The good life

So we're very near to buying our first house. We're also well above the average age of buying your first house, but hell, things got in the way! Plus we love where we live.

It's going to be a big change, we currently live in suburbia near to shops and town and all that buzz. My best friend is also my next door neighbour, we even run a small business from her house. We're leaving all this to move rurally to the countryside. We'll be about 10 mins drive to a bigish town and 30 mins from the city. My friends will still be near enough as we're staying in the same county. I can't say I'm not terrified about this move. Leaving everything we know behind. I'm pretty involved in the community here and I'm not sure there's a massive one where we're going. I'm pretty ok at putting myself out there so hopefully I can make some friends. I won't be able to walk to the shop, or to the school and I'm pretty sure there'll be a lack of vegan treats available to me! I'm also lying awake alot at nights, worrying about it all!

BUT, it's a dream we've had for years. Think Tom and Barbra in 'The good life' - chickens, fresh veg, space all that carry on. I know alot of 'townies' move to the country and get a big shock when it's not all they imagined it to be. I'm a firm believer in having and following your dreams. No matter what they are. I'm not so sure that in my drinking days I'd have had the courage to actually make the move. And I know it's going to be mentally easier for me to adjust to our new life without hangovers and cravings and worry about what I did in front of the new neighbours. I'm not expecting it to be easy but I sure as hell know it'll be alot easier than before.

Contracts aren't signed yet but we're going in the right direction so cross your fingers for us!

xxx

Some Joyce and an update

“A few light taps upon the pane made him turn to the window. It had begun to snow again. He watched sleepily the flakes, silver and dark, falling obliquely against the lamplight. The time had come for him to set out on his journey westward. Yes, the newspapers were right: snow was general all over Ireland. It was falling on every part of the dark central plain, on the treeless hills, falling softly upon the Bog of Allen and, farther westward, softly falling into the dark mutinous Shannon waves. It was falling, too, upon every part of the lonely churchyard on the hill where Michael Furey lay buried. It lay thickly drifted on the crooked crosses and headstones, on the spears of the little gate, on the barren thorns. His soul swooned slowly as he heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the living and the dead.” 

- Joyce, The Dead.

 Isn't that beautiful? So evocative, and romantic? If you haven't read any Joyce, you might recognise from Fr Ted, where they parodied it! Gorgeous.

 Thank all of you who posted under my last post. It means so much to know that there are people out there in the same place as me and offering support. Maybe I do need to blog more, even when I'm feeling good, maybe that will help me stay more on an even keel. It's important to have people around who can understand what it's like being AF and who also understand why you had to make the decision in the first place. Sometimes I think that it's almost easier in society if you're a stereotypical alcoholic, then people understand that you have to stop drinking and why. When you're not such an obvious boozer comments like 'I don't know how you do it' and 'oh you weren't that bad were you?' are common and can be difficult to handle. Lots of times these people had gone home by the time the second bottle got opened or by the time you were crawling up the stairs at 4am.....There's also the misery of what goes on your head the next few days. Horrendous. 

Anway, I'm following Nadia Sawalha and her husband Mark Adderley on youtube on their How are you feeling - A daily diary of living with depression. It is amazing, Mark is a recovering alcoholic who hasn't drink in years, he also suffers from anxiety and depression (no surprises for alot of us boozers there!). He is incredibly open and honest about his life and I can really relate to alot of what he says. His comments before Christmas about how it was a really hard time not to drink with everyone in the pubs and there twinkly lights really helped me through Christmas. Have a look at it, it's great.

So my darlings, bit of a waffle there, not the best written but I wanted to put pen to paper and say hi. 

XXX

Mtts.

Dry drunk/Christmas blues?

Hi guys!

Are any of you still here? I know you are! I've just been MIA, thinking I was doing ok on my own. Well, turns out I'm not. I've found the Christmas (my second sober one) difficult. We've been in the UK with my in-laws. Bottles of spirits everywhere, pre dinner drinks, wine with dinner and then port after. And me, with my sparkling water. Being in the in-laws is difficult enough, and mine are a little eccentric and total hoarders but being with them surrounded by so much booze is even harder. There were a few times when all I wanted was a glass of wine. Then we went on a few gorgeous long walks and had lunch in the pub after, all around me people drinking.

It's a weird two sided feeling. I really miss the feeling that a couple of drinks gives me. That twinkly, starry, feel good feeling. But then I know, I understand that I'm not that kind of drinker. That I can't stop at that. I have to keep going until I'm properly, royally pissed. To the detriment of everything and everyone else.

I don't have that 'Oh life is so wonderful now that I've stopped drinking' feeling that other people seem to have. Life goes on, is still a chore and a grind. I feel tired alot, I get cross, I get pissed off. I suffer from anxiety, I worry about the kids, my husband, myself.

Maybe I need to do more work on myself, maybe I need to exercise more (miss running so much and then feeling that gave me (dodgy knee)) I know I need to get up off my arse and move.

Anyway, just wanted to check in, I've been following a few of you lately and am so glad to see you doing well and still sober.

xxxxx Mtts