The sparkle is missing

So, I've spent the last week feeling like something is missing. And I've been trying to place what it is. I've been feeling nostalgic for the Golden Age (see Midnight in Paris by Woody Allen), I've been reading history books, watching history documentaries. Pining for something I can't place...
I know this makes no sense, why would I be looking in the past where I've never even been to find this missing thing.
When I was out walking yesterday (incredible autumn day with added fun of a power cut!) I realised that the sparkle is missing. That anticipation of the first glass of wine, the excitement of it. It's not just the actual drinking of the wine and how it makes me feel but it's the ceremony and the specialness of it too. With my first alcohol free Christmas looming, I keep thinking 'how can I make it special if not with wine'..Am I making any sense to people?
I know this isn't true, I know wine made me feel crap and cut me off from the real world and wasn't in anyway good for me. But I miss the build up to the weekend, to the adultness of that glass of wine, the specialness, the reward...
Hmm, I hope that this is just another process I have to get through in the long road of sobriety and not drinking.
I keep thinking 'how come people who don't drink much or not at all don't feel like this?' For people who have an unhealthy relationship with booze it's not just a case of not drinking and it's all fine. Like any unhealthy relationship things don't just get better if you call it off.
Anyway my darlings, love to you all (especially sober mummy)
xxxMtts. xx

Something missing..

Hello all

I know alot of your thoughts are with Mummy was a secret drinker right now. I hope you're ok my dear and you are coping so well with this big shock to your system...We're all thinking of you. xx

Things are going well here. I'm getting to a place now where I don't associate every little thing that happens with opening a bottle of wine. I do miss it sometimes though. Or rather, the idea of it. Then when I spend two seconds just thinking about how alcohol made me feel, even after one glass I forget about it. This weekend though I did feel like something was missing. I'm not sure if it was wine but there was a definite hollow vibe about the weekend, as lovely as it was.

Anyway, if that's the worst I can feel I can keep going!!

Just a short post as am surrounded my children and animals, all making noise...

Keep on keepin on people...

xxxMtts.

No wine, so much time

Like my snappy rhyme? It's might sound awful but it's certainly true. I have so much fricking time these days. Time that isn't taken up with drinking, recovering from hangovers, thinking about drinking and that's just the start. I no longer fill my time with worry, guilt, anger, self pity, self hate, fear and regret. I'm not saying I don't still feel those things, I just know that alcohol isn't to blame for feeling them anymore. Nowadays when I feel something I know it's real. It's not fabricated by a drug that I poisoned my mind and body with. Something that for me made me a different person. Made me waste so much time.

There were hungover days that I just wrote off, 'I'll do it tomorrow or the next day when I don't feel so bad. I just can't face that now' I literally spent most Mondays in that state. There were days when I.Just.couldn't. Days I spend hours and hours flicking around on the internet, trying to beam myself somewhere else, anyway but with my kids and in the present moment.

Since I've given up wine my life that become so full. Full of stuff that I can't really believe I'm doing. I've started running again, doing yoga, setting up my own business. I've also started enjoying more the things I was doing before I stopped, minding kids, running a supper club, storytime at a local library. I'm even thinking of walking the dogs at a local shelter. See!! My life is cool! I'm jealous of me. I sound like one of those people I couldn't stand. 'Who does she think she is? What a nightmare, no-one needs to do all that stuff' But really want I meant was 'Hmm she obviously doesn't drink like me. Where is the time for her hangovers?'

Anyway my darlings. Thank you all SO SO much, you are my AA, my sober path, my inspiration and my mentors.

Lots of love. xxxxMtts.