Hello people
As I've said before thank god for you and for being able to express this journey with people who understand.
Yes, this has been a tough week and yes I've struggled. However, of course it's going to be hard. It's all about going through all those firsts that you would never have considered doing before without alcohol. The only thing I have not to do is drink. I can do anything else. I know that sounds simplistic but that's the black and the white of it. Just. don't. drink.
In our society we are surrounded by alcohol and when you're sober you see that even more. Recipes for cocktails in magazine, people opening bottles to celebrate anything, habitual drinking because that's just what we do, ads on billboards, whole aisles dedicated to alcohol in shops...It's just all there. As as non-drinkers we have to get used to that. But I like to think that we are the antithesis of all that. Maybe by standing up and saying 'nope, that's not for me thanks' we might make others think. Not in a preachy way - good for you if you can drink safely. But just think in a societal way about how we drink. Does it have to be this all consuming thing that is the norm? Should our kids want to stand outside off licences asking adults to buy them cans? What is it about alcohol that it is so revered in our society? What does it do for us and what do we need it to do?
Who knows. But it sure is interesting. At the party on Saturday, I recognised myself in one of the guys there. Just as he was leaving to go into town to a pub I saw him knocking back the whole bottle of beer he was drinking. It kind of knocked me for six - I know that! I know that feeling! Must get it down me as I'll have to wait another half an hour before my next drink. That little thing that no-one else probably even noticed, I recognised, and somepart of me screamed 'That was you, you were exactly like that' I was like oxygen to me when I was drinking, get us much in as possible. And I know towards the end it was getting worse, I was getting over my one bottle of wine norm way quicker and I just wanted more and more and more.
So...all food for thought my darlings.
Hope you're all ok and getting there. Just. don't. drink.!
xxMtts
Thursday, 27 August 2015
Tuesday, 25 August 2015
Tired and struggling
Well people, I'm struggling a bit. So we had the party on Saturday and by all accounts it was a huge success. Massive thanks from all on being a brilliant hostess and doing a great job. I didn't sit down pretty much for the whole night. I kept myself busy pouring drinks, serving food, doing the wash up. I know I was trying to distract myself from the fact that I wasn't drinking alcohol. It wasn't bad actually and I enjoyed the night. I couldn't move the next day though, parties never used to be that hard work! At one point I was looking at all the wine bottles around me and it felt like it would have been SO nice just to pour a glass and chill out. So I had a cigarette instead (I don't smoke..)
At the moment I'm feeling like I have a big hole instead me that I'm trying to fill, like an itch I can't quite scratch. I try to eat, or drink sparkling water or have a bath but nothing satisfies me. I've ants in my pants. I'm bored, restless....
We have my lovely husbands folks over for the week too. They like a drink, especially his dad. I've actually felt a bit guilty for not drinking with him. I suppose I'm finding it hard having them around and not being able to slip into a glass (bottle) of wine in the evening.
I'm also pissed off that I'm tired so much. I thought when I gave up drinking I'd bounce out of bed every morning, full of energy and joy. Nope. I have to drag myself up every day. How I'm going to manage it when the kids go back to school. I've also put on weight. I'd lost over a stone recently but between our hols and the party and lovely husband's family being here I've being eating way more...
This sucks ass! Do I really have to do every social function without drink? Why? It's so hard! Argh.
I've also noticed, to my shame, that most people don't drink like I did. They have a few glasses and can stop then. Whereas with me it was like a race to the bottom. We had about 30 people in the house on Saturday at the party and not one of them seemed obviously drunk. Being sober is pointing out to me how unhealthy my relationship to alcohol was.
Even though I know I won't drink, I think this week I would actually like to. I'd love to have that bottle and just relax into a drunken haze. I used to love next day drinking the most. The bottle you'd have the day after the night before. I loved that buzz I got.
Anyway, there you all go. My life story for this week!
Hope you're all doing well and trying to deal with life the best you can.
xxxxMtts
At the moment I'm feeling like I have a big hole instead me that I'm trying to fill, like an itch I can't quite scratch. I try to eat, or drink sparkling water or have a bath but nothing satisfies me. I've ants in my pants. I'm bored, restless....
We have my lovely husbands folks over for the week too. They like a drink, especially his dad. I've actually felt a bit guilty for not drinking with him. I suppose I'm finding it hard having them around and not being able to slip into a glass (bottle) of wine in the evening.
I'm also pissed off that I'm tired so much. I thought when I gave up drinking I'd bounce out of bed every morning, full of energy and joy. Nope. I have to drag myself up every day. How I'm going to manage it when the kids go back to school. I've also put on weight. I'd lost over a stone recently but between our hols and the party and lovely husband's family being here I've being eating way more...
This sucks ass! Do I really have to do every social function without drink? Why? It's so hard! Argh.
I've also noticed, to my shame, that most people don't drink like I did. They have a few glasses and can stop then. Whereas with me it was like a race to the bottom. We had about 30 people in the house on Saturday at the party and not one of them seemed obviously drunk. Being sober is pointing out to me how unhealthy my relationship to alcohol was.
Even though I know I won't drink, I think this week I would actually like to. I'd love to have that bottle and just relax into a drunken haze. I used to love next day drinking the most. The bottle you'd have the day after the night before. I loved that buzz I got.
Anyway, there you all go. My life story for this week!
Hope you're all doing well and trying to deal with life the best you can.
xxxxMtts
Tuesday, 18 August 2015
I'm not done yet!
So people, as you can see from my title, the last few days have pointed out to me clearly that I'm still just at the start of this new path.
I've had a friend to stay with her two kids. We'd normally have a bottle or two (who'm I kidding) between us when we hook up. I'm pretty sure she wanted to drink but she said she thought it wouldn't be fair of her to given my situation. Of course I went overboard saying that I didn't mind at all if she drank and that she totally should get a bottle. But actually, on reflection, I'm glad she didn't. It's not that it would've killed me or anything but it just makes life that little bit easier if people don't....
We've a big party this weekend for lovely husband's 40th. We've people coming from the UK and from Ireland. I'm quite nervous about it all and feel like I just want to organise the party but then hide away for the night! I know it'll be fine but I guess I'm just apprehensive. Also lovely husband is finished his 'in support' 100 day challenge so it'll be weird that he's drinking again. He doesn't really have much, maybe a bottle or two but at least when he wasn't I felt like I had a non drinking buddy.
I think I'm having a few days where although I don't feel like drinking I do miss that relief that it gives, initially at least. That lovely, first few sips, relaxation. I guess that is a feeling that is no longer available to me and I am learning how to deal with that. I'm tired and I'm stressed a little bit.
However, I know it will pass and thank god I have my lovely little online group of supporters. I really couldn't do this without you guys so thanks so much. All your comments mean SO much to me.
Hope you're all doing ok.
xxxxxxxMtts.
I've had a friend to stay with her two kids. We'd normally have a bottle or two (who'm I kidding) between us when we hook up. I'm pretty sure she wanted to drink but she said she thought it wouldn't be fair of her to given my situation. Of course I went overboard saying that I didn't mind at all if she drank and that she totally should get a bottle. But actually, on reflection, I'm glad she didn't. It's not that it would've killed me or anything but it just makes life that little bit easier if people don't....
We've a big party this weekend for lovely husband's 40th. We've people coming from the UK and from Ireland. I'm quite nervous about it all and feel like I just want to organise the party but then hide away for the night! I know it'll be fine but I guess I'm just apprehensive. Also lovely husband is finished his 'in support' 100 day challenge so it'll be weird that he's drinking again. He doesn't really have much, maybe a bottle or two but at least when he wasn't I felt like I had a non drinking buddy.
I think I'm having a few days where although I don't feel like drinking I do miss that relief that it gives, initially at least. That lovely, first few sips, relaxation. I guess that is a feeling that is no longer available to me and I am learning how to deal with that. I'm tired and I'm stressed a little bit.
However, I know it will pass and thank god I have my lovely little online group of supporters. I really couldn't do this without you guys so thanks so much. All your comments mean SO much to me.
Hope you're all doing ok.
xxxxxxxMtts.
Saturday, 15 August 2015
Am I done now?
Hello all
So I'm just feeling now that I'm done with drinking for sure. Am I being cocky? Too confident? Do I need to stop blogging? Is that it? I can safely say that I really haven't had any major cravings over the last 102 (!) days and even now the thought of drinking turns my stomach.
Surely it can't be that easy? It's my husband's 40th next weekend and I'm actually looking forward to being sober at it. I want to keep blogging but I'm not sure I have that much to say anymore. Like, I'm sober, I don't drink. That's pretty much it really. (I do eye up wine bottles in friend's houses and make sure they keep their glasses topped up though..whatever that means..)
Some feedback from you all would be great.
Thank you my darlings and hope you're all doing ok.
xxMtts.
So I'm just feeling now that I'm done with drinking for sure. Am I being cocky? Too confident? Do I need to stop blogging? Is that it? I can safely say that I really haven't had any major cravings over the last 102 (!) days and even now the thought of drinking turns my stomach.
Surely it can't be that easy? It's my husband's 40th next weekend and I'm actually looking forward to being sober at it. I want to keep blogging but I'm not sure I have that much to say anymore. Like, I'm sober, I don't drink. That's pretty much it really. (I do eye up wine bottles in friend's houses and make sure they keep their glasses topped up though..whatever that means..)
Some feedback from you all would be great.
Thank you my darlings and hope you're all doing ok.
xxMtts.
Thursday, 13 August 2015
Day 100!
Hello dolls
Day 100!!!
I'm not counting really, the days since I last had a drink but day 100 is a special one isn't it?
And the best thing is that now to celebrate I get jewellery! No more cheap bottles of vino tinto for this sober momma. No way! I got a gorgeous Alex and Ani braclet from amazing husband. I sent him yesterday's blog post when he asked me how I was feeling about being sober for over 3 months. So when he was choosing the bangle on the bracelet he chose the skeleton key for me. This is the symbol for power, choice and liberation. Yes, it's true he rocks. He's a thoughful, supportive man who opted in for the 100 day challenge to support me.
I love being powerful, liberated and all through my own choosing.
We have to break the news to his folks that I've given up as they're coming from the UK next week. His dad loved that I liked a drink and we'd often have tasting evenings so I don't know how he's going to take it. I know they'll be really supportive but I can't help but think he'll be a little bit sad!
Of course, I have to thank all of you who read and comment on this blog. All of you who encourage and support and can empathize with me as we go through our various different journeys. Thank you so much for reading and writing and just giving a fuck in general. It's crazy that we've never met and don't really know each other. It's crazy that I think about you if you haven't posted in a few days and hope you're doing ok....Thank you all for helping me through this first 100 days.
Let's raise our glasses to the next 100!
Lots of love
xxxxMtts.
Day 100!!!
I'm not counting really, the days since I last had a drink but day 100 is a special one isn't it?
And the best thing is that now to celebrate I get jewellery! No more cheap bottles of vino tinto for this sober momma. No way! I got a gorgeous Alex and Ani braclet from amazing husband. I sent him yesterday's blog post when he asked me how I was feeling about being sober for over 3 months. So when he was choosing the bangle on the bracelet he chose the skeleton key for me. This is the symbol for power, choice and liberation. Yes, it's true he rocks. He's a thoughful, supportive man who opted in for the 100 day challenge to support me.
I love being powerful, liberated and all through my own choosing.
We have to break the news to his folks that I've given up as they're coming from the UK next week. His dad loved that I liked a drink and we'd often have tasting evenings so I don't know how he's going to take it. I know they'll be really supportive but I can't help but think he'll be a little bit sad!
Of course, I have to thank all of you who read and comment on this blog. All of you who encourage and support and can empathize with me as we go through our various different journeys. Thank you so much for reading and writing and just giving a fuck in general. It's crazy that we've never met and don't really know each other. It's crazy that I think about you if you haven't posted in a few days and hope you're doing ok....Thank you all for helping me through this first 100 days.
Let's raise our glasses to the next 100!
Lots of love
xxxxMtts.
Wednesday, 12 August 2015
Sunshine and moonbeams!
Hello my darlings!
Day 99!!
Here I am, I know you were all wondering where I was but I'm back now.
We've just returned from 2 amazing weeks in Clare, on the West coast of Ireland. We were camping. It rained. We had gale force 9 winds. We had sunshine. We had wet and dry. We also had a ball. Probably the best holiday we've had in a long, long time.
And...I didn't drink! I'm amazing! There were moments where it was difficult but there were none whre I actually really felt like having a drink. The kids stayed up late, where they would be usually put away as early as possible so as not to interfere with drinking time. We were never rushing back from the beach so as I could start on my bottle for the day. We didn't have to stop in a pub along the way so I could enjoy my holiday with some wine. We didn't have to be anywhere or do anything at any given time. It was bliss.
We reconnected with each other and with our lives and how we want to live them. I feel nothing is impossible. I feel I can do whatever I put my mind to. I'm so, so happy that I no longer drink alcohol. Life is so much more interesting and open and most of all FREE now that I don't drink. I can't explain it. I no longer have to worry about when to start drinking, when to stop, how much to drink, how to drink as much as I can without anyone judging me or telling me to stop. I can still remember that feeling of after the first few sips of a glass of wine, that horrible feeling of knowing that I had to finish to the end what I'd started and how I didn't really feel like I had a choice to stop.
Anyway people, it's so lovely to be back. I've been reading your blogs while I was away. I'm following you Sober mummy with great interest as you're on your hols too and so many of your blogs are summing up exactly how I'm feeling too.
Keep on keeping on my dears. Or as SM says, bring on the woop!
xxxxMtts.
Day 99!!
Here I am, I know you were all wondering where I was but I'm back now.
We've just returned from 2 amazing weeks in Clare, on the West coast of Ireland. We were camping. It rained. We had gale force 9 winds. We had sunshine. We had wet and dry. We also had a ball. Probably the best holiday we've had in a long, long time.
And...I didn't drink! I'm amazing! There were moments where it was difficult but there were none whre I actually really felt like having a drink. The kids stayed up late, where they would be usually put away as early as possible so as not to interfere with drinking time. We were never rushing back from the beach so as I could start on my bottle for the day. We didn't have to stop in a pub along the way so I could enjoy my holiday with some wine. We didn't have to be anywhere or do anything at any given time. It was bliss.
We reconnected with each other and with our lives and how we want to live them. I feel nothing is impossible. I feel I can do whatever I put my mind to. I'm so, so happy that I no longer drink alcohol. Life is so much more interesting and open and most of all FREE now that I don't drink. I can't explain it. I no longer have to worry about when to start drinking, when to stop, how much to drink, how to drink as much as I can without anyone judging me or telling me to stop. I can still remember that feeling of after the first few sips of a glass of wine, that horrible feeling of knowing that I had to finish to the end what I'd started and how I didn't really feel like I had a choice to stop.
Anyway people, it's so lovely to be back. I've been reading your blogs while I was away. I'm following you Sober mummy with great interest as you're on your hols too and so many of your blogs are summing up exactly how I'm feeling too.
Keep on keeping on my dears. Or as SM says, bring on the woop!
xxxxMtts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)