for your lovely, and very, very wise comments.
xxxMtts.
Sunday, 7 June 2015
Rice crispie buns and a charming man
Hello darlings
Come on in, take off your shoes, here are some nice warm slippers, make yourselves at home...
So I hope you've all had good, sober weekends. It's been a crazy weekend here with rice crispy bun making for a party for ten million six year olds. Which all went off without a hitch. Apart from feeling like a zombie. I'd been running around all day on Friday preparing for said party and then up till midnight making buns and all that jazz. When I finally went to bed I didn't go to sleep until 2AM!! I blame Marian Keyes.
So yesterday I felt tireder than I've ever felt in years! Mind you so did lovely husband, he was in bed at 8.30. Which is disgraceful. I was in bed at 11, woke up at 9.30am, couldn't face the day from tiredness then went back to sleep till nearly 2.20pm! Like wtf? SO tired, not sure what that's all about.
Also having weird drinking dreams. And I'm finding myself clenching my jaw alot. Had a few 'This is ridiculous, why can't I drink? I wasn't that bad' moments. And I know wasn't that bad, compared to 'real' alcoholics but I know that it upset my husband and I know that it only ever ended up in one place. That I could never just have a couple, didn't even want to want to be one of those crazy people who could do that. I mean, what's the point if you're not going to get pissed, right?
Reading said Marian Keyes (amazing, amazing author and lady. Love her) 'This charming man'. One of the characters in it, Marnie, is an out and out alcoholic and it's sort of freaking me out that I can relate to her. Back in the day I did so many dangerous stupid things when I was drinking. I lived in London for 5 years and man, did I go crazy. Remember waking up one morning with bottles of drink (which I had stolen from some random persons house that we ended up in) in my bag and bruises on my arms, as if someone was holding me really tight. Arggh. So many nights when weird stuff happened or I'd wake up the next day not knowing how I got home. In the absolute horrors. The stupid, dangerous situations I'd put myself in.
Sometimes I compare myself to how I was then and I think that I don't really have a problem now. None of that sort of stuff happens to me these days. Why didn't that all escalate? How come I was able to sort myself out then? Does that mean I don't have a problem?
Woo, that was a lot more than I'd planned to write and to put down in black and white.
So my darlings, so good to see you. Don't forget to come again. Please bring more hot chocolate and cake.
Thank you all so much for reading.
xxxMtts.
Come on in, take off your shoes, here are some nice warm slippers, make yourselves at home...
So I hope you've all had good, sober weekends. It's been a crazy weekend here with rice crispy bun making for a party for ten million six year olds. Which all went off without a hitch. Apart from feeling like a zombie. I'd been running around all day on Friday preparing for said party and then up till midnight making buns and all that jazz. When I finally went to bed I didn't go to sleep until 2AM!! I blame Marian Keyes.
So yesterday I felt tireder than I've ever felt in years! Mind you so did lovely husband, he was in bed at 8.30. Which is disgraceful. I was in bed at 11, woke up at 9.30am, couldn't face the day from tiredness then went back to sleep till nearly 2.20pm! Like wtf? SO tired, not sure what that's all about.
Also having weird drinking dreams. And I'm finding myself clenching my jaw alot. Had a few 'This is ridiculous, why can't I drink? I wasn't that bad' moments. And I know wasn't that bad, compared to 'real' alcoholics but I know that it upset my husband and I know that it only ever ended up in one place. That I could never just have a couple, didn't even want to want to be one of those crazy people who could do that. I mean, what's the point if you're not going to get pissed, right?
Reading said Marian Keyes (amazing, amazing author and lady. Love her) 'This charming man'. One of the characters in it, Marnie, is an out and out alcoholic and it's sort of freaking me out that I can relate to her. Back in the day I did so many dangerous stupid things when I was drinking. I lived in London for 5 years and man, did I go crazy. Remember waking up one morning with bottles of drink (which I had stolen from some random persons house that we ended up in) in my bag and bruises on my arms, as if someone was holding me really tight. Arggh. So many nights when weird stuff happened or I'd wake up the next day not knowing how I got home. In the absolute horrors. The stupid, dangerous situations I'd put myself in.
Sometimes I compare myself to how I was then and I think that I don't really have a problem now. None of that sort of stuff happens to me these days. Why didn't that all escalate? How come I was able to sort myself out then? Does that mean I don't have a problem?
Woo, that was a lot more than I'd planned to write and to put down in black and white.
So my darlings, so good to see you. Don't forget to come again. Please bring more hot chocolate and cake.
Thank you all so much for reading.
xxxMtts.
Thursday, 4 June 2015
Ah running, let me count the ways I love thee
Day 30
Think the pink cloud is back temporarily. Yee haw. Had a good day today again.
Met my bro yesterday who said that I seem changed, that I seem more open and relaxed. Well, that's always good to hear.
Oh and I looked in the mirror in the car today and I was all like 'wooo baby you looks HAWT!' (this is something I hardly ever say to myself, ever.) But I dunno, think I'm not looking too bad these days.
Also I went for a run tonight (people can seriously walk faster than I can run) and I feel really good after that. I heart running for evs.
I did have a moment today though when lovely husband said 'I'm doing to do the 100 days' He's supporting me and is a normal so he really doesn't need to. I said 'well sure you're 30 days down already so only another 60 to go, unlike moi, I can never drink again!!' Well that put the fear of god momentarily in me. Then I just decided 'nope, not going to think about that for now'. It's that kind of limbo stage I think when you haven't gone that long without and drink and you haven't been faced with any major challenges to your sobriety. It's a no-mans- land of remembering how drinking was and not being established enough to really know what long term AF really entails.
Anyhoo people, I'm waffling. Must away now and make rice crispie buns for 30 million children for a birthday party. Gah.
Love you all long time,
xxxxxxxxMtts.
Think the pink cloud is back temporarily. Yee haw. Had a good day today again.
Met my bro yesterday who said that I seem changed, that I seem more open and relaxed. Well, that's always good to hear.
Oh and I looked in the mirror in the car today and I was all like 'wooo baby you looks HAWT!' (this is something I hardly ever say to myself, ever.) But I dunno, think I'm not looking too bad these days.
Also I went for a run tonight (people can seriously walk faster than I can run) and I feel really good after that. I heart running for evs.
I did have a moment today though when lovely husband said 'I'm doing to do the 100 days' He's supporting me and is a normal so he really doesn't need to. I said 'well sure you're 30 days down already so only another 60 to go, unlike moi, I can never drink again!!' Well that put the fear of god momentarily in me. Then I just decided 'nope, not going to think about that for now'. It's that kind of limbo stage I think when you haven't gone that long without and drink and you haven't been faced with any major challenges to your sobriety. It's a no-mans- land of remembering how drinking was and not being established enough to really know what long term AF really entails.
Anyhoo people, I'm waffling. Must away now and make rice crispie buns for 30 million children for a birthday party. Gah.
Love you all long time,
xxxxxxxxMtts.
Wednesday, 3 June 2015
It's only a drink...
Hello lovelies
So today I was on the phone to my folks in Italy (on holiday there for a month, the lucky ducks). My dad was describing where he was 'sitting in the sun with a chilled glass of white wine, looking over the sea' and I thought to myself 'It's only a drink'. As in, well it's just a glass of wine, all those other things he's talking about are fully open and available to me, it's only the wine bit I can't have.
I'm not sure why that struck a chord with me but I felt it was worth documenting. Maybe it's a little in road in the thoughts of 'How am I going to go without ever having a drink again?'
I also told a friend that I was giving up. She said that the last time she met me I hadn't seemed myself at all and that I'd lost my spark. She was delighted that I'm AF. It was a really good reminder on how I was feeling back then (a whole month ago!) and she's right. I felt old and tired and sick. Today was a good day and I played with the kids and I felt good about myself.
I hope this makes sense to someone out there! I'm not sure it even makes much sense to me!
Anyway people, thanks for reading.
xxxxMtts.
So today I was on the phone to my folks in Italy (on holiday there for a month, the lucky ducks). My dad was describing where he was 'sitting in the sun with a chilled glass of white wine, looking over the sea' and I thought to myself 'It's only a drink'. As in, well it's just a glass of wine, all those other things he's talking about are fully open and available to me, it's only the wine bit I can't have.
I'm not sure why that struck a chord with me but I felt it was worth documenting. Maybe it's a little in road in the thoughts of 'How am I going to go without ever having a drink again?'
I also told a friend that I was giving up. She said that the last time she met me I hadn't seemed myself at all and that I'd lost my spark. She was delighted that I'm AF. It was a really good reminder on how I was feeling back then (a whole month ago!) and she's right. I felt old and tired and sick. Today was a good day and I played with the kids and I felt good about myself.
I hope this makes sense to someone out there! I'm not sure it even makes much sense to me!
Anyway people, thanks for reading.
xxxxMtts.
Tuesday, 2 June 2015
Feelings, nothing more than feelings....
Hello you lovely people,
28 days later!! That's a month, right??
Been away for a few days and have been dying to get back to you all. We went up to Dublin at the weekend to visit my sister and her family. My folks were away so we all stayed in their house.
We did lots of fresh air, wholesome things. Walks in the park, visits to the playground, picnics, strolls by the canal (this was actually particularly stressful with trying to prevent two small children from throwing themselves into the water..). It was a lovely weekend but it was fraught too. I got very hangry on one of the days and poor lovely husband and childer bore the brunt. Boo for me.
What I'm finding difficult more than anything is not my cravings for alcohol but is my emotions. I'm feeling so guilty about the kids, my patience levels aren't too high at the moment and I'm finding it really hard to find the energy to connect with them. I do have very low iron stores which is causing tiredness so am addressing that. However, I find that I feel like I had more energy when I was drinking than I have now!! I can get pretty snitty at times too. I was talking to lovely husband last night and he was saying that I'm going through a massive change in my life so things are bound to be all over the place a bit.
I was thinking over the weekend that I might as well start drinking again as I'm not even getting the pay off of feeling all rested and full of energy. But sure, that was just a momentary thing.
I am finding it cool when I'm making plans with people that I don't have to ask myself 'Will I be hungover that day?, can I make those plans without having to break them due to skanky after effects of wine?' So that's nice. To be able to be more available. I also think that alot of the benefits of giving up drink come after a bit of time has passed and some perspective has formed.
So anyway, things to work on - connecting to kiddlesticks and not eating so much sugar!!
Thank you my darlings, allowing me to chat to you!
xxxxxMtts.
28 days later!! That's a month, right??
Been away for a few days and have been dying to get back to you all. We went up to Dublin at the weekend to visit my sister and her family. My folks were away so we all stayed in their house.
We did lots of fresh air, wholesome things. Walks in the park, visits to the playground, picnics, strolls by the canal (this was actually particularly stressful with trying to prevent two small children from throwing themselves into the water..). It was a lovely weekend but it was fraught too. I got very hangry on one of the days and poor lovely husband and childer bore the brunt. Boo for me.
What I'm finding difficult more than anything is not my cravings for alcohol but is my emotions. I'm feeling so guilty about the kids, my patience levels aren't too high at the moment and I'm finding it really hard to find the energy to connect with them. I do have very low iron stores which is causing tiredness so am addressing that. However, I find that I feel like I had more energy when I was drinking than I have now!! I can get pretty snitty at times too. I was talking to lovely husband last night and he was saying that I'm going through a massive change in my life so things are bound to be all over the place a bit.
I was thinking over the weekend that I might as well start drinking again as I'm not even getting the pay off of feeling all rested and full of energy. But sure, that was just a momentary thing.
I am finding it cool when I'm making plans with people that I don't have to ask myself 'Will I be hungover that day?, can I make those plans without having to break them due to skanky after effects of wine?' So that's nice. To be able to be more available. I also think that alot of the benefits of giving up drink come after a bit of time has passed and some perspective has formed.
So anyway, things to work on - connecting to kiddlesticks and not eating so much sugar!!
Thank you my darlings, allowing me to chat to you!
xxxxxMtts.
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