Hello all
Hope you're all doing well and doing what you need to do to be happy!
I've been having some cravings lately. Some 'I really miss wine and grown up conversation and getting dressed up to go out (this rarely happened, as I always usually drank at home. But still....) I was with my friend today and she was saying that we'd have to go out for our usual Mother's day lunch together. This always involved a bottle of prosecco and then more drinks when we got home. I really miss that. Luckily, I have so much to talk to her about it'll be fine. But I do miss that, calling down to mates with a bottle of wine and having the chats, meeting for a glass (2 bottles) out in the pub the odd time. Yes, I know most of these nights ended up with me not remembering what happened and feeling awful the next day. But still, I miss the anticipation and the release.
I'm not saying that I want to drink again I'm just saying that I'm struggling a little bit at the moment! Maybe with the whole vegan thing I'm missing my coffee treat in m&s, I loved that treat. I'm drinking black coffee now cos soy milk sucks ass big time so it's not the same!
The irony is if I was still drinking now I wouldn't be running 5k four times a week, or being vegan, or being sober!! I'd be stuck in that horrendous rut. I read Mrs D's blog today about how when we're sober we can really notice our ebbs and flows and ups and down and they are not influence by any drug. That she sits with the feelings, knowing that they'll pass. That being sober is great as it allows more grounding, more reflective.
So I shall ignore the impulse to fuck it all off, drink a bottle of wine and go party and I will continue on this journey that is leading me to lots of surprises and truths!
xxxMtts
Monday, 15 February 2016
Tuesday, 9 February 2016
Shaking it up
Hello all
I feel bad for not having posted in ages but I've been sick and also I've been working through another decision I've made involving what I put in my body. After years and years of being a vegetarian I've decided to embark on a flirtation with the vegan world. So here I am a non-drinking, vegan, runner. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME??!!! How did this come about? I'm not a hemp eating, tie dye wearing staunch animal rights activist!! Who in this fresh hell is this new, unknown being emerging from it's crysalis?
When I talk to my close friends about my decision I feel like quantifying with 'but I'm not really like that' I suppose I have an idea in my mind of what vegans are like and I'm not it. I mean, I have a sense of humour, I like clothes, makeup, I get waxed for jaysus's sake....so I suppose I'm trying to see where I fit in in this new lifestyle. I've been thinking about it alot and I've been watching some videos on you tube about animal fare and I just can't be part of that industry anymore. I also feel great (apart from having a serious cold/lurgy type thing for the last week) I'm running 3/4 times a week and my mood is optimistic and positive.
Giving up animal products really reminds me of how I felt when I gave up booze. 'Awww I can never have wine/malteasers/brie/butter/cider again. That makes me sad' to 'Yes! I can do this, I feel great and I know this is good for me' to 'This is TOO HARD, I can't do it!' I know that it takes a few months to get into any big change in life and that I just need to give it time.
I'm still revelling in a new depth I've found in myself and my relationships. I love those deep, meaningful. all about life conversations that make you feel much closer to those you've had them with. I love that I'm growing into myself and figuring out (maybe 20 years too late!!) when I am and what I'm supposed to do.
So people that's it. I hope you're all keeping on keepin on...I'm off to make a gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, meat free, taste free pancake for myself. Yum ;-)
xxxxxMtts
I feel bad for not having posted in ages but I've been sick and also I've been working through another decision I've made involving what I put in my body. After years and years of being a vegetarian I've decided to embark on a flirtation with the vegan world. So here I am a non-drinking, vegan, runner. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME??!!! How did this come about? I'm not a hemp eating, tie dye wearing staunch animal rights activist!! Who in this fresh hell is this new, unknown being emerging from it's crysalis?
When I talk to my close friends about my decision I feel like quantifying with 'but I'm not really like that' I suppose I have an idea in my mind of what vegans are like and I'm not it. I mean, I have a sense of humour, I like clothes, makeup, I get waxed for jaysus's sake....so I suppose I'm trying to see where I fit in in this new lifestyle. I've been thinking about it alot and I've been watching some videos on you tube about animal fare and I just can't be part of that industry anymore. I also feel great (apart from having a serious cold/lurgy type thing for the last week) I'm running 3/4 times a week and my mood is optimistic and positive.
Giving up animal products really reminds me of how I felt when I gave up booze. 'Awww I can never have wine/malteasers/brie/butter/cider again. That makes me sad' to 'Yes! I can do this, I feel great and I know this is good for me' to 'This is TOO HARD, I can't do it!' I know that it takes a few months to get into any big change in life and that I just need to give it time.
I'm still revelling in a new depth I've found in myself and my relationships. I love those deep, meaningful. all about life conversations that make you feel much closer to those you've had them with. I love that I'm growing into myself and figuring out (maybe 20 years too late!!) when I am and what I'm supposed to do.
So people that's it. I hope you're all keeping on keepin on...I'm off to make a gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, meat free, taste free pancake for myself. Yum ;-)
xxxxxMtts
Wednesday, 20 January 2016
Who am I?
Hello guys
So it's a bit weird for me at the moment. In a good way, I think! I feel like I'm getting to know myself for the first time. Which is exciting and also a bit unsettling. Who knew that I'm actually more of a hippy (on the inside only people, no tie dye or dreadlocks for me thanks (well except when I was 20 for a year, less said the better...)) than I thought.
It's becoming more and more apparent to me that I value the time I spend with my family is the most important thing in my life. I'm beginning to appreciate less materialistic things and yearning for more nature in my life. (The fact that I seem to spend alot of my time wandering around shops and sitting in coffee shop belies that but hey, I'm trying to work it out!).
I'm thinking alot about the constructs of society and people having to work in offices sitting in front of screens all day just to earn a buck. I'm thinking is there another way, another way to make your life matter and to do what you love? For me that's where the idea of starting up a campsite or something like that keeps coming into my thoughts. Lovely husband is having a hard time in work and is really suffering for it, there's nothing more he'd love to have a job out in nature but it's hard to find a job like that that supports 4 people. Or is it? Do we need to turn things on there heads and look at what we really need vs what we think we need??
I don't know, I'm on unchartered territory here, this is all new to me. I've never had so much space in my head before. It's no longer consumed with alcohol. I don't know where my life is taking me but it seems to be in a new direction. It's a bit scary but it's so exciting too! If anyone is reading this and is terrified of giving up alcohol, please do give yourself a chance to discovery this whole new world of freedom and excitement and of getting to know yourself! I can't stress strongly enough what not drinking does to your life, I'm a better mum, wife, friend, sister. I'm better to myself, I'm looking after myself better.
The only thing is you have to give it time. You have to allow yourself get far enough away from alcohol to see the reality of what life is like without it. Once you get that far you will never want to go back.
xxxxxMtts.
So it's a bit weird for me at the moment. In a good way, I think! I feel like I'm getting to know myself for the first time. Which is exciting and also a bit unsettling. Who knew that I'm actually more of a hippy (on the inside only people, no tie dye or dreadlocks for me thanks (well except when I was 20 for a year, less said the better...)) than I thought.
It's becoming more and more apparent to me that I value the time I spend with my family is the most important thing in my life. I'm beginning to appreciate less materialistic things and yearning for more nature in my life. (The fact that I seem to spend alot of my time wandering around shops and sitting in coffee shop belies that but hey, I'm trying to work it out!).
I'm thinking alot about the constructs of society and people having to work in offices sitting in front of screens all day just to earn a buck. I'm thinking is there another way, another way to make your life matter and to do what you love? For me that's where the idea of starting up a campsite or something like that keeps coming into my thoughts. Lovely husband is having a hard time in work and is really suffering for it, there's nothing more he'd love to have a job out in nature but it's hard to find a job like that that supports 4 people. Or is it? Do we need to turn things on there heads and look at what we really need vs what we think we need??
I don't know, I'm on unchartered territory here, this is all new to me. I've never had so much space in my head before. It's no longer consumed with alcohol. I don't know where my life is taking me but it seems to be in a new direction. It's a bit scary but it's so exciting too! If anyone is reading this and is terrified of giving up alcohol, please do give yourself a chance to discovery this whole new world of freedom and excitement and of getting to know yourself! I can't stress strongly enough what not drinking does to your life, I'm a better mum, wife, friend, sister. I'm better to myself, I'm looking after myself better.
The only thing is you have to give it time. You have to allow yourself get far enough away from alcohol to see the reality of what life is like without it. Once you get that far you will never want to go back.
xxxxxMtts.
Monday, 11 January 2016
Sober joy!
For so many years the thought of giving up drinking would (literally) bring me out in a cold sweat. I was prepared to change or do anything else in my life but quitting wine was not one of them. I thought about it ALOT, I knew it was bad for me. I always felt my life would be easier without wine. But I was never, ever brave enough to make the leap.
Then one day eight months ago I woke up with a hangover. My husband had been away the night before and I'd taken the kids down to a local restaurant (on the bus!) for dinner. I brought them to the place that I knew served massive glasses of red wine. I had two of them. Then I bought a bottle of wine on the way home and drank that too once the kids were in bed. I stayed up till 2.30am watching crap on the telly. The next day I woke up and I discovered sober blogs. I have no idea with the amount of alcohol googling I did how I had not found these blogs before. The first blog I found was Mummy was a secret drinker. I devoured it and through it found some more people who were on the sober journey. My husband came home that night and I told him I was giving up drink. For good. At first I think he thought 'yeah, yeah, then Friday will come and it'll be off to the offey for wine'. We spoke again the next day and he said that he knew I had to give it up and that it had gotten worse in the last year. The first few months were scary and challenging but also very empowering.
I'm so proud of myself for what I've achieved. I can't believe that I don't drink anymore. I never would have believed that I could or would have done it.
Like the lady says - No one ever regrets not having that bottle of wine last night!
Keep it country people.
xxMtts
Then one day eight months ago I woke up with a hangover. My husband had been away the night before and I'd taken the kids down to a local restaurant (on the bus!) for dinner. I brought them to the place that I knew served massive glasses of red wine. I had two of them. Then I bought a bottle of wine on the way home and drank that too once the kids were in bed. I stayed up till 2.30am watching crap on the telly. The next day I woke up and I discovered sober blogs. I have no idea with the amount of alcohol googling I did how I had not found these blogs before. The first blog I found was Mummy was a secret drinker. I devoured it and through it found some more people who were on the sober journey. My husband came home that night and I told him I was giving up drink. For good. At first I think he thought 'yeah, yeah, then Friday will come and it'll be off to the offey for wine'. We spoke again the next day and he said that he knew I had to give it up and that it had gotten worse in the last year. The first few months were scary and challenging but also very empowering.
I'm so proud of myself for what I've achieved. I can't believe that I don't drink anymore. I never would have believed that I could or would have done it.
Like the lady says - No one ever regrets not having that bottle of wine last night!
Keep it country people.
xxMtts
Sunday, 10 January 2016
Sober thoughts
Hello all my darlings
How are you all doing? Things are going well here. I'm 8 months down now, that's give or take 250 days, which is a count I never, ever thought I'd be doing. It's pretty amazing. What I've realised is that giving up alcohol isn't an all singing and dancing panacea for life. I still feel happy and sad and depressed and pissed off and all those things that I felt when I was drinking. But it's different now. It's more steady, it's not the depths of despair and then heights of elation.
And it's deeper. There is a massive hidden depth that people who drink alot miss. They aren't able to give themselves the time to really be them. They are dictated by hangover, drunkeness and cravings. When we become sober we are really able to look at life and try and work out what it means to us. As tipsy no more said on a recent post 'we are not born to drink and die'. We are given this life for whatever reason (or none) and it has the ability to be rich and fulfilling but how can we let it be if we are consumed by alcohol? How can we see the reality put in front of us if we're pissed? How can we ever achieve our heart's goal when we can't even see or feel our heart?
No being sober doesn't make things all better, sometimes you have to deal with a situation where you'd have otherwise taken the instant and temporary relief of a drink. Being sober is raw and real and it's authentic. It's worthwhile and it rocks like a mother.
In other news I'm feeling kinda guilty for not blogging more (always with the guilt ladies and gentlemen) and for not connecting with you guys more. I promise I'm going to try my best to be more active online. It makes the while sober thing more special and more important when I feel like I'm part of a gang!!
Talk to you all soon and hope you're all going easy on yourselves!
xxxMtts
How are you all doing? Things are going well here. I'm 8 months down now, that's give or take 250 days, which is a count I never, ever thought I'd be doing. It's pretty amazing. What I've realised is that giving up alcohol isn't an all singing and dancing panacea for life. I still feel happy and sad and depressed and pissed off and all those things that I felt when I was drinking. But it's different now. It's more steady, it's not the depths of despair and then heights of elation.
And it's deeper. There is a massive hidden depth that people who drink alot miss. They aren't able to give themselves the time to really be them. They are dictated by hangover, drunkeness and cravings. When we become sober we are really able to look at life and try and work out what it means to us. As tipsy no more said on a recent post 'we are not born to drink and die'. We are given this life for whatever reason (or none) and it has the ability to be rich and fulfilling but how can we let it be if we are consumed by alcohol? How can we see the reality put in front of us if we're pissed? How can we ever achieve our heart's goal when we can't even see or feel our heart?
No being sober doesn't make things all better, sometimes you have to deal with a situation where you'd have otherwise taken the instant and temporary relief of a drink. Being sober is raw and real and it's authentic. It's worthwhile and it rocks like a mother.
In other news I'm feeling kinda guilty for not blogging more (always with the guilt ladies and gentlemen) and for not connecting with you guys more. I promise I'm going to try my best to be more active online. It makes the while sober thing more special and more important when I feel like I'm part of a gang!!
Talk to you all soon and hope you're all going easy on yourselves!
xxxMtts
Sunday, 27 December 2015
A Christmas miracle!
Hello my darlings,
I hope you all had a great Christmas. I had a sober one! A Christmas miracle performed by moi! What a revelation, Christmas sober is a million times nicer. Really it is. About two weeks from the big day I had a wobble for about a week. I was looking through the windows of bars with all the twinkling lights and the groups of people filled with cheer. I was frustrated that I couldn't be in there, sitting at the bar, drinking red wine. Then I remembered, remembered what it was really like. Yeuch. Horrible and hungover and remorseful and just shite. It's been so much less fraught and cross and snappy without alcohol. Not saying it's been perfect but it's been a hell of alot better than it would have been with booze.
After that I was fine. I know I can't drink again. I know it's not good for me or for those around me. I've realised how much better my relationships with those close to me are. Lovely husband is just delighted that I'm sober. He's been so great and hasn't drank either. I have eaten my weight in chocolate though and have put on 4 lbs!! Slimming world is out the window, which I'm feeling guilty about. I notice that I wake up feeling bad for eating and promising that I won't do it again but by the time I'm up I'm thinking it wasn't that bad....it's Christmas after all. Sound familiar??? Wish I could just eat what I want and not feel guilty thought. I'm not drinking after all!
My saviour has been sparkling water I have to say. I just LOVE it!! I drink alot of the stuff and it's my fancy treat to myself. That and a fab recipe I found for a warm spiced apple drink, here's the recipe http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/6299/hot-spiced-apple-punch.aspx
Yum..feel free to share your go to tipple!
So my darlings, it's full steam ahead and a pat on the back for myself!
Lots of love to you all.
xxxMtts
I hope you all had a great Christmas. I had a sober one! A Christmas miracle performed by moi! What a revelation, Christmas sober is a million times nicer. Really it is. About two weeks from the big day I had a wobble for about a week. I was looking through the windows of bars with all the twinkling lights and the groups of people filled with cheer. I was frustrated that I couldn't be in there, sitting at the bar, drinking red wine. Then I remembered, remembered what it was really like. Yeuch. Horrible and hungover and remorseful and just shite. It's been so much less fraught and cross and snappy without alcohol. Not saying it's been perfect but it's been a hell of alot better than it would have been with booze.
After that I was fine. I know I can't drink again. I know it's not good for me or for those around me. I've realised how much better my relationships with those close to me are. Lovely husband is just delighted that I'm sober. He's been so great and hasn't drank either. I have eaten my weight in chocolate though and have put on 4 lbs!! Slimming world is out the window, which I'm feeling guilty about. I notice that I wake up feeling bad for eating and promising that I won't do it again but by the time I'm up I'm thinking it wasn't that bad....it's Christmas after all. Sound familiar??? Wish I could just eat what I want and not feel guilty thought. I'm not drinking after all!
My saviour has been sparkling water I have to say. I just LOVE it!! I drink alot of the stuff and it's my fancy treat to myself. That and a fab recipe I found for a warm spiced apple drink, here's the recipe http://allrecipes.co.uk/recipe/6299/hot-spiced-apple-punch.aspx
Yum..feel free to share your go to tipple!
So my darlings, it's full steam ahead and a pat on the back for myself!
Lots of love to you all.
xxxMtts
Wednesday, 16 December 2015
Christmas cheer
Hello all my lovlies
I hope you're all managing to muddle your ways through the start of the festive, party season...
I'm up and down at the moment. Currently, at this second (yes, it's up and down that quickly!) I'm feeling good. Excited for all the yummy food we'll be eating next friday, looking forward to making some virgin cocktails and buying some fancy drinks from Marks & Spencer. My lovely husband has been out a bit lately (overrated he tells me) and I was catering for a supper club recently where all the girls attending headed off into town afterwards. It's those times that I feel a bit, well, sad really. For that idealistic night out, bonding with friends, having the craic, seeing who's who and what's what. I miss getting really dressed up with a glass of wine in hand, listening to music, full of anticipation.
BUT then, I remember, I remember nights out were never, ever, ever like that. Well, it was, but only for about an hour or two. It was mostly blackouts, regrets the next day, worry about what I said, what I did and how much money I'd spent. How I got home and did I lose anything.
At the moment what I'm really tackling is the past. And regrets. What would I have done if I hadn't been either 1) Going off the rails on drugs in my early 20's or 2) Drinking - alot and dangerously in my 20's and early 30's and then just pretty much 3/4 nights a week after that. Would I have been a doctor (eh, no)or a nurse or a journalist or a social worker or a pilot or what?? Still I know that a career isn't something that often makes people happy, but I'd have liked to have tried!!
I also spend alot of last night worrying about the friends I left behind because of these things. Would I still be mates with my schoolpals if I hadn't discovered the joys of recreational drugs? Would I have been able to form more meaningful relationships (and hold on to them) if I was more grounded and a bit less drunk??
I know really there's no point thinking like this but I sort of feel it's part of a process. A journey somewhere. In fact I'm actually super lucky that I am where I am, with a brilliant family, amazing friends, enough money to get by and a dog and a cat. I know that's what Christmas is really and truly all about. And maybe it's time for me to be more thankful for that!!!!
Mind yourselves my dears. xxxx
My time to shine.
I hope you're all managing to muddle your ways through the start of the festive, party season...
I'm up and down at the moment. Currently, at this second (yes, it's up and down that quickly!) I'm feeling good. Excited for all the yummy food we'll be eating next friday, looking forward to making some virgin cocktails and buying some fancy drinks from Marks & Spencer. My lovely husband has been out a bit lately (overrated he tells me) and I was catering for a supper club recently where all the girls attending headed off into town afterwards. It's those times that I feel a bit, well, sad really. For that idealistic night out, bonding with friends, having the craic, seeing who's who and what's what. I miss getting really dressed up with a glass of wine in hand, listening to music, full of anticipation.
BUT then, I remember, I remember nights out were never, ever, ever like that. Well, it was, but only for about an hour or two. It was mostly blackouts, regrets the next day, worry about what I said, what I did and how much money I'd spent. How I got home and did I lose anything.
At the moment what I'm really tackling is the past. And regrets. What would I have done if I hadn't been either 1) Going off the rails on drugs in my early 20's or 2) Drinking - alot and dangerously in my 20's and early 30's and then just pretty much 3/4 nights a week after that. Would I have been a doctor (eh, no)or a nurse or a journalist or a social worker or a pilot or what?? Still I know that a career isn't something that often makes people happy, but I'd have liked to have tried!!
I also spend alot of last night worrying about the friends I left behind because of these things. Would I still be mates with my schoolpals if I hadn't discovered the joys of recreational drugs? Would I have been able to form more meaningful relationships (and hold on to them) if I was more grounded and a bit less drunk??
I know really there's no point thinking like this but I sort of feel it's part of a process. A journey somewhere. In fact I'm actually super lucky that I am where I am, with a brilliant family, amazing friends, enough money to get by and a dog and a cat. I know that's what Christmas is really and truly all about. And maybe it's time for me to be more thankful for that!!!!
Mind yourselves my dears. xxxx
My time to shine.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)