Dry drunk/Christmas blues?

Hi guys!

Are any of you still here? I know you are! I've just been MIA, thinking I was doing ok on my own. Well, turns out I'm not. I've found the Christmas (my second sober one) difficult. We've been in the UK with my in-laws. Bottles of spirits everywhere, pre dinner drinks, wine with dinner and then port after. And me, with my sparkling water. Being in the in-laws is difficult enough, and mine are a little eccentric and total hoarders but being with them surrounded by so much booze is even harder. There were a few times when all I wanted was a glass of wine. Then we went on a few gorgeous long walks and had lunch in the pub after, all around me people drinking.

It's a weird two sided feeling. I really miss the feeling that a couple of drinks gives me. That twinkly, starry, feel good feeling. But then I know, I understand that I'm not that kind of drinker. That I can't stop at that. I have to keep going until I'm properly, royally pissed. To the detriment of everything and everyone else.

I don't have that 'Oh life is so wonderful now that I've stopped drinking' feeling that other people seem to have. Life goes on, is still a chore and a grind. I feel tired alot, I get cross, I get pissed off. I suffer from anxiety, I worry about the kids, my husband, myself.

Maybe I need to do more work on myself, maybe I need to exercise more (miss running so much and then feeling that gave me (dodgy knee)) I know I need to get up off my arse and move.

Anyway, just wanted to check in, I've been following a few of you lately and am so glad to see you doing well and still sober.

xxxxx Mtts

Reflection

So, back to school time for Irish mammy, thank god! A bit of time for myself again. September (as sober mummy writes) is the new new year. A time to make some space for me time, to focus on things that we can do for ourselves, join a class, get moving, meet friends for coffee.

I've been reflecting lately on my drinking days. I'm so glad I'm free from all that worry and guilt. So glad I don't have to worry about getting the kids to school with a hangover or feeling bad if I open a bottle of wine on a school night. Free from all those thoughts about what I'm doing to myself, physically and mentally, and to my kids by continuous boozing. It's so freeing to feel that I don't have to take hangovers into account when I'm arranging to meet people or to do things. I'm free, free, free from all that! I can say yes to anything at any time and know that I won't have to cancel or take a rain check. I think I'm more reliable and a better friend now.

I found parts of the summer tough, especially when we were away in the UK camping. At a certain time of the evening every would be sat outside drinking yum chilled white wine or lovely, crisp lager. That was a bit hard. But I just cracked open the sparkling water and elderflower cordial and that got me over the hump. I'm so glad I didn't have that worry after having a glass, where was the next one going to come from. That prison that forces you to manipulate the day (not to mention the people around you) to shoe horn alcohol into it. I could never just have one. Even still, I don't see the point in it. And that's why I had to stop. I was drinking myself down to the bottom of bad health, mentally and physically.

Yes, I still have my bad, dark, rotten days, hours and minutes. Yes, my mental health issues weren't casued by alcohol but they certainly weren't helped by it. Yes, sometimes I miss it badly. But lately and for the first time in ages I'm profoundly and fundamentally really glad that I no longer drink alcohol.

If you are in that place of worry, of on line 'are you an alcoholic?' quizzes, of regret about what you did or said the night before, of concern about your liver, of trying to moderate, trying and trying and trying but really never getting anywhere - then please give it up. You are too intelligent than to let yourself get in the way of yourself!!

xxMtts

A litte help please!

I can't think what to call this post. I've been a bit down lately. Existential angst I guess. Pissed off with humans and life. Feel a bit 'what's the point in it all anyway?' What's the point when people just let you down (they haven't) and when your kids are just going to grow up and hate you anyway?  This sober me seems a bit antisocial and does less going out at night stuff. Not even to the cinema. This sober me is grumpy and gives out about people. This sober me wonders how people who don't drink or only have 'one' (and 'one' not being one bottle) function or how they can enjoy themselves...

I was running 30/40k a week which was so, so good for me mentally until I fucking did my knee in and now I'm going to physio but it's sore and I'm not doing my exercises as much as I should and I can't run bar a couple of K a week (which I shouldn't be doing at all) I'm also continuing on the vegan diet which is an ethical choice but sometimes can be tough with everything else. I'm feeling a bit old, and dowdy.

Argh, sorry people to be blogging just when I need to off load. You've probably forgotten about me - sob. I love reading your blogs cos it keeps me going and I should be logging into them a bit more. It just always seems that I have other stuff to do. Maybe I need to focus on self care a bit more....Ah, I've just thought of a title for the post!

Check ya laters dudes.

xxMtts

Catching up

Hi guys

I'm feeling terrible that I'm so crap about writing here so little! I wish I was one of those people who blogged at least once a week. Maybe though I shouldn't be giving out to myself and just accepting that that's who I am?! Anyway, I love logging in and seeing you're still all here, like a club you can come back to at any time!

I've had a lot of lovely summer stuff happening. We went to Lanzarote for a week awhile back. There is NO way I could have handled that last year without booze. This year, yeah, I missed it now and again but we had such a lovely time that I didn't miss it. I hate flying and did get out of it on zanex but you gotta do etc. The holiday was so relaxing, no fitting the days around booze, no planning on where the next drink would be. Got up and did some runs, swam in the pool and the sea. Was just great. We also just had a camping weekend with a big gang of family and friends. We sat around the campfire at night and I didn't even really notice I wasn't drinking. Amazing! I am definately noticing that I'm more relaxed and at ease with myself and the people around me. Which is win win for everyone!

I'm in the middle or organising a big 'street feast' for our whole estate, about 100 people are coming so that'll keep me busy for the weekend.

I really hope you're all doing well, if not that you're using this fantastic online support community to help and to lean on.

I do think of you all.

lots of love

xxxMtts

One year today

Hi guys!

So I'm a year sober (I prefer off the drink myself but sure I'll try it on for size) today! Woo hoo, amazing, I rock etc. I am really pleased. Only problem is my sister and my little niece have been here all week and last night me and my sis had a HUGE row. We have been known to argue alot but last night was a different level. I swear to god it nearly got physical. We are both so reactive to eachother and killed eachother as kids. But we also get on really well too. I had to take a zanax to get to sleep I was so upset. Why can't I hold my tongue and be more tolerant of people and just be nicer?! I'm really questioning what sort of person I am today...

We've sorted things out this morning but it's sort of put a dampener on the day that's in it.

So sorry that I can't be more excited about a year off the booze but other things happen. I suppose that's life and a good example of not drinking even when horrible things get in the way.

So go me (sort of)

Mtts. xxxxx

Meh (part the second)

Ah lads

I've just spent the last weekend at a wedding and at the BBQ the next day too. Then we've a week in Lanzarote. And everyone is drinking and having fun. And I miss it. I really do. I missed having a few drinks and having the chats the day after the wedding, I'm going to miss having a few drinks before we fly (and while we fly and when we land....) and when we're there.

I really, really miss just being able to sit down with people for longer than an hour (that's as long as my patience lasts with fizzy water) and just chatting. I mean I know that the truth isn't that but I'm finding it really hard to socialise and do all those sort of normal things without alcohol.

 A friend of mine is flying to Portugal today and I'm so jealous that right about now she's up at the airport with her husband having a few drinks.

I'm feeling sad and sort of despairing for the summer to be honest. How come, with nearly a year under my belt I'm feeling like this now???

xxxxMtts

Nose ring

Hi all

People - I have a nose ring. It's official - I'm having a mid life crisis. A tattoo is next. I love sober!!

I feel awful for not blogging more (sigh, again.) I suppose I've felt a bit like I didn't want to talk about how I was feeling for awhile there. I was a bit up and down and sad that I don't drink anymore. I know I've gone through it before so I was just waiting for it to pass. I was also feeling a bit cross. Eventually I went to the doctor and she's upped my happy pills a little. Weirdly I've started feeling a bit better, even though I'm only on the higher dose a few days now!

I had a brilliant chat yesterday with a guy I'd emailed a few times about abstaining. He's a DJ on one of our national stations and he's made a few sober podcasts about his year of not drinking. He was sick of how hangovers made him feel and wanted to give it a break. In tandem he did The booze chronicles. They won some sort of award in the US. Google them! So anyway he was in town yesterday doing a live show and I decided to call down to see him. I would NEVER do this normally but he'd been a great support and I wanted to thank him. So we got chatting for a bit and then he asked if he could interview me for his next podcast!! ME!! BEING INTERVIEWED ABOUT BEING SOBER!!! Hilarious. It was so brilliant to meet a real live person who was also sort of in the same boat as me. I think in society we either are 1. full blown AA attending folk or 2. Drinkers. There's no-one in the middle, no-one stuggling quietly away, gettting their shit done but slowly dying inside, suffer mentally and physically. My husband now wants me to start a support group hilariously called The In-betweeners. So I'm not sure when it'll come out, even if it will come out but I'll let you know. It was a real boost to remember that there are other people out there that are like me. At this stage though I would really love to meet some of them. So who wants to come to Cork for coffee?!! You know you want to. Wouldn't it be amazing?? I'm hoping to be in London at the end of August, would anyone but up for meeting??

Anyway, on the 3rd May I'm a year sober. I can't quiet believe it, and I have a long list of 'presents' that I'm expressly asking for. Unfortunately a trip to Jamaica will have to wait though!

Lots of love my darlings. xxxxx