Pubbing it

Hello my darlings

Soooo, feeling much better today. Went to the pub last night though. Why? What was I thinking? It was my friend's birthday and I called her during the day to cancel going and that I'd meet her again for coffee. Then I changed my mind and drove down. I actually got really nervous walking in! I don't know why! I had no intention on drinking, had no want on me to either.

We all sat down, I know two of the girls well and had told them the score but the other two I don't know hardly at all. Woo! It was actually pretty boring. Then people started talking about kids and I was like 'I am OUT of here' I felt really uncomfortable for most of the time actually. We did have a nice chat at one stage but after about an hour I felt totally and utterly exhausted and I left. As I was walking out it seemed like every single person in the place was drinking wine. I must have looked crazy as my eyes flicked from table to table, walking past really fast. MENTAL alert!! Pubs are boring when you're not drinking and it's the nighttime. Let me tell you I won't be doing that for awhile again. No way.

It's so weird I just feel like I shouldn't be feeling odd or weird about this, like I have no right too. I mean if I was drinking bottles of whiskey everyday then I'd be a proper alcoholic and I could allow myself to feel all these things I think I shouldn't be feeling. I can't really explain it. 

Today has gone well and we're heading up to the big smoke to see my sister and my niece for the weekend, she's taking Belle's challenge so at least there'll be no booze around. As SM says - If you can go without it when I'm around please do but if not please work away! I'm beginning to think that's pretty much my attitude at the moment too!

Ok my dollfaces, all of you. Keep yourselves safe and sober!

xxMtts

Is it ok to say I have a drinking problem

Hello lovies

Following on from last night's post - I feel bad now that I posted that need for a craving. I have been reading blogs since then and I see how many people are struggling so much with cravings that I don't want to rub anyones face in how I'm feeling (still cross by the way...)

I think what I was trying to say in my shambolic way was - If I didn't drink everyday, is it ok to be getting sober and saying that I have a drink problem? This is totally obvious and if someone asked me, of course I'd say yes but somehow I need to be reassured that it's ok! Does anyone think that drinking 3/4 days a week means that I might go through the same stuff as people who drank every night? SM was talking about PAWS in her blog, I wonder could that apply to me? Why am I even worrying about this?? I think under it is maybe Wolfie starting to possibly get her claws in...?

I'm sorry for these rambling self involved posts but I need to get this down to try and work through it. Overthinking. As usual.

I'm going to find three things to be grateful for today (one of them is sitting on the table in front of me chatting away to herself) and report back later. 

Ok my dear hearts.

Keep on truckin'

xxMtts

Cross, bothered but not hot

Gah. Why am I so cold all the time? Annoying. Cold hands, cold heart.
Anyway for some reason I'm cross tonight. With myself. I didn't go to yoga tonight,  (why can't I commit to anything?) back was killing me, I felt tired and shitty. I went to lie down for an hour when lovely husband came home from work when I should have gone for a walk or at the very least eaten a proper dinner. I haven't spent proper play time with the kids in ages. Am bad mother. I had 6 kids here today due to childminding duty (don't mistype me, am not flowery, gentle, kind mother who bakes and paints with children and never shouts - am opposite, If I smoked I'd flick my fag ash into the pot of gruel I was begrudgingly serving up for my family) and they did stress me out a teeny weeny bit.

Argh and I was having a great day, Mam rang me full of pride for my wine decision ('You've such determination, from the time when you were 13 and you decided you didn't like your handwriting so you learnt how to write more nicely..), had a lovely visit to the farmer's market, am now down 12lbs in fat fighters....what went wrong??!!!

Why also do I feel like I'm missing out on this becoming sober thing? I didn't drink every night so it's not like I even get the martyrdom of physical withdrawals (yes, I know, I wouldn't want them if I did). I have to wait until 6 weeks sober to say I've done something that I've never done before. Although in fairness, I've never decided to give up wine permanently before. I'm afraid that I've made the decision to stop going to AA I'm not taking it seriously anymore and thus I will relapse. Even though I don't feel like drinking. When will it get harder? When can I prove to myself that I can overcome a challenge?When will I FEEL LIKE HAVING A DRINK?? (I know I'll be back here soon wishing these days back) Am so mental. Is this no drinking mental or just normal 'I have my period' mental or even just normal normal mental?

Answers, dear hearts on a postcard please.

xxxxMtts

Saying goodbye to AA (for now)

 Hello darlings,

I hope the weekend was kind to you and you managed to keep on track. As I said in my last blog, I had a ball. On Sunday we went up to the allotment and put down some courgettes. I did loads of weeding, which is actually very relaxing. Who knew! Me! Gardening!

So I didn't go to my Monday night meeting (I've been going to two a week for the last few weeks) and I think I'm not going to go again, for awhile at least. I find what I read online and what I experience in the meetings very conflicting. I see myself as becoming free from alcohol whereas alot of people at meetings seem to be defined by their drinking, or their drinking of many, many years ago. Not that I'm judging. No way no how. I can see how much support and relief the meetings give and I think it's truly amazing to hear what some people have gone through while they were drinking and indeed afterwards. But I just don't know if it's for me. I'm loving all the blogs I'm following and am getting so much inspiration from ALL of them. I'm loving blogging! I'm enjoying how free I'm feeling today. (From now on how I feel is just for today, this minute even as it changes all the time) I'm actually even enjoying the Jason Vale book and am reading it, highlighter in hand.

I told my dad about my decision today and he was so supportive, he said he really admired me and whatever happened he'd be there for me. Which is nice!

I also wanted to ask for your advice. I've been off wine now for 3 weeks and haven't really felt the urge for one since then. Is this normal? Will it last? What happens if I crave one? Is this the pink cloud they talk about? What comes after the pink cloud?! Please do tell dear hearts as I'd love to hear some feedback, whatever it is....

Keep it country my dears
xxxMtts

Freedom!!

Hello lovely people,

Well I think I'm getting it, this whole sober buzz. I had a fantastic day yesterday, I met my brother and sis-in-law on the beach and went for a (bloody) freezing swim, spent a few hours on the (freezing) beach watching my bro and the kids constructing dams, then coffee and cake and then a bbq. The best thing about the whole day was that I felt so FREE! I wasn't planning the day around the first drink (maybe stop off for a pint, then bottle of wine for bbq), I didn't get pissed and messy. Lovely husband didn't worry when would we leave and how would he have to get me out.

Ahh it was so so nice. We had a celebratory drink (grape and elderflower fizz) for the yes vote passing the same sex marriage bill. Yay! I had a good chat with the bro about giving up, he was delighted. Apparently he'd be trying to find a way to bring up that he was a bit worried about my drinking. I think he was relieved that he didn't have to now. I was a bit shocked that he felt like that, I didn't think it was that obvious, or bad (whatever that means).

I'm feeling calm and relaxed this weekend (won't last I know...) and really happy with my decision.

In other good news the Jason Vale book is making a bit more sense to me. I'm going to get my high lighther pen out to mark sentences that I like!


Anyhoo peeps, my popcorn awaits to be popped and hot chocolate to be drank.

Keep it sober my darlings.

xx
Mtts.

ANGRY MTTS

Day 16

Woo hoo! It's ANGRY MMTS here. Very ANGRY, and then happy, and then freaked out, back to ANGRY again, then delighted, then overwhelmed but inevitably back to ANGRY. With everyone. My poor kids and lovely husband. (who I had a roaring argument with today and then hung up on him).

I don't know why I'm so tired and angry. It's not like I drank everyday, it's not like I drank during the day or first thing in the morning. I did however drink about 3/4 evenings a week, at least a bottle of wine. So I don't know maybe anger is some sort of processing emotion. I'd love some feedback on this!

I'm also reading the Jason Vale book - Kick drinking easily. I read the Amazon reviews and on some other sober blogs recommendations I thought I'd like it. And don't get me wrong, there is some really valuable stuff in there but I have major problems with some of this ideas:

- Comparing alcohol to heroin. Like just no. It's not the same. It just isn't. You can't socialise after a hit of gear, or look after your kids, or have the bants with mates. Everyone who drinks alcohol doesn't get addicted (Vale does not agree) but most people who use heroin do.

- He says that everyone who uses alcohol is addicted. Everyone. Even those who have a glass with their dinner or a glass once a week. He uses the following test to prove this - Ask anyone who drinks this question 'You win 100,000k, it's all yours as long as you accept this small proviso - you can't drink alcohol again for the rest of your life' He claims that most of the people he asked either said 'no way, let's get the beers in ' or 'sure, I'd go without for that amount'. Then he 'claims' that the go withouts actually came back to him later saying they were lying and no way would they do this.
I was thinking about his test today and I thought, if someone offered me 100,000k to never, ever eat bread again, or eat chocolate or crisps or butter well, hell, I'd have a hard time agreeing to that either.
Anyway, just because you'd have a hard time saying no to alcohol for the rest of your life doesn't make you an addict. I have loads of friends who have just one glass of wine and that's it. Lots of people in wine making countries drink wine responsibly. Liking having a drink and being an addict are two different things.

I'll keep reading it to the end but am finding those points tough to over look.

It was my birthday yesterday and I spent it sober (yay! - first sober birthday in years) but angry (boo).

Ok that's enough from me people. Please do keep reading and I'd love to hear from you.

Keep on truckin'

Mtts

Mountains and molehills

Hey people

Hope the weekend went well for you all. I had a pretty positive time.
I went to an aa meeting on Friday evening and spent the first half of it thinking 'that's it, these people are way worse than me, I can't relate to this'. Then in the second half a couple of women shared what felt more like how I drank. It was all about the crappy hangovers, the cravings for fat and carbs and just feeling narky and cross the next day and just crappy in general. So who knows, maybe I'll stick around.

We had a gorgeous day on Saturday, hiking a mountain with friends and the kids. It was all going great till I was chatting to own of my closest mates about my drinking (or lack of) and she was saying 'but surely you can moderate, its' not forever is it?'. This girl is brilliantly supportive and fab but that little comment got me thinking. Got me thinking 'yeah sure, of course I can drink again, it's nuts just giving up like this. Forever. And ever.'

 So for the rest of the day I worked myself up into a righteous drinking frenzy. We spent the afternoon in another friend's house drinking tea and eating cake. I have to say it was then that I realised what not drinking again means. No leisurely (who am I kidding, race to the bottom of the bottle more like it) white wine out the back garden in the summer, no wine in the evenings on holiday when the kids are in bed (or even in the early evening when the kids are up. Or even at lunch). No more camaraderie of opening a bottle and kicking back with my girls...no more of any of that. Ever again.

So after all this thinking I began the 'Let's see where I am when I've done a hundred days, maybe then I can drink again!' conversation with the lovely husband. 'Hmm, maybe' sez he, not convinced. 'You've tried moderation before, it didn't really work though, did it?'...'plus I'm actually really enjoying you not drinking' 'Why?' sez meself (for the purpose of not having you sit through the whole conversation we had I'll bullet point it for you)

- when we go for something quick to eat, he knows it's just that. Not me trying to connive a situation where we sit down in a restaurant just so I can drink wine.

- when we visit friends he knows that he's not going to be sitting there at 10pm with kids going mental trying to get my away from the bottle. (just another 5 minutes darling!)

- if we drive, he doesn't always have to be the one to not drink

- we are getting on much, much better since I made the decision not to drink. I can see him visibly more relaxed. Which makes me think my drinking was actually effecting people more than I reckoned it was.

So that was food (not wine) for thought..

Even though I have these conversations with myself there's still a part of me that feels definite and solid about giving up. Maybe that will change or move about but for now I'm not going to drink. I'm still confused in what I'm actually doing here but for now I'm not going to drink.

Thanks for listening people, keep it country.

xx

- 

To AA or not to AA

Day 9

Hello dear people,

My ninth day. Woo! I'm actually feeling pretty good about the whole not drinking thing at the moment. I'm actually feeling guilty about how easy it all seems to be.

I'm still walking a tightrope between thinking about just not drinking for today and not drinking forever. It would be pretty common for me to go for a week or two with out drinking alcohol so I don't feel like I've been challenged yet. I'm waiting for the axe to fall as it were! When I think about not drinking on holidays or on sunny days at a party or bbq I deffo feel overwhelmed but right now the thought of having a glass of wine is not appealing to me. I guess having made some sort of a decision about the whole thing has put me in a different mind set.

I wrote down all the reasons I want to stop drinking alcohol while it's fresh in my mind (the guilt, the worry, not being able to stop once I start, black outs, letting my 3 year old wander round the house a few mornings cos I was asleep in bed (the GUILT, the GUILT)) so I'm hoping that they'll help with the booze comes a knocking. But even know, only 9 days on I'm reading them and thinking 'Arra, they're not that bad' but I know they made me feel bad and they made lovely husband feel like there was a divide between us. I used to worry that if I offered someone a glass of wine that they'd say yes and then I wouldn't have enough left for me. How generous and gracious of me....

So I went to my 4th AA meeting last night and I'm becoming increasingly uncomfortable about the whole thing. When you start they say to try to notice the similarities and not the differences. I found that impossible last night. All of the people who shared spoke of the Gardai (police) calling to their houses, of stealing from their families, of losing their children and partners to this disease.
Most of them had been in recovery centres.

I'm not trying to sound all 'oh there's nothing wrong with my drinking' but I haven't really met that many other aa members that drank like I did. I know there is but I just haven't met them yet!

Then there's the reciting of The Lord's prayer at the end and the constant reminders of how you have to acknowledge a higher power before you can be 'recovered' fully. I'm not religious and I'm really struggling with this.
Lastly there's the whole 'my name is blah and I'm an alcoholic' I mean why do you need to say this every time you speak? It seems to me it's a bit like a millstone around your neck, constantly reminding yourself of what wrongs you have done..

I don't know people, what do I know. It's only my fourth meeting, maybe I just need to stick at it and hope that I'll get it in awhile. I know it's helped so many people so who am I to dismiss it so immediately.

Anyway keep on keepin' on dudes.

xx

Fleet foxes and yoga

So people today went from up - 'Yes I can do this', to down - 'it's such a lovely sunny day and though I don't want a drink today how in the name of jaysus can I do this forever?' Then it went up, then down, then up again and so on.  I went to my third AA meeting last night. People seem lovely but there's an air of going to mass about it all! Still,  I'll sick to it and see where it all goes. Think things might fall into place the more I go. Lovely husband is In fine fettle too, he thinks he might be delighted I've decided to give up me aul sins. Am still in what feels like limbo land. And still swinging between 'ah it wasn't that bad' and 'nah. It was. It was shit'
On the plus side I was very thankful for my amazing yoga teacher and the Fleet Foxes today. In no particular order.
Not a post full of excitment but that's where it's at.
Keep it real people, that's the only way we can tell what the truth is.
xx

It's my time to shine!

Day 1 to day 6

So last Tuesday evening I went out for dinner with my kids (lovely husband was away) and drank two big glasses of wine. Then when I came home and after I'd put said kids to bed I proceeded to drink a bottle of wine. And I stayed up till 3am. This is not uncommon.

I have a drinking problem.

I have known this for a long, long, long time. 

On Wednesday I spent all day online reading soberity blogs. How did I not know these exsisted?!
I've spent years and years sifting through websites on alcohol - 'Am I an alcoholic? - 10 questions to find out' 'Do I drink too much - complete this survery'.
I thought I'd read everything ever about alcohol misuse.

Turns out I was wrong. Also turns out that these blogs by other women, same age as me, mothers like me, convinced me that I needed to do something. I've tried wine/ no wine. Drinking beer instead of wine. Only buying one bottle of wine and sharing it. Measuring out how much wine I was going to drink in one night. Wine, wine, wine, wine, wine.

My friends wouldn't think I have a major problem. I'm fun and I seem to be in control of my life.

However they don't see the planning and the scheming that is necessary to make sure that I always have enough wine.

I don't drink every night, in fact I have been known to go on the dry for up to a month. It's all rosy until I take that very first sip. Then fugedaboutit. I'm off down the offy for another bottle.  For the life of me I cannot moderate. There was no other way my drinking was going but down. I'd noticed in the last year that things had gotten more intense, more serious, more focused. I'd even gone past the point where I wasn't even pretending that I was going to try to cut back, once I started to drink I knew I was getting pissed and that was that. Fact of life.

So I've decided I need to stop. And I've decided I need to blog about it, as a means to get things in my head straight and to hold myself accountable to myself.

I'm following (among others) the following blogs, which are fab by fab ladies -
Mummy was a secret drinker
Mrs D is going without
Unpickled
Belle - Tired of drinking

I've also been to 2 AA meetings and am attending my 3 tonight. Not sure how that's going to work out but sure support is support so I'll keep going for now...

I'm hoping to blog everyday so if you're interested in my journey please do join in!

x Irish mammy

I'm moving on up now, getting out of the darkness
My light shines on, my light shines on, my light shines on.