Hello all of you gorgeous amazing people
So has anyone realised how small and tiny and imprisoned their lives were when they were drinking? Before I committed to anything anyone asked me to do I'd have to consider 1.Would there be drink 2.Would I do too hungover to attend 3. Would it be with people where I'd have to watch how much I was drinking?
Eugh. Horrible.
Now I'm free to do what I want, any old time. I've been doing alot of driving this week. It's great to just be able to hop in the car, turn on some music and off I go! On my merry way. (not, drunk merry obvs) Not drinking has been so freeing for me. I think that's one of the main benefits I've seen. That and starting to think I'm actually quite cool. And a tiny bit hot. Sometimes. (total turn around from invisible, sliding into middle age, sad woman)
So we're off on hols tomorrow or Sunday. I'm bringing the laptop so will hopefully be able to log on and see what all of youse are up to. Watch the youtube clip below for an insight into my next two weeks....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFTgkibl7DU
Keep it country my dears. xxxx Mtts. xx
Friday, 24 July 2015
Tuesday, 21 July 2015
Oh. My. God. or Families and alcohol. Plus The Chemical Brothers save the day.
Wah, I've been away a whole week my lovely people. It's so nice to be back. I miss you all when I haven't blogged in awhile. But I'm always checking in on your blogs, even when I don't write myself.
So...Families..like what's that all about? And families with alcohol added in...like, what even?
I was up with my folks over the weekend to celebrate my nieces 1st birthday. The party started at 1.30pm and ended at 1.30am with my mum going to bed crying and my sister's friend off her face on wine. Woo!! I never, ever, ever have been so glad I'm not drinking anymore. In the end I had to drop said friend home as there was no taxis available. (A first for me) I also broke up a big row between her and my sister. Can I just remind you this was a child's first birthday party?
Drinking man, it's no good. The shit people think it's ok to come out with when they're drunk is incredible. It lowers your 'this is not the place or time to have this serious conversation with this person' barrier so that any old grouse or grumble you have inside comes pouring forth. And it's usually the worst place or time to bring your 'issues' up.
Next time I'm going to bed. For reals.
I did have a few white knuckle moments earlier on in the day when everyone was sitting outside in the sun drinking cold white wine. I caved and drove (yes, I was at a party and I was able to drive!) down to get my fav elderflower and grape fizz from Tesco. I could actually feel the tension in my body. Then when one of the lads asked why I wasn't drinking and I told them I'd given up, well everyone was full of interest! Mostly it was one girl (see earlier) who was agreeing with what I was saying and said it made her feel uncomfortable about how much was familiar to her...
Oh!! And, I had a chat with my sister who said she too, along with my brother, was getting worried about my drinking. My sister! Who I had in the same 'just as big a drinker as me' group. She said lately she'd noticed my drinking escalating. It was hard to hear but also great as it just confirms my decision and brings home the reality of the problem. She did also say 'You're nicer too since you've stopped drinking'!!! I didn't ask my mum and dad what they thought, don't know if I could've handled more than one persons opinion on it at that time!
So, that was a major milestone for me, being in my parents, at a party and not drinking. It was tough but after the party and all the rows and the awkward shit the next day I was so glad I'd made my decision.
Oh a plus point, we had a big festival in the park beside us so every night we'd hang out the back garden, listening. Highlights include the beautiful and amazing Hozier and the soundtrack to my misspent youth The Chemical Brothers! What would the girl back then think of herself now I wonder?!
Thank you all for being there for me, I loves ya all.
xxxMtts. xx
So...Families..like what's that all about? And families with alcohol added in...like, what even?
I was up with my folks over the weekend to celebrate my nieces 1st birthday. The party started at 1.30pm and ended at 1.30am with my mum going to bed crying and my sister's friend off her face on wine. Woo!! I never, ever, ever have been so glad I'm not drinking anymore. In the end I had to drop said friend home as there was no taxis available. (A first for me) I also broke up a big row between her and my sister. Can I just remind you this was a child's first birthday party?
Drinking man, it's no good. The shit people think it's ok to come out with when they're drunk is incredible. It lowers your 'this is not the place or time to have this serious conversation with this person' barrier so that any old grouse or grumble you have inside comes pouring forth. And it's usually the worst place or time to bring your 'issues' up.
Next time I'm going to bed. For reals.
I did have a few white knuckle moments earlier on in the day when everyone was sitting outside in the sun drinking cold white wine. I caved and drove (yes, I was at a party and I was able to drive!) down to get my fav elderflower and grape fizz from Tesco. I could actually feel the tension in my body. Then when one of the lads asked why I wasn't drinking and I told them I'd given up, well everyone was full of interest! Mostly it was one girl (see earlier) who was agreeing with what I was saying and said it made her feel uncomfortable about how much was familiar to her...
Oh!! And, I had a chat with my sister who said she too, along with my brother, was getting worried about my drinking. My sister! Who I had in the same 'just as big a drinker as me' group. She said lately she'd noticed my drinking escalating. It was hard to hear but also great as it just confirms my decision and brings home the reality of the problem. She did also say 'You're nicer too since you've stopped drinking'!!! I didn't ask my mum and dad what they thought, don't know if I could've handled more than one persons opinion on it at that time!
So, that was a major milestone for me, being in my parents, at a party and not drinking. It was tough but after the party and all the rows and the awkward shit the next day I was so glad I'd made my decision.
Oh a plus point, we had a big festival in the park beside us so every night we'd hang out the back garden, listening. Highlights include the beautiful and amazing Hozier and the soundtrack to my misspent youth The Chemical Brothers! What would the girl back then think of herself now I wonder?!
Thank you all for being there for me, I loves ya all.
xxxMtts. xx
Tuesday, 14 July 2015
Was I that bad? AKA I didn't drink every night AKA A bit of help please!
Hello my darlings
Day 70!!!
Sooo, the last few days I've been weirdly thinking what would happen if I just drank on my holidays, or at my husband's 40th. I know in my logical mind all that would happen it that it would be the gateway back to drinking again but I still can't help it. I mean I was usually pretty well behaved on holiers. I didn't get really pissed or let it impact on the days.
I know this thinking is mad and I've been having dreams in where I'm drinking. I have a few glasses and then I realise what I've done and I start feeling all panicky. When I read sober blogs, alot of them are written by people who drank every night, and some days too! I wasn't like that I only really drank at the weekend and maybe one night a week. I've also read enough to know what I'm thinking is madness and that I can't drink on a one off basis. I know one night of wine is just opening the gate to more and more and more.
I was walking around a really nice touristy seaside town near where I live yesterday and there were people all having pizza and chilled glasses of white wine. Mmmm I miss that. More than occasion drinking. For a few hours after I was a bit gutted and felt left out, I can't do that anymore. I thought how lovely it would be to join in that fun but then I used that brilliant 'play it to the end of the movie' tool. I know I'd have one glass and then try to sly in another one (to get my buzz on) much to my husband's exasperation (can you not just have one glass of wine?). Then I'd spend the rest of the afternoon trying to construct a situation where I could have another one to keep the buzz going 'Let's go for a coffee or an ice cream!! Oooh look! They sell wine here! Sure I might as well have one of those instead. it's such a lovely day!' Who did I think I was fooling like? Even if I wanted a coffee or an icecream, I'd have the wine instead, just so I could keep feeling tipsy. Then there'd be a stop off on the way home for 'bread' or 'toilet paper' or 'a hammer' or some other ridiculous excuse in the name of a bottle of wine. So when I played that situation to the end I felt alot better. I definitely was a slave to alcohol.
But still, I'd really like some of your thoughts on why I can't just drink on my hols, or at the 40th birthday party of my lovely, lovely, normal drinking husband (who is now also on day 70 of the 100 day sober challenge for moral support)
I know in my logical mind why I can't do this but some support from you lovely people would be great.
Lots and lots of love, Mtts. xxx
Day 70!!!
Sooo, the last few days I've been weirdly thinking what would happen if I just drank on my holidays, or at my husband's 40th. I know in my logical mind all that would happen it that it would be the gateway back to drinking again but I still can't help it. I mean I was usually pretty well behaved on holiers. I didn't get really pissed or let it impact on the days.
I know this thinking is mad and I've been having dreams in where I'm drinking. I have a few glasses and then I realise what I've done and I start feeling all panicky. When I read sober blogs, alot of them are written by people who drank every night, and some days too! I wasn't like that I only really drank at the weekend and maybe one night a week. I've also read enough to know what I'm thinking is madness and that I can't drink on a one off basis. I know one night of wine is just opening the gate to more and more and more.
I was walking around a really nice touristy seaside town near where I live yesterday and there were people all having pizza and chilled glasses of white wine. Mmmm I miss that. More than occasion drinking. For a few hours after I was a bit gutted and felt left out, I can't do that anymore. I thought how lovely it would be to join in that fun but then I used that brilliant 'play it to the end of the movie' tool. I know I'd have one glass and then try to sly in another one (to get my buzz on) much to my husband's exasperation (can you not just have one glass of wine?). Then I'd spend the rest of the afternoon trying to construct a situation where I could have another one to keep the buzz going 'Let's go for a coffee or an ice cream!! Oooh look! They sell wine here! Sure I might as well have one of those instead. it's such a lovely day!' Who did I think I was fooling like? Even if I wanted a coffee or an icecream, I'd have the wine instead, just so I could keep feeling tipsy. Then there'd be a stop off on the way home for 'bread' or 'toilet paper' or 'a hammer' or some other ridiculous excuse in the name of a bottle of wine. So when I played that situation to the end I felt alot better. I definitely was a slave to alcohol.
But still, I'd really like some of your thoughts on why I can't just drink on my hols, or at the 40th birthday party of my lovely, lovely, normal drinking husband (who is now also on day 70 of the 100 day sober challenge for moral support)
I know in my logical mind why I can't do this but some support from you lovely people would be great.
Lots and lots of love, Mtts. xxx
Saturday, 11 July 2015
Checking in
Hello kindly folk,
Not too much to report apart from pre-painters in anger and tiredness. Oh momma am I angry...
Anyway my sister and boyf and their bubba are staying this weekend, which of course, brings it's own stresses and strains, not sure I'm quite ready for visitors yet! I'm quite happy in my little bubble. My sister isn't drinking though but we have an awful habit of annoying eachother. We do try our best though!
I just wanted to check in as I know blogging does really help and makes me feel like I have a lifeline of folk out there who understand what's going on for me. We're going on hols in a couple of weeks so am a bit nervous about how that's going to pan out, especially as my parents are coming for a week and they like a drink at night. (Ooops, forgot I spoke about this previously!)
We're having very interesting conversations about alcohol lately, it's very weird to be able to be totally open about how I thought about alcohol and how much it consumed my thoughts. I never could admit how I felt about it before in case someone said to me that I had a problem and then I'd have to give up!! The tangled webs we weave for ourselves...
Anyway, hope you're all doing well on this Saturday evening.
Lots of love
Mtts. xxxx
Not too much to report apart from pre-painters in anger and tiredness. Oh momma am I angry...
Anyway my sister and boyf and their bubba are staying this weekend, which of course, brings it's own stresses and strains, not sure I'm quite ready for visitors yet! I'm quite happy in my little bubble. My sister isn't drinking though but we have an awful habit of annoying eachother. We do try our best though!
I just wanted to check in as I know blogging does really help and makes me feel like I have a lifeline of folk out there who understand what's going on for me. We're going on hols in a couple of weeks so am a bit nervous about how that's going to pan out, especially as my parents are coming for a week and they like a drink at night. (Ooops, forgot I spoke about this previously!)
We're having very interesting conversations about alcohol lately, it's very weird to be able to be totally open about how I thought about alcohol and how much it consumed my thoughts. I never could admit how I felt about it before in case someone said to me that I had a problem and then I'd have to give up!! The tangled webs we weave for ourselves...
Anyway, hope you're all doing well on this Saturday evening.
Lots of love
Mtts. xxxx
Tuesday, 7 July 2015
The further I get the clearer I see
Hello you bastions of beauty, all of you,
Things are going well here, if you don't count my incredibly short fuse, which poor lovely husband bares the brunt of mostly.
This post won't be too long but can I just say that the further I get from drinking alcohol the more I see how fucked up it made me. How much time I spent worrying about my health (both mental and physical), my kids (how would they cope when I died of cirrhosis), what I'd said or done the night before, my finances and so on. How lately it was harder and harder to get that lovely buzz off it, how my drinking had become more committed and more determined. How I'd stopped all pretence of pacing myself or limiting myself. I was drinking for only one thing. To get pissed. Towards the end I really was ruled by the bottle. Sometimes I'd have one or two glasses and I'd actually feel like stopping but I couldn't. I'd be saying to myself that I'd started now and I have to keep going. That is mental!
I can't believe that I've gone from someone who was terrified for years to face the idea of being a problem drinker and having to do something about it to someone who can't really imagine having a drink again.
I have found myself being more neurotic about the kids and less patient of people since I've given up. People seem to annoy me more. I'm such a bitch!! I don't know why they do. I was never known for my high levels of tolerance in general but it's really gone to shite lately!
Anyway, we've all lived to fight another day, in whatever state we're in. So go us.
xxxMtts.
Things are going well here, if you don't count my incredibly short fuse, which poor lovely husband bares the brunt of mostly.
This post won't be too long but can I just say that the further I get from drinking alcohol the more I see how fucked up it made me. How much time I spent worrying about my health (both mental and physical), my kids (how would they cope when I died of cirrhosis), what I'd said or done the night before, my finances and so on. How lately it was harder and harder to get that lovely buzz off it, how my drinking had become more committed and more determined. How I'd stopped all pretence of pacing myself or limiting myself. I was drinking for only one thing. To get pissed. Towards the end I really was ruled by the bottle. Sometimes I'd have one or two glasses and I'd actually feel like stopping but I couldn't. I'd be saying to myself that I'd started now and I have to keep going. That is mental!
I can't believe that I've gone from someone who was terrified for years to face the idea of being a problem drinker and having to do something about it to someone who can't really imagine having a drink again.
I have found myself being more neurotic about the kids and less patient of people since I've given up. People seem to annoy me more. I'm such a bitch!! I don't know why they do. I was never known for my high levels of tolerance in general but it's really gone to shite lately!
Anyway, we've all lived to fight another day, in whatever state we're in. So go us.
xxxMtts.
Saturday, 4 July 2015
Cleaning on a Saturday night...
Hello doodles
Day 60!!!
Well, what does cleaning the house at 8.30pm on a Saturday mean to you? To me tonight it meant a desire to get rid of that itchy 'would like a cold, cold glass of white wine' feeling. It's funny, although I have zero want to actually drink it still doesn't stop those feelings from arising.
I was talking alot today with various people about my soberity. I felt strong and liberated and great. Then I got home and I just had a moment of 'what now'. It was 5pm on a lovely Saturday and the most natural thing in the past, would have been to open a bottle of wine. So I got itchy and I started cleaning. I got about 15 minutes in and I knew I needed to call in the big guns. The cleaning wasn't working. I hopped into the car down to Marks & Spencers (fancy food and clothing shop) and bought some nice drinks and crisps and a really fancy relish I'd been looking at for awhile. So that seemed to help!
I also had a great discussion today about an Andrew Marr (historian dude on the telly) documentary we'd watched last night. I was actually able to remember some of the names and dates that were talked about in it! That's a miracle. I love those history programmes but was usually a good bottle of wine down watching them so in one ear and out the other.
So I'm delighted that I'm on day 60 and am seeing the benefits and feeling the liberation that sobriety allows.
I hope you're all doing ok.
Keep on trucking, one foot in front of another people!
xxMtts
Day 60!!!
Well, what does cleaning the house at 8.30pm on a Saturday mean to you? To me tonight it meant a desire to get rid of that itchy 'would like a cold, cold glass of white wine' feeling. It's funny, although I have zero want to actually drink it still doesn't stop those feelings from arising.
I was talking alot today with various people about my soberity. I felt strong and liberated and great. Then I got home and I just had a moment of 'what now'. It was 5pm on a lovely Saturday and the most natural thing in the past, would have been to open a bottle of wine. So I got itchy and I started cleaning. I got about 15 minutes in and I knew I needed to call in the big guns. The cleaning wasn't working. I hopped into the car down to Marks & Spencers (fancy food and clothing shop) and bought some nice drinks and crisps and a really fancy relish I'd been looking at for awhile. So that seemed to help!
I also had a great discussion today about an Andrew Marr (historian dude on the telly) documentary we'd watched last night. I was actually able to remember some of the names and dates that were talked about in it! That's a miracle. I love those history programmes but was usually a good bottle of wine down watching them so in one ear and out the other.
So I'm delighted that I'm on day 60 and am seeing the benefits and feeling the liberation that sobriety allows.
I hope you're all doing ok.
Keep on trucking, one foot in front of another people!
xxMtts
Thursday, 2 July 2015
Coffee and red velvet cupcakes on the green
Hello my dearieyeos
I hope you are all doing well and trying to give yourselves some self car.
I had a lovely day today. I'm deffo noticing an improvement in my mood and my energy levels. We had a picnic out on the green by my house for a friend's birthday. We had coffee and red velvet cupcakes (oohhh YUM) and a really good chat and laugh.
We got talking about my giving up drinking (I've been upfront with my close family and friends about it). One of the girls (who I used to go 'running' with) was sort of saying 'Well sure, you've nearly done 60 days now, that's great, you can start drinking again'!!!!! Argh. The what now?? I told her it wasn't the not drinking that was a problem it was the moderation that I can't do. I really, really can't. She said 'Like, could you go to a pub and have two drinks and then stop?'
Pfffff, no. Of course I can't. That's just for starters. I would feel itchy and pissed off and angry if I had to drink that and then stop. Nightmare. (Funnily enough she was saying that she thinks that she has a serious sugar addiction, that if someone told her she could never have sugar again she'd have to go to a sugar addiction meeting. That the thought of giving it up terrified her. Sound familiar? The thought of giving up drink used to send me into a spiral of panic and fear...)
Like I've said before, I actually don't even mind not being able to be a normal drinker. I've no interest in two glasses of wine. For me, it's all or nothing. I tried moderation for years. I tried writing down how much I was going to have when I drank. I tried only buying a certain amount of alcohol. I tried pouring half a bottle of wine into a measuring jug and only having that. I tried only going out with a certain amount of money. I tried having my husband give me a hard time if I drink. I tried it all and sometimes it worked for awhile but it always went back to the point of me drinking to get pissed and blacking out alot of the time.
I'm really glad I blogged today as I was having some wolfie thoughts about how much of a problem I have. Not in anyway thinking that I'd drink but just some random thoughts about it floating around. Especially when people's reaction to my news about giving up is, in some cases, 'you're not that bad, are you, you don't need to totally give up?!'
But I guess that alcohol can be that insidious, it's not always up in your face and sitting on a park bench with a two litre. Sometimes it's a mother of two, who drives a mammy wagon and cooks dinner every night.
The last few months of my drinking I felt invisible and old and that that was how I was going to feel till I died. I had no idea that how I felt had anything to do with alcohol but it turns out it did! I feel like there's a whole new path stretching out in front of me with so many opportunities for me to take! (disclaimer: may feel opposite tomorrow and moan about crappy stuff)
Sorry if that blog was a ramble of lots of different things just spewed out onto the page but out it had to come!
Anyway my darlings, mind yourselves and remember to apply plenty of sunscreen!
xxxMtts.
I hope you are all doing well and trying to give yourselves some self car.
I had a lovely day today. I'm deffo noticing an improvement in my mood and my energy levels. We had a picnic out on the green by my house for a friend's birthday. We had coffee and red velvet cupcakes (oohhh YUM) and a really good chat and laugh.
We got talking about my giving up drinking (I've been upfront with my close family and friends about it). One of the girls (who I used to go 'running' with) was sort of saying 'Well sure, you've nearly done 60 days now, that's great, you can start drinking again'!!!!! Argh. The what now?? I told her it wasn't the not drinking that was a problem it was the moderation that I can't do. I really, really can't. She said 'Like, could you go to a pub and have two drinks and then stop?'
Pfffff, no. Of course I can't. That's just for starters. I would feel itchy and pissed off and angry if I had to drink that and then stop. Nightmare. (Funnily enough she was saying that she thinks that she has a serious sugar addiction, that if someone told her she could never have sugar again she'd have to go to a sugar addiction meeting. That the thought of giving it up terrified her. Sound familiar? The thought of giving up drink used to send me into a spiral of panic and fear...)
Like I've said before, I actually don't even mind not being able to be a normal drinker. I've no interest in two glasses of wine. For me, it's all or nothing. I tried moderation for years. I tried writing down how much I was going to have when I drank. I tried only buying a certain amount of alcohol. I tried pouring half a bottle of wine into a measuring jug and only having that. I tried only going out with a certain amount of money. I tried having my husband give me a hard time if I drink. I tried it all and sometimes it worked for awhile but it always went back to the point of me drinking to get pissed and blacking out alot of the time.
I'm really glad I blogged today as I was having some wolfie thoughts about how much of a problem I have. Not in anyway thinking that I'd drink but just some random thoughts about it floating around. Especially when people's reaction to my news about giving up is, in some cases, 'you're not that bad, are you, you don't need to totally give up?!'
But I guess that alcohol can be that insidious, it's not always up in your face and sitting on a park bench with a two litre. Sometimes it's a mother of two, who drives a mammy wagon and cooks dinner every night.
The last few months of my drinking I felt invisible and old and that that was how I was going to feel till I died. I had no idea that how I felt had anything to do with alcohol but it turns out it did! I feel like there's a whole new path stretching out in front of me with so many opportunities for me to take! (disclaimer: may feel opposite tomorrow and moan about crappy stuff)
Sorry if that blog was a ramble of lots of different things just spewed out onto the page but out it had to come!
Anyway my darlings, mind yourselves and remember to apply plenty of sunscreen!
xxxMtts.
Wednesday, 1 July 2015
I've missed you all!
Hello you lovely people
I've missed you all! Our laptop (n'er a tablet in sight here) gave up the ghost there for a few days but it's cranked up again so I can blog again, thank god. I was really itching for a good old yap.
So things are going well enough at the moment. We had a lovely weekend, on Saturday we stayed in a hotel with the kids. Highlight for no. 2 was picking up the phone in the room and saying 'knickers' and hanging up. Hilarious I'm sure. We spend the evening all in the same bed, eating chocolate and watching A shark's tale. So super different than if I'd been drinking. We'd have been in the bar till as late as I could get away with and then I'd have hauled my hungover ass out of bed the next day, grumbling and feeling guilty. On Friday the kids had a sleepover so instead of 'going for dinner' (any excuse for a piss up) we went to the beach and I had a swim, then we got chips from the chipper and sat looking out at the sunset. Then we went to to pub. For a COFFEE!! Madness. It was a gorgeous weekend though. I had a few white knuckled moments but all in all it was fine.
I've been in a good few situations where I've felt 'oooh, a glass of wine would be perfect just about now' but then I've actually remembered Jason Vale's thing about how a nice experience is down to the company you're keeping or your mood etc and not down to alcohol. I'm really finding the whole 'play the movie to the end' tool really, really helpful. One glass of lovely wine only ever led to one place for me.
I'm having glimpses of truths about drinking, nothing I can actually concretely grasp but I know there's stuff trying to get out and hopefully I can catch something soon and try and share some actual wisdom with you all!
Hope you are all doing well.
xxxxxxMtts
I've missed you all! Our laptop (n'er a tablet in sight here) gave up the ghost there for a few days but it's cranked up again so I can blog again, thank god. I was really itching for a good old yap.
So things are going well enough at the moment. We had a lovely weekend, on Saturday we stayed in a hotel with the kids. Highlight for no. 2 was picking up the phone in the room and saying 'knickers' and hanging up. Hilarious I'm sure. We spend the evening all in the same bed, eating chocolate and watching A shark's tale. So super different than if I'd been drinking. We'd have been in the bar till as late as I could get away with and then I'd have hauled my hungover ass out of bed the next day, grumbling and feeling guilty. On Friday the kids had a sleepover so instead of 'going for dinner' (any excuse for a piss up) we went to the beach and I had a swim, then we got chips from the chipper and sat looking out at the sunset. Then we went to to pub. For a COFFEE!! Madness. It was a gorgeous weekend though. I had a few white knuckled moments but all in all it was fine.
I've been in a good few situations where I've felt 'oooh, a glass of wine would be perfect just about now' but then I've actually remembered Jason Vale's thing about how a nice experience is down to the company you're keeping or your mood etc and not down to alcohol. I'm really finding the whole 'play the movie to the end' tool really, really helpful. One glass of lovely wine only ever led to one place for me.
I'm having glimpses of truths about drinking, nothing I can actually concretely grasp but I know there's stuff trying to get out and hopefully I can catch something soon and try and share some actual wisdom with you all!
Hope you are all doing well.
xxxxxxMtts
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