To AA or not to AA

Day 9

Hello dear people,

My ninth day. Woo! I'm actually feeling pretty good about the whole not drinking thing at the moment. I'm actually feeling guilty about how easy it all seems to be.

I'm still walking a tightrope between thinking about just not drinking for today and not drinking forever. It would be pretty common for me to go for a week or two with out drinking alcohol so I don't feel like I've been challenged yet. I'm waiting for the axe to fall as it were! When I think about not drinking on holidays or on sunny days at a party or bbq I deffo feel overwhelmed but right now the thought of having a glass of wine is not appealing to me. I guess having made some sort of a decision about the whole thing has put me in a different mind set.

I wrote down all the reasons I want to stop drinking alcohol while it's fresh in my mind (the guilt, the worry, not being able to stop once I start, black outs, letting my 3 year old wander round the house a few mornings cos I was asleep in bed (the GUILT, the GUILT)) so I'm hoping that they'll help with the booze comes a knocking. But even know, only 9 days on I'm reading them and thinking 'Arra, they're not that bad' but I know they made me feel bad and they made lovely husband feel like there was a divide between us. I used to worry that if I offered someone a glass of wine that they'd say yes and then I wouldn't have enough left for me. How generous and gracious of me....

So I went to my 4th AA meeting last night and I'm becoming increasingly uncomfortable about the whole thing. When you start they say to try to notice the similarities and not the differences. I found that impossible last night. All of the people who shared spoke of the Gardai (police) calling to their houses, of stealing from their families, of losing their children and partners to this disease.
Most of them had been in recovery centres.

I'm not trying to sound all 'oh there's nothing wrong with my drinking' but I haven't really met that many other aa members that drank like I did. I know there is but I just haven't met them yet!

Then there's the reciting of The Lord's prayer at the end and the constant reminders of how you have to acknowledge a higher power before you can be 'recovered' fully. I'm not religious and I'm really struggling with this.
Lastly there's the whole 'my name is blah and I'm an alcoholic' I mean why do you need to say this every time you speak? It seems to me it's a bit like a millstone around your neck, constantly reminding yourself of what wrongs you have done..

I don't know people, what do I know. It's only my fourth meeting, maybe I just need to stick at it and hope that I'll get it in awhile. I know it's helped so many people so who am I to dismiss it so immediately.

Anyway keep on keepin' on dudes.

xx