One of my favourite of Roy's in the IT's t-shirts had Meh. printed on it. I think that's summing up pretty much how I'm feeling lately.
It's been 140 days sober now for me. I know that's a long time for me. The longest ever. But it also seems like such a tiny, tiny drop in the massive ocean. I know I have to start somewhere and every journey starts with the first step blah blah. But what's the point like?! I mean I know in my head that being sober is the best thing for me but sometimes that's not how I feel. Does that make any sense? I just feel sort of well, meh really. I miss it but I don't miss it too. I miss group gatherings being just easier with a drink in hand. I miss having a lovely girls drink in the afternoon. I miss getting dressed up and going out. Of course I don't miss the hangovers, the guilt, the worry and the fear and the lack of control. It's funny though, how easy with a bit of time, it can be to dismiss the negative stuff.
It feels sort of like the novelty has worn off. It's not that I want to drink again. I just want to do all those kind of things without it and enjoy it as much as I did with a drink. To be honest, nighttime socialising now is something I really don't want to do. That party I went to last weekend showed that to me. It was so boring and I felt horrible. I'm so much more into meeting friends during the daytime now.
I'm sorry, I don't feel like I'm explaining myself very well. This is just a stream of conciousness. Getting my period 3 times in 50 days I'm sure doesn't help (tmi I know). And mouth ulcers. And the tiredness. I'm probably dying or something. Give up drink = become a walking illness.
Ok people, rant over. Feeling sorry for myself today.
Oh, also, something who's sober nearly a year told me to make sure to congratulate myself alot. I think i've forgotten to do that. So well done me...
xxMtts
I'm familiar with Meh mtts! I get you! It's the PAWS. It'll pass. Hang in there and give yourself a big treat. Have a pedicure. Go to bed in the afternoon. Shag the postman! (Maybe not) Be good to yourself and it'll get better...
ReplyDeleteHmm, still not sure I qualify for PAWS as I didn't drink every night! I'm in terrible form altogether whatever it is.
ReplyDeleteYes. Anyone who drank regularly (even weekly) can have PAWS.
DeleteBut general life also has ebb and flow.
Yes, i wonder how you tell the difference between the two!
DeleteFor now assume it is paws and give yourself a break. Extra self care and support.
DeleteI think there must be emotional PAWS as well as physical. I didn't drink every day but totally get the meh thing or bleugh as I call it. I also don't think I'll drink (for now anyway) as I know that won't help and I do feel I've done the hardest part. But I'm still waiting for the pink cloud...... and the bags of energy etc etc Meanwhile it's just head down and plodding on, changing my habits for my health and my kids' future perception of alcohol. It's the right thing to do. Have started some 'me' things too - studying a distance learning degree, yoga, walking and am going to introduce a few more. I used to paint so am going to start that up again. You are doing great and you need to keep remembering how far you've come and, by bigging, how much support you're giving for others ie/me! So a big thank you and hug from me xxx
ReplyDelete* by blogging!!!!
ReplyDeleteYo biggie ya'll..
DeleteYou're right about doing some things for yourself. I have started walking and am back to yoga next week. Just feel like something is missing..
Dear MTTS,
ReplyDeleteI get it!
Even now, I like to go out at night, but not as much as I did when I was drinking.
I think it's okay not to deny those feelings.
Just keep looking forward to new different experiences.
At least that helps me.
I am meeting people during the day now too, but I am isolating a little too much!
You are doing great!
Keep feeling proud of yourself!
xo
Wendy
Thanks Wendy. You're great, going out dancing n shit for your anniversary!
DeleteI get it. Some things are forever changed. Some of ll improve.
ReplyDeleteCraig and I had a great time in Vegas this weekend. I never expected that sober.
The meh will pass. It's one of those things that takes time.
Yee haw! Vegas, how cool is that. I want to be one of those little old blue rinse ladies with the cups of dimes at the one arm bandits. That's my future. Ha.
Deletei think to be the best version of myself, i need to remove alcohol from my life. I think the same applies to you. I think even if you were still drinking going out and socialising just changes as you get older and you couldn't really carry on the same as before for lots of reasons. But is still sucks at times and hopefully this funk will pass for you. Obviously feeling unwell makes it worse, did u have bloods done, would it be a vit b thing? A good fish oil can be good for mental health. I would concentrate on wellness and energy first and then try and decide how to carry on. This is all an adjustment still and you will adjust.
ReplyDeleteOh you are SO right there Kats. That's a good one, to be the best version of myself. I'm hopefully taking steps to address the low iron thing. I wonder where you are in Ireland Kats. If you want to let me know you could email me but no pressure at all cos I know this whole blogging thing is different for everyone!
Deletei'm Dublin! Will email you
DeletePlease do!
Delete