Mountains and molehills

Hey people

Hope the weekend went well for you all. I had a pretty positive time.
I went to an aa meeting on Friday evening and spent the first half of it thinking 'that's it, these people are way worse than me, I can't relate to this'. Then in the second half a couple of women shared what felt more like how I drank. It was all about the crappy hangovers, the cravings for fat and carbs and just feeling narky and cross the next day and just crappy in general. So who knows, maybe I'll stick around.

We had a gorgeous day on Saturday, hiking a mountain with friends and the kids. It was all going great till I was chatting to own of my closest mates about my drinking (or lack of) and she was saying 'but surely you can moderate, its' not forever is it?'. This girl is brilliantly supportive and fab but that little comment got me thinking. Got me thinking 'yeah sure, of course I can drink again, it's nuts just giving up like this. Forever. And ever.'

 So for the rest of the day I worked myself up into a righteous drinking frenzy. We spent the afternoon in another friend's house drinking tea and eating cake. I have to say it was then that I realised what not drinking again means. No leisurely (who am I kidding, race to the bottom of the bottle more like it) white wine out the back garden in the summer, no wine in the evenings on holiday when the kids are in bed (or even in the early evening when the kids are up. Or even at lunch). No more camaraderie of opening a bottle and kicking back with my girls...no more of any of that. Ever again.

So after all this thinking I began the 'Let's see where I am when I've done a hundred days, maybe then I can drink again!' conversation with the lovely husband. 'Hmm, maybe' sez he, not convinced. 'You've tried moderation before, it didn't really work though, did it?'...'plus I'm actually really enjoying you not drinking' 'Why?' sez meself (for the purpose of not having you sit through the whole conversation we had I'll bullet point it for you)

- when we go for something quick to eat, he knows it's just that. Not me trying to connive a situation where we sit down in a restaurant just so I can drink wine.

- when we visit friends he knows that he's not going to be sitting there at 10pm with kids going mental trying to get my away from the bottle. (just another 5 minutes darling!)

- if we drive, he doesn't always have to be the one to not drink

- we are getting on much, much better since I made the decision not to drink. I can see him visibly more relaxed. Which makes me think my drinking was actually effecting people more than I reckoned it was.

So that was food (not wine) for thought..

Even though I have these conversations with myself there's still a part of me that feels definite and solid about giving up. Maybe that will change or move about but for now I'm not going to drink. I'm still confused in what I'm actually doing here but for now I'm not going to drink.

Thanks for listening people, keep it country.

xx

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